Talkin' 'bout a resolution

I am looking forward to 2008. 2007 sucked and I am hoping an eventual change in administration and personal changes in my attitude are going to have a big impact.
I am returning to the diet program that allowed me to lose 35 pounds to shed the rest of the weight which will take the entire year to do.
One of the main changes in my life is going to be how I handle other people.
Because of a damaged self image, from years of emotional abuse, I often allow "friends" to treat me in a way that is very disrespectful. I have cast myself forever in the role of sad little girl just pleading for the other kids to play with her. After having several bad starts last year I am quite determined to rid myself of that thinking. I am a valuable person. I shouldn't be waiting breathlessly for the small scraps of love, attention and human kindness. I give lovingly to others. I care about people, I have tired of the one-sided relationships.I have decided I have enough self love to not allow others to talk down to me or ignore me. Are you my friend? Prove it! Act like one!
An old friend of mine said it best
"Don't get all in my Kool-Aid, when you don't even know what flavor it is"

Haunted Holiday

I wrote this last year and it still seems appropriate. I don't feel as sad as I was last year, and I have a new feisty attitude that holds promises of taking me far.
Here's to Christmas, whatever they may hold!




I am haunted by memories.
Memories of holidays spent with cousins I knew would always be my best friends.
Memories of Grandmothers that made crafts, cookies and always had one of us read the Book of Luke description of the birth of Jesus on Christmas Eve..
First Christmas's spent with new lovers, first trees together that were entirely too big and expensive, making love by the glow of the holiday lights.
First Christmas's with new babies; dressed up for holiday photos.
Singing with friends at school or in Madrigal tours.
But friends move away, so do cousins, lovers leave, babies grow up, and Grandmas die.
It's all different now. Holidays mean longer hours at work, nights alone by the tree, kids busy with their own friends. I don't sing anymore either.
I hope my Holiday's change soon.

Powerful

I've decided that I can either be powerful or pitiful.

I've been pitiful and that doesn't get me anywhere. So powerful it is. I'll journey ahead afraid of all of the situations I'll confront, but full steam ahead it is.

Working 2 jobs, dealing with teenagers, and ongoing poverty do tend to stress one.

I shall prevail however!

To quote Chumbawumba " I get knocked down, but I get up again".

God that band sucked, but I applaud the sentiment.

The Story

Alas, I feel uninspired to write further. My time is at a premium, my life is hectic and the endless cycle of poverty takes it's toll. My computer is dead. I have no phone line to dial out with anyway.

I will finish the story. Later.

My life really sucks right now. I feel paralyzed by poverty, and not having a relationship is finally wearing me down. I am confronting the fact that my life, as it stands right now, is unacceptable. What I can do to change it is my focus. College is a must this fall. Because the economy in Michigan is wretched, I may have to do so while working two jobs. How can I do that? Because I have to. I have no choice

Weird thing is; I'm not depressed. I am looking hard and clear at reality. My imaginitive side has gone into hibernation.

I often wonder if I will EVER find a realtionship that is mutually fullfilling. I wonder if I'll ever find the same in a career.

Bleh....... I just wonder if I'll survive the winter.

The Sisterhood Part 5

Kari woke up refreshed as her alarm went off at 8:00 a.m. Rudy yawned from the bed and rested his head back down.
“Not used to getting up huh boy?” As if understanding, he yawned stretched and went back to his resting position. Kari took her shower, and having ironed the green dress last night, she put it on with some cute sandals. She looked at herself in the mirror and decided that leaving Rob certainly agreed with her. She looked rested and her red hair shone. It was a sunny and warm day. The forecast on the radio said a high of 74 was expected with low humidity. June was turning into a beautiful month. She filled Rudy’s dish with water and the other with food and took him outside. He was quick about his business and she took him upstairs and gave him a new rawhide bone to chew on.
“That’ll keep you busy” she said as she finished the last of her coffee. It wasn’t sitting on her stomach very well. She dumped the dregs into the sink and brushed her teeth. It was time to go to church. She grabbed her purse and started her journey. She enjoyed the warmth of the early day. Everything was so green and bright today. Within minutes she arrived at the little stone church. There were 4 cars in the parking lot. She made her way inside.
The ladies were all arranged around a small table in the church. There was a statue in the center of the table. Edith looked up, smiled brightly and said “Oh Kari, I’m so glad you decided to come. Let me introduce you.”
She went around the table and introduced a dozen ladies. Kari could remember the tiny lady with the bad wig and her name was Beulah. Another plump red haired lady was Maxine. They along with Edith did most of the talking.
“Well, isn’t your dress cute? Where did you get it? Did you make it?” said Maxine quickly.
“I actually found it in the apartment I just moved into” and she told them the story of finding the dress and the odd dream she had.
She noticed exchanged glances between a few of the ladies and wondered what that was about.
“Well dreams are often just a manifestation of whatever we ate before going to bed. I know if I have anything spicy or chocolate before bed, I have terrible dreams” said Maxine. She seemed the bossy know it all type, like a lot of older Aunts in Kari’s own family. She probably didn’t mean anything by it. She was probably used to running her life by herself and was set in her ways.
“Beulah, move a chair in for Kari so she can join us” said Maxine.
Beulah moved another chair over from the wall and set Kari right next to her.
Kari noticed the statue in the center of the table. It was a woman dressed in a red shawl. Sort of a variance of the Virgin Mary with different colored attire.
“Is that Mary? The Virgin?”
“No it’s not that Mary silly” said Beulah weakly with a smile.
“It is The Magdalene. That is the Mary we worship; a symbol of power in womanhood. Many refer to her as a prostitute. That was the way in ancient times as well as today. A strong woman is scorned, ridiculed and called names. I told you we were a different sort of church” said Edith with great pride.
Kari remembered stories in Sunday school about Mary Magdalene being a fallen woman.
“Yes we are a Sisterhood” said Maxine emphatically. “Women helping one another”
The service began with a prayer to The Magdalene and then a sort of chant began with the ladies. Kari felt out of place and more than a little lost. Soon they were talking about the service they’d done for others of the Sisterhood this week. Many of the ladies had taken hot meals and specially prepared teas to ladies in the community. Some had crocheted and knitted shawls and blankets for new moms and their babies. Kari’s heart had warmed to hear these wonderful deeds. They again said a prayer asking The Magdalene to give them strength and to bless Kari in her path. Kari felt touched.
When the meeting was over, tea and cupcakes were served.
“Tea Kari?” asked Beulah.
“Yes please” answered Kari and her cup was filled with a heady scent of cinnamon and orange. “Yummy tea” she said.
“Why thank you dear, I made it myself” said Edith
Kari nibbled her cupcake and found that it was orange flavored with cream cheese frosting. She was asked about her divorce and she told them about Rob’s cheating and abuse.
“All men are the same” said Maxine emphatically
“Were you ever married?” asked Kari
“We all have been, it what was expected in our day. None of us ever remarried after our husbands died and none of us ever had children. That’s probably how we found each other. We weren’t preoccupied with little ones. We have all been friends since we were young women” said Edith.
“It’s so nice that you had each other to rely on” said Kari.
“Where do you live Kari?”
“Right down the street on 1029”
“Ah, we know the house. We have all been here for many years”
“I really like it. It feels like home”
“Well, it is your home isn’t it dear?” said Edith.
“Yeah I guess it is. Well, I guess I’ll be going now”
“Please come back again Kari. We’ve enjoyed having you”
“Oh I will” she said as she left the church. She felt giddy. She stopped at the market and bought some canned soup. Her stomach felt really weird and she figured soup might help settle it.
Kari made the soup and ate it slowly. She felt very tired and out of sorts. If this continued, she’d have to make an appointment with the doctor. The soup felt okay on her stomach and she decided she’d take a little nap; although the prospects of another dream were unsettling. Fatigue won out however and soon she and Rudy were snuggled under the throw on the couch and resting peacefully.
It didn’t last.

Adi woke up to see all of the ladies surrounding her bed.
“The baby is coming Adi dear” said Erma
Adi remembered feeling unwell and drinking some tea and then nothing.
“What was in that tea?”
“Just some herbs to help you relax dear, don’t worry about anything”
Adi felt an intense pain and gasped.
“It’s almost time now”
A few minutes later Adi had a strong urge to push. The ladies encouraged her and soon the baby’s head was showing. Adi felt a burning sensation.
“Okay now, push really hard, with all your might”
Soon the baby was born. Adi was all at once excited and exhausted.
“How is my baby?” she asked
“Just a minute dear, we’re making sure your baby is well”
Erma came in with another cup of tea. This one had a sharp smell and a bitter taste.
“ Drink this dear. It’ll help with recovery.”
Adi drank it obediently shuddering at its horrible taste. Adi felt herself drifting away. She was now viewing herself from above the room. There she lay looking pale and tired.
Then she heard the ladies in the next room. She somehow managed to float over to them. There she saw her baby! It was a boy! She knew she’d name him Edward after his father.
“I can’t believe she had a boy” hissed Mary.
“Did she drink the tea; the castor tea?”
“Yes Mary As soon as I saw it was a boy, I knew which tea to give her” said Erma
“She’ll be dead soon enough then” said Mary as an evil smile crept over her face.
Adi didn’t understand. Who was dead? Why were they keeping her baby from her?
She watched as the ladies wrapped the baby up in a blanket and walked down the stairs.
Where were they going?
Somehow, Adi followed them out the door, down the street and to the church.
They went into the church leaving her baby on the altar. He was crying and kicking.
Adi wanted to rush to him and comfort him. He was so sweet with his blond hair and chubby face. The ladies came back out in long black robes that covered their faces.
“Let it begin” said Mary gravely.
The cupboard behind the altar was opened and long black and red candles were taken out and placed on the far ends of the altar. A piece of the wood insignia on the pulpit
Flipped down and there was an odd looking star shape within a circle. Chanting began and she saw them take out a small vial of what looked to be oil. They poured out the black liquid on the baby’s head. Adi thought for a moment they were going to bless her baby until she saw them remove a long curved blade from a black velvet lined case. When she looked at the ladies saw to her horror that their faces had changed. They all looked ancient. Like mummies she had seen in the newspapers.
All of them were bald and had dark ringed sunken eyes. How had she not noticed it before?
“We are weak and hungry. Bless our eternal life Goddess. Let this male sacrifice nourish us” spoke Mary.
She saw the blade of the knife come to the throat of her new baby and slice through it, taking his head completely off . Mary picked up the body of the child and drained the spurting blood into the altar chalice. The women lined up and greedily drained their share of his blood. Then Mary took the child and divided his body up into pieces and the women ate her child! They smacked their lips as though eating chicken at a picnic.
“Delicious! It always amazes me how something so loathsome could taste so good” chirped Erma.
Adi watched in amazement as their faces slowly returned to normal. They all took off their robes, stored them in the choir cupboard and put their wigs back on.
She was struck with such horror! What had happened? Then she heard Edward’s voice.
“Adi, come to us now. Into the light”
Adi saw a shaft of light appear outside of the church doors. In the light she saw her dear husband holding their newborn baby.
“It’s all over now Adi. Come with us into the light”
Adi floated over to them. She felt the warm embrace of Edward and felt the soft baby skin of her son. In an instant she was gone.

“What in the hell was that?” thought Kari as she woke up. She felt vomit rise in her throat, and barely made it to the bathroom. She threw up all of the soup she had just eaten. That was it. First thing tomorrow, she was calling the doctor.
That horror of a dream had to be whatever illness she was coming down with, and all of the new life events. What else could it be? She decided to call Nick. She told him about he most recent dream.
“God Kari, that’s gross. Are you okay?”
‘I guess so. I just don’t feel good”
“Go to the doctor tomorrow. Hopefully, it’s just a virus or maybe nerves from all of the changes in your life right now. When you’re feeling better, let’s call Marc and see if there’s anything he can do to make you feel more at ease”
“Okay Nick. I’m going to go now. Love you”
Adi turned on the TV in an attempt to lose herself. No matter how sick she felt, she was sure she didn’t want to go back to sleep.

The Sisterhood, chapter 3 & 4

Kari left a note for Rob:
Rob,
Since you can't control yourself, I have left. I'll be filing for divorce. I have moved to another town. I don't want much. I helped myself to the bank account. Don't contact me or my family. I have pictures of my black eye and statements from friends on file with my attorney and I will file an order of protection or worse if you bother me.

Kari
She left it on the refrigerator, the first place he always looked when returning home from band rehearsal.

Nick and Kari arrived at the flat and set up her things. Nick brought his futon for Kari to use until her bedroom set arrived.
"I'm going to stay here with you tonight Kari." Nick said.
"I'd actually feel better if you did, thanks Nick."
Around 9:00, they began to feel hungry so they called for Chinese food. While waiting for delivery, Nick set up the TV with rabbit ears. They could see exactly 3 stations. Son the doorbell rang and the food arrived. They ate right from the cartons and drank the cold beer that they had put in the fridge earlier. After some horrible sitcoms, and several more beers, they were both ready for bed. They made up the futon and quickly went to sleep.
Nick's cell phone alarm went off at 6:00. He showered, brushed his teeth, and took off.
"I'll pick up some breakfast on the way. Have a great day Kari,"
"Thanks Nick, love you,"
"Love you too."
Kari lolled around her flat enjoying the quiet. She showered, dressed and took Rudy out to do his business. When he finished, she took him for a walk. They walked down to the little town center at the end of the street. There was a movie rental place, a coffee shop, a market, a drycleaner, and antique shop. Everything looked like it did from the early part of the 20th century. As she turned the corner, Kari saw an adorable little stone church. She had recently yearned for a relationship with God.
A tiny woman with red hair called out to her from the doorway.
"Hello there. Say, he's a big boy isn't he? Is he friendly?" She said as she spoke from the doorway.
"He's actually a big baby."
"I'm Edith by the way" said the petite senior.
"I'm Kari. Nice to meet you"
"do you already have a church?"
"No, not yet, I just moved here"
"Please feel welcome to visit this Sunday dear" said Edith with a sweet smile
"I haven't had the greatest experience with religion"
"We're a different sort of church. Non-judgmental and down to Earth."
"Well, that sounds good. I'm going through a divorce right now."
"Oh men, they don't make 'em like they used to, they're useless now. All of us ladies here are widows. All of our members are seniors and widows now. Only 13 of us left. Our church used to be over 300. That was a long time ago though."
"Well, I'll try to make it on Sunday"
"We'd love to see you here dear. I'd come out but I'm very allergic to dogs."
Kari reached in to shake Edith's hand and heard a deep growl from Rudy.
"Rudy, be nice. He's not usually grumpy"
"Well, I'm a stranger. He's just doing his job dear. See you Sunday at 10:00"
"by now, I'll see you Sunday."
Kari nearly skipped back home. She absolutely loved her little village. It was so quaint and friendly. The church of little old ladies sounded so cute. Kari returned home to let the cable guy in for his appointment at 2:00. They hooked up her cable, inter, and phone. Rudy watched from the porch, wagging his nubby tail at the cable guy.
"He's a real killer there, huh?" laughed the cable guy.
"Apparently he's got it in for little old ladies." snickered Kari.
When he left, Kari made herself a sandwich and had some cookies for dinner while she listened to the XM radio that came free with her plan. There was a channel that was Mototwn and Stax. Rudy ate his food and then curled up next to Kari on the futon. Tomorrow the furniture would arrive. She needed some groceries too. Stuff other than the pre-packaged crap she'd bought at Wal-Mart. Kari watched a little TV and read Vanity Fair until 11:00. She took Rudy out once more and then they both curled up on the futon and went to sleep.

Kari started her usual morning routine. After taking Rudy out she grabbed her reusable grocery bag and went tot he market. She picked up some fresh fruit, salad stuff, pita bread, and 2 steaks for her new grill. She grabbed some artichoke and spinach dip from the cooler and a bottle of wine. She called Nick on her way home and invited him over for steak tomorrow. He said he would but it would be early because he was meeting a friend for a date. As Kari passed the church, she saw Edith and a couple of other ladies. They came out and greeted her.
"No dog today Kari?" said Edith.
"No, he's at home today. I needed to go to the market"

The other ladies were smiling at her. One was plump and silver haired, the other very thin and frail looking with an awful brown wig.
"See you Sunday"
"See you"
Kari watched as they turned the corner back into the sanctuary then bowed their heads together before looking back her way. Probably gossiping like old ladies do, Kari thought. Kari arrived back home at 9:30 and decided to go down to the basement to organize some things and wash the new sheets.
"Come on Rudy, let's check out the basement"
He galloped behind her always interested in going somewhere. The basement was typical; dark and a bit musty smelling. It was divided into 2 sides one for each flat and the other flat was unoccupied. Kari made her way to her side. She took the sheets from the laundry chute and placed them in the washer with detergent and softener. She moved some of the boxes over into the far corner. She noticed that the wall on the right didn't go back as far as the left side, which had an alcove that contained the water meters. Using the mini flashlight on her keychain she peered around the corner to find a hidden room! It was lined with shelves that once contained canning jars and there were still a couple of them there. They looked like they had cinnamon sticks and yarn in one, and herbs of some sort in another. Another small jar had a white substance that looked like rock salt in it. On the bottom of the shelves was a box. Kari had always had a curious nature so she couldn't resist looking inside. It was full of old fashioned dresses! They were all cotton and in different colors. They looked like they were about her size. She took a green one and held it up to herself, switched the washer to delicate cycle put them in the washer. Hopefully they wouldn't disintegrate. They looked old perhaps from the 1930's. This was so exciting! She ran back upstairs to set up things for the delivery of her furniture. She folded the futon and put it in the spare room. Nick wasn't using it right now and then he'd have his own room to stay in when visiting. She put her green lava lamp in there too, and added an old comforter from college. Everything was ready for the furniture. She yawned. She had gotten up so early this morning. The delivery would be anytime between 9 and 3 p.m.. It was now 11:00 and Kari felt sleepy. She called Rudy and they cuddled on the futon. Soon she was asleep.

Adi needed to protect herself. She went into the basement. Their magic was very strong and she was fearful. When first moving to the city from Kentucky she was amazed to find that folks didn't know anything about herbs, magic or spells. They told her it was superstition. She knew the power that could be used. Adi's mother had been a magic woman in the community and had taught her daughter to do the same. Adi had grown up knowing there is such a thing as evil and there were things to do to protect yourself; Her husband Henry had been promised to another girl when they were both 6. He had grown up in the same town. Hazel, his betrothed was a magic woman just like her mother. She had knowledge in herbs and spells. But Henry discovered that she used her power to control others. She was cruel and spiteful. He knew he could never marry a woman like her. One night at a dance held in the next town, Henry was introduced to Adelaide. He was instantly smitten. She was sweet, kind, and loving. He knew that she was from another "magic" family. They met several other times and soon it was obvious they were in love. Henry tried to do the right thing. He contacted Hazel's family to ask for permission to break their engagement. After all they were only children when this happened. Hazel's mother was inclined to agree but Hazel was enraged. She had set her sights on Henry and would accept no changes. She told him that she would curse him if he broke it off. Henry told her this exactly why he was breaking it off and left. Immediately, Henry asked for Adi's hand in marriage. Her parents gave their permission but with hesitation because of Hazel's anger. Henry contacted his cousin in Detroit. He asked if there was a job working for Ford available. He was told that something could be arranged and to start packing. There were a lot of nice apartments to stay in too. It was all set. They had the wedding and Adi's mother had placed a great number of protection spells on the couple. They had their satchels of herbs around their necks. They took off for Detroit on the train the next day. They arrived and Henry's cousin William showed them a place to rent. They spoke to the landlady and put down the deposit. The flat was furnished and very near a church and park. Then Henry went to Ford's to apply for a position. Being that he was highly recommended by William they hired him right away. Everything was set! Adi bought some fabric and made a dress and new shirt for Henry. She looked for work as a seamstress and was hired a few days later by a French family that owned a store in town. She would assist in sewing and do repair work a few days a week, so that the owner’s wife could have some time off with their 4 children. They seemed to be very nice hardworking folks. Adi and Henry settled into a comfortable new life together. Then Henry began to get sick. He was plagued by headache; blindingly painful that made him nauseous. Adi tried to soothe him with cool compresses and darkened rooms, but the pain never abated. She sent word to her mother and a week later received a reply that Hazel was up to no good and telling everyone that would listen that Henry would pay for breaking their engagement. Her mother continued her job as a seamstress and Monsieur LeBeau increased her hours so that she could have enough money to live on. She had found herself with child as well. No one else knew about this yet. They had only lived in their new village for 6 months and she was 3 months along now. She confided in the ladies at church. They were thrilled for her and began to help out by knitting and sewing things for the baby. They planned on helping with the care of her, as they were certain she would have a girl, so that Adi could work. The months passed and it was Christmas. She had sent word to her mother about the arrival of her baby, but she’d had no reply. Her baby was due in 4 weeks. A cradle was placed near her bed and one of the ladies had donated a rocking chair as well. She began to feel very frightened now for the first time since the death of Henry. How could she care for this little baby all by herself? She had sent word to her mother but hadn’t heard anything back in 4 months. She had begun to have fitful dreams all of them were of her looking for her baby. She couldn’t find her baby anywhere. As she drifted off to sleep she heard Henry call out her “Get away from them Adi. They mean to kill our baby.” This jarred her awake suddenly. She had never had such a strong message before. She cautiously went downstairs to the cellar. She went to the storage room and got the salt. She put the salt in all of the doorways and in a circle around her bed. She climbed into the bed and began to cry. She heard a scratching noise at the doorway. She held her bag of herbs close and trembled. The doll of herself and the doll of her baby were hidden beneath the floorboards covered in salt and the pouch from the ladies. She had cut a square of fabric from her old dress and a bit from one of the baby blankets for the baby. Since the baby wasn’t here yet she didn’t have a bit of hair or fingernail. Adi heard the door opening downstairs and heard Mary call up.
“I thought I’d drop in to see how you’re doing. Are you okay my dear?”
“Oh Mary, I’m so frightened. I had a dream that Henry told me someone meant to kill our baby, and heard scratching.”
It sounds like something is trying to scare you. We’ll pray my dear.
“Mighty Spirit, please protect our dear Adi and her little one. As you are in control of all of the sisterhood, we ask a blessing on this sister. Let no man take power from her and strengthen her for the task before her.”
Mary made some tea for Adi and soon she had drifted off to a deep sleep.

Kari woke up with a start. That had been some dream. It was so lifelike, almost like watching a movie. She washed her face in cold water and made some coffee. She seemed to be mixing up the book she was reading with the church ladies and she wondered what she had eaten to give her such weird dreams. Kari looked at the clock and was surprised to find only 45 minutes had passed.
She and Rudy went down to the basement to check on the clothes. The dresses were intact! She took them out to the back balcony and hung them on the drying rack. They had survived the washer but since they looked like cotton she didn’t dare try the dryer. She had a quick lunch of chicken and rice soup and made some coffee. The furniture arrived at 2:30 and she had the delivery men put the furniture in the rooms. She tipped them handsomely and they thanked her. She went into whirlwind mode. She made the bed with the new sheets, put up the last of the decorating items in the living room, set up her dresser with her clothes and before she knew it, it was time to start dinner. She started the grill and cut the pita into quarters. She fired up the oven and mixed olive oil and minced garlic and brushed it on the pita on both sides. She put them on a cookie sheet and baked them for 20 minutes.
After they were done she cooled them on a rack and made the salad. Then she seasoned the steaks and put them on the grill. Nick would be there in 10 minutes as he was very prompt. She set the table and placed the pita chips around a bowl filled with the artichoke dip. Soon Nick let himself in with his key.
“HI Kari! I’m starving”
“Help yourself to the pitas and dip”
“Yum”
Kari pulled the steaks off the grill and they were medium rare and perfectly seasoned with cracked pepper, sea salt and garlic.
“So tell me about this guy” Kari said as she rounded the dining room corner with the steaks steaming on the platter.
“His name is Marc. I met him at the gym. He’s a reporter for the Free Press and a part time psychic”
Nick was a personal trainer at a local gym. He also taught karate.
“Really? That is so interesting! Is he cute?”
“Well I think so. He has dark hair and green eyes. I’m meeting him at the coffee shop at the end of your street. He’s from this neighborhood originally. When I told him where you lived he knew right where it was. I’d like you to come down and meet him”
“On your first date? Are you kidding?”
”It’s casual. I’m kind of just getting to know him.”
“Oh I almost forgot! I have to show you what I found!”
Kari took Nick back to the balcony after they finished their dinner.
“Aren’t these cool?”
“Wow, those are vintage huh?”
“They were in the basement. I’m going to wear one to church tomorrow”
“Church Kari, are you kidding me”
“It’s not like Mom and Dad’s church. It’s run by little old ladies and apparently they’re very casual. I’m going with a open mind, just to check it out”
“Okay” said Nick, as he looked over the pink dress. “but you’d better not wear this one, there’s a hole in it. It looks like it was cut out”
Kari stared in disbelief. “Oh my God, It’s just like my dream!”
Kari told Nick all about her dream. His mouth dropped in surprise.
“You should tell Marc about this. Maybe it means something”
Kari loaded the dishwasher while Nick took Rudy out for his bathroom break.
Kari then filled his water and food dishes.
“We need to go now Kari” said Nick and they began the walk down into town.
“This kind of has me spooked, y’know?”
“Yeah, but I’m sure it’s nothing” They rounded the corner and there sat a gorgeous man. 6’ tall, well built, dark short cropped hair and green eyes that sparkled.
“HI there” called Marc
“Are we late? said Nick
“No, I’m compulsively early for everything” chuckled Marc as he sipped his coffee.
“Marc, this is Kari, my sister”
“Nice to meet you” smiled Kari
The waiter arrived and took their orders. The both had cappuccino.
Nick filled Marc in on Kari’s dream and the dresses.
“It sounds to me like you may be sensitive yourself, a little psychic perhaps?
“I’ve never had anything like this happen before”
“You’ve never come across old dresses in your basement before have you? Some people leave a very strong energy in their belongings and those of us tat are at all sensitive can often pick up on it. Since you don’t consciously realize it, your unconscious mind helped you to see it while you were asleep.” Marc calmly stated.
“Should I be worried about ghosts or anything?”
“Not necessarily. Have strange things been going on?”
“Nothing other then the dream, but I’ve only been there a few days.
“Ill come by next week and take a look around. Maybe I can pick up something that will give you some insight”
“That would be great Marc”
“No problem”
“Is there anything I can do to keep from feeling scared”
“Do you have any religious beliefs?”
“Nothing major”
“Just rely on your belief in yourself and your higher power. Pray or seek guidance from someone in the religious realm if you feel scared”
“Thanks so much Marc. Bye Nick.” Kari said as she kissed Nick on the cheek. She took her coffee and made her way down the street, back to her apartment. She got in her car and drove to a catholic store she had seen in the village. She bought a Jesus and Virgin Mary candle, as well as a Bible. They might giver her some comfort she thought.

The Sisterhood pt 2

Kari drove home that night and made the quesadillas for Rob.They were left in the fridge with sour cream and salsa on the side so he could microwave them himself. He came home at 3 a.m. lookin for a little "love"
"Oh sorry babe, ridin' the red wave right now", knowing the mere mention of menstruation would stop him dead in his tracks.
"Uh, okay honey. I'll take a rain check. Goodnight"
Kari heard the TV in the living room and figured he was probably watching porn to take care of himself. Fine with her.
She rose early the next morning and took off while he was still in bed. She drove to the car dealership and turned her year old beetle in on trade for a black Escape.
She took the trade-in and paid cash.
She called Rob to let him know she'd be back in time for dinner, but her car was in the shop so she was waiting for Nick to drive her home. She went to lunch with Nick and ate Lebanese food with gusto.
"So what are you taking with you?" asked Nick.
"Your paintings, my clothes, CD's, the computer, and Rudy.
"What about furniture?"
"After lunch we're going to Pier One"
"All new huh? Aren't you going to burn through your money?"
"No there's plenty left. Plus he'll have to pay me from the divorce proceedings"
"True. So how are we getting stuff out?"
"You'll see" she said as she smiled mysteriously.
Nick payed for lunch and they took off for Pier One. Kari needed bedroom furniture, living room stuff, an entertainment center, a dining set, dishes, glasses and new candles and decorating items. She didn't need a lot. Just enough to make it a home. Delivery was set for 2 days. Then they went to Sam's Club and bought a mattress, sheets, pillows,a shower curtain, food stuff, cleaners, toiletries and dog food. It was all piled into the van. They drove to her flat and dropped it all off. Nick unpacked his futon into the flat so she could go there tonight as planned.
It was starting to get late in the afternoon, so they went to Rob's.
He was sitting at the table drinking a beer.
"Hey Nick, how's it hangin'?"
"Pretty good so I'm told"
"What's up?"
"Nick is here to help me redecorate"
"Nothing too queer I hope" he winked and laughed.
"Just purple with rainbows and pink triangles" lisped Nick
"That's what I was afraid of" he frowned
"Come on honey, you know Nick is just kidding" laughed Kari
"Me too. Well, you ladies have fun. I gotta meeting to go to" said Rob as he left.
They heard his Harley start up. Both sighed in relief.
"Bye bye Asshole!" yelled Nick and and Kari laughed.
They began loading up all of the paintings. They packed her clothes, computer and other items into his van. Kari whistled for Rudy and he bounded into the van. He loved going for rides.

The Sisterhood

At a visit to my local bookseller, I was lamenting the fact that there are so few good ghost stories. Most horror stories are a gory state of affairs. I really want something that is going to scare the crap out of me, like Salem's Lot did when I was a kid. ( The book, not the movie). So I decided I would write one myself. I've had this story working in my head for a while now. It has been screaming to get out so here goes. Happy Halloween Early!




The past two weeks had been a whirlwind for Kari. Last week after a visit to her gynecologist, she discovered she had syphilis. She knew she had only slept with her husband of 6 years, who had been home from his rock tour 3 months earlier.
When she confronted Rob with this he immediately accused her of infidelity and when she denied this, he gave her a black eye. Kari decided enough was enough. She'd been running through a plan to leave him for about a year. It wasn't the first time he'd hit her. It was the first time he'd given her a disease and the first proof she'd had of his affairs.
That night he drank himself into a drunken stupor. He usually did this after he hit her. She went into the study and went online to the bank accounts. She had set up her own account a few months ago. She transferred $30,000 from his account into hers. That left him with $15,000. His house was paid for in cash. Kari had set up automatic bill pay for all of the utilities and taxes. The only money she ever withdrew was for food, clothes and dog expenses for her rottweiler Rudy.
The next morning Rob was apologetic as always.
"Oh baby, I'm so sorry I lost it. Let's makeup okay?"
" Honey, I've already forgotten about it. I have a class to go to but I'll see you tonight. Quesadillas okay for dinner?"
"Whatever you wanna make baby"
She gave him the last kiss he'd ever get from her and smiled sweetly. She let Rudy outside, gave him fresh water and food. She got in her green Volkswagen Beetle and left. Classes were a ruse she had been using for about a year to get away from him and explain her absences.He was too self centred to ever ask about them. She wasn't fooling around, just trying to find a life outside of the abuse.
She called a real estate agent she'd seen online about a 2 bedroom flat for rent.
He made an appointment with her for a hour later. She went to Burger King and ordered a Whopper Junior and diet Coke at the drivethru. She sat in her car and ate it slowly, savoring her thrill at her nearing freedom.
She made her way to the neighborhood early to look around. It was quiet and lovely. Lots of trees and old homes from the 20's and 30's. There was a park nearby and a lovely little church that was built in the 30's out of stone.
Kari wasn't really one for religion. She and her older brother Nick were raised by Pentecostal extremists. Her brother knew from age 15 that he was gay. He left home at 17. She was rebellious in general and left home 2 days after graduation to live with Rob. She was 18, he was 35. Her parent's pastor told them that they needed to shun their children, and they did. Their church was far more important than their kids. They told both of them that when they were ready to confess their sins and live "Godly", they would forgive them. That was 9 years ago. Recently she'd begun to feel the need to find her own relationship with God. She believed, just not in the vengeful punishing God her parents believed in.
The agent showed up at the apartment.
"I hope you weren't waiting long"
"No I just came early to check out the area"
"Well, let's take a look"
Kari's breath was taken away by the first glance. It was gorgeous. Honey colored wood floors, leaded beveled glass on the front windows. A large bay window glowed with sunlight in the dining room. There were two bedrooms, a large living room, a cute bathroom and kitchen. She loved it!
"The online description said dogs were okay"
" Sure as long as it's well behaved"
"He's been through all of his obedience classes and graduated at the top of the class. I'd feel more secure as a single woman on my own with a dog"
"Sure, it's no problem. Your credit check was excellent, buy the way"
"I'm ready to sign the contract if you have it"
"Right here, and the security deposit?"
"I have cash if that's okay?"
"Absolutely"
Kari gave him the money, got her receipt and he gave her the keys. As he left she dialed her brother's number.
"Well, I did it. I got the flat. I'm leaving the jerk"
"I'm so proud of you for leaving that asshole Kari"
"I'm going to need your help Nick. Tomorrow's your day off right?"
" Yep, I'll bring the van and meet you at the house"
"Thanks so much. I love you"
"Love you too sis"

A Coming Out Story?

I was told by a friend that he was gay. He is over 20 years old and has just figured that out himself. I, being the gay friendly "Mom" type was excited and overjoyed that he was coming out.
But...... he hasn't. I'm one of only two people that know. He's terrified that anyone knows.
I thought this kind of crap was over with. It's pretty damn sad when countries like heavily Catholic Ireland are far more progressive than the good old USA. Unless we as a country can stop acting like homosexuality is a "condition", then there will be people having to hide themselves. It pisses me off!
Love is Love. It grieves me to see someone in pain because who they love doesn't fit the "norm".

Mid Life Crisis

I have been on a weird emotional roller-coaster.
Last year I learned that the best man from my wedding, left his wife and 3 kids. His ex wife called me and we commiserated on mid-life crisis men.
Last week I found that he was getting married. I laughed and said to my ex "Already?
Some people never learn"
I have so many emotions about this.
First, sorrow for the feelings of his ex. She was heartbroken over their divorce and didn't see it coming. She's going to be okay. She has a decent job and he makes lots of money so she'll get plenty of child support.
Next, I wonder why it is that the men that throw away their families because they're bored, think arrogantly that they can do better, or want younger, thinner, prettier, can immediately find another relationship.
It all hits so close to home for me. I'm still alone, still lonely. WTF?
Just what is it that keeps me from dating? I find people I'm interested in. I never know how to pursue this. I am NEVER approached by men.
Do they sense some weird insecurity? Is it simply because I'm fat? I have no idea what the deal is. I do know that my ex still isn't perfect, but he's found someone.
She's great by-the-way. I do hope their relationship works out because my kids love her.
But what the hell is wrong with me? Wish I knew.

I'll never grow up

Is there something wrong with me because I feel more comfortable with younger friends?
People my own age tend to be old farts. They aren't typically computer savvy. They show disdain for My Space. They do little dreaming or creative thinking instead focusing on edging the yard and home improvement. BOOOOORRRRRRING!
I found myself, in 2001, right back where I'd left off in 1984; college student, finding a career path, working loathsome retail jobs, except while raising two kids.
I have a couple of friends, 40ish like me, that are still interesting, fun, creative, however, they are the exception.
My Mom is still alot of fun, and so is my Dad. Downright silly at times too.
I've had two 22 year old employees tell me I don't act my age. I take it as a compliment. I am starting to wonder if this is why after 6 years of divorce, I still haven't dated. Part of this is the vibe of "leave me alone" I apparently give off. I was told by a customer of my former job that men my age probably think I'm much younger than I am and are fearful of coming off as lecherous.
Dunno....... kinda lonely sometimes.... but not for some old fart that edges the lawn.

The Joy of Parenting

I have been held hostage by a teenager.
She insists that I let her do as she wishes or she'll leave and live with her Dad. Just because she feels this will control me. She knows that I will have difficulty in paying my bills without the child support. That is not why I want custody of my children, however.
I've spent the last 17 years devoted to their care. I have sacrificed, went without, and worked like a dog at jobs I hate and busting my ass at college, for their sake.
I wanted to provide a decent life for them and support them in being their own best persons. But, alas, times are tough. I don't have money for satellite and Internet. They have to go to the library to use the computer. They have to watch regular TV. They only have Gamecube and X Box and not WI. I can't give them extra cash for Starbucks, Dip n Dots and Waffle Cone Wednesday. I'm mean because I can only give them necessities. Their Dad makes more than enough for extras. He's better than me.
So I guess I should just hand them over, admit my shortcomings in providing the lifestyle they feel they deserve, lose my home and run to Mom and Dad with my clothes and dog.
And I thought I'd done a good job in raising them..........apparently not.......

The Experiment

I recently participated in a little experiment. I stopped taking my Zoloft for a couple of weeks. Reason number one was that I didn't have the money for them, and number two, I felt I was stigmatized by taking them. I know better. I am trained in the medical field. I crashed HARD! I can no more control my low serotonin uptake than a diabetic can control their lack of insulin production.
I got the script, took them and I already feel better. I have a major obsessive/ compulsive disorder that causes be do become preoccupied with my immenet downfall. I obsess on how many ways I can and believe will lose everything and end up homeless.
Many around me aren't entirely supportive either, so i tend to run with the worst case scenario.
I took my Zoloft today, and I will continue to do so.

Liar

I have discovered something very disturbing about myself. It causes discomfort even confessing it.
I could be a great con woman.
Customers believe me when I say things. I pretend to be profoundly interested in their conversation, even seemingly amused, but I don’t mean it. I am able to feign sincerity very convincingly.
Like a super hero with a special power, I try not to abuse it. I use it only when necessary, like getting out of tickets, and recently, having my car towed. It’s frightening how easily the little lies slip out with the wide eyed look of innocence. Not that I don’t feel horrible right afterwards. I chastise myself for being such a weasel.
I am the person that will cheer in your corner making you feel like you can do anything.
I exude a quality of positive energy. I feel like I can do anything while in the midst of this surge of exuberance, because the person I’m talking to believes it too.
The only person I can’t ever convince is myself. I know what a liar I am. I don’t believe a thing I say.
The fact that I feel guilt is the only thing that assures my ultimate redemption.
Ongoing deceit isn't something I can hold up under.

Mom, Manager, Writer, Singer, Student

I have decided that my procrastination is the bane of my existence.
I have great plans and when my back is against the wall, I discover an amazing ability to accomplish huge tasks. However......
I have goofed off getting my financial aid for college. This may mean I have to wait until winter to go. I'm getting too old to put this off.
I need to update my resume and find a job that pays better or is at least closer than 30 miles one way.
My new home is organized, so I'm not entirely lazy. In fact, it never is about being lazy. It's a matter of priorities. Doing what really matters in a timely fashion.
My Zoloft seems to be keeping my thoughts together better. I'm not so scattered.
I need to be the bitchy Mother figure in my own life to keep myself on task.
My creativity is at a high point. I feel like I can do everything I need to do.
Now just to find the time.

Jazz Baby

I have found myself deeply entrenched in the past.
I love history as it relates to the real ways in which people lived. Wars, dates ect- they're boring to me.
I went to the library and checked out the pictorial history of Detroit 1910-1930, and a book about Hudsons. That led me to another book called " The Devil In The City" about a serial killer taking place during the World's Fair in Chicago in 1893.
History and crime. Oooohhhh, now you're talking.
this has led me to get more books about my favorite era- 1920-1930.
Work is slow. I am bored, so I have been reading a book a day for the last two weeks. the librarians know me now and aren't surprised that I check out 12 books at a time. I do read them all too.
I long to return to the past. My home reflects that too in it's decor.
I feel an urge to write another book, already bored by trying to write the other one. My computer is officially DEAD, so I have to go to the library. Unfortunately, I am one of those folks that talk out the book before writing it. I can't to that in the library, lest I get kicked out or locked up for talking to "the voices".
My Mom says I'll never meet anyone with my nose in a book all of the time. I say, fine. Imaginary men are far more interesting to me at this point anyhow!

The single most annoying thing about this summer cold is all the the plans it destroyed. I had Sunday and Monday off. I was finally going to have time to seek adventure in my little downtown area. Alas, Saturday night found me with a sore throat and sneezing. By Sunday it was a full-blown cold including runny nose, slight fever, sweating and cough.
Today is the first day I've ventured out. I am at the library, tissue in hand.I'm not nearly as grotesque as yesterday. I can smell things a bit today. I showered and dressed to take my daughter to work.
All the plans......Pastry Shoppe, Java and Juice at Atoms, perhaps a light lunch at the corner Diner, re potting my new herbs, finally emptying the boxes of cookbooks into the cupboard; all for naught.
Maybe I can try again. My next weekend off is the same one as my Open House Party.
I somehow think I'll be a bit busy that day.
Damn you virus!

Church Ladies

Sunday morning was bright and sunny and the high heat and humidity that had plagued us through the previous week had abated. Today I was going to get out of this house and go to church. I haven't attended regularly in over a year after having become disenfranchised with the whole organized religion thing.
The couch with it's sunny windows and cool lake breeze beckoned but i was not to be deterred. I need to get back to my writing, specifically my book, but being held hostage in the mall and house was giving me very little of interest.
I walked down my street toward Kercheval having decided I was not up to the Catholic church. Too many things I don't know about that sect of religion to attempt it in my presently distracted state. I stopped at the corner of St Paul to wait for a carload of elderly ladies to turn. They smiled at me. I smiled and mouthed "good morning". They sped along their way.
I arrived at the church 5 minutes before service began. I saw the red car that had passed me, parked in the front of the church. I was greeted by a dear little lady who bid me to come in and that I had arrived on a very special day. I entered the social room to find 10 ladies. One aged in her 50's or 60's the rest 70 or older.
I was introduced to the pastor, a woman who just turned 70 and a recent graduate of seminary. It was the 50th anniversary of their Synod and there was cake to enjoy after service.
This was the entire congregation!All women, all elderly but myself and one other lady. Church was traditional including hymns and an organ. The pastor used references to news stories to illustrate her sermon which was topical and interesting.
Afterward we had cake and coffee. We chatted about the area and they asked about my kids. They hoped I would return and one lady said " If you're looking for a fella, you'll have to bring your own". All of these ladies are widows.
My kids will never go.
I'm definitely returning.

Fun with Poverty

Lest you should think I've overdosed on my Xanex, let me explain.
I have satellite TV, but my anxiety causes me to become antsy if I sit too long.
My land line phone is off for non-payment, so I can't use my computer. ( yes I still have dial up). I spend my time walking and hanging out in the library.
Soon I will reduce my satellite to very basic to save money, I reduced the plan on my cell phone today, I eat sparingly, lots of protein shakes, which will help my weight loss and is quite cost effective.
Having no money for gas to drive anywhere has caused me to rely on finding fun nearby. I judge my purchases on whether I can walk there. My attendance at church this Sunday will be decided whether to walk 7 doors down to the catholic church,
( I am not catholic) or 1 block to the non-denominational church.
I did drive to the grocery store today, payed my cell phone bill,and visited my brother at work,all of which started me well on my way to a panic attack.
God has no subtlety. He has pulled me way back. I HAVE TO de-stress.
I think I'll enjoy this new Urban way of life. My kids have been a no show for 2 weeks now. They're not adjusting very well I'm afraid. The ex and I will have to have one of our "conversations" Thank God for Xanex.

High Anxiety

In my lifetime I have sung in front of hundreds of people at a time, I have been on a live television show, I have been taped singing for another tv show. Fear has never been an issue in those performance arenas. I have typically been fearless in most areas of my life until recently.
I was married young (21) and I went from my Mom and Dad to my husband. I have never lived on my own as an adult until my divorce. At the time of my divorce, I relied heavily on my church for support and they were there. Several years later and they weren't willing to do much because I had become a burden (?). Nothing was ever said, but the response was very cold. I left my church and no one seemed to be too disturbed by that. I couldn't pay all of my bills, I received less than my required child support then, and I ended up losing my home to foreclosure. All of this is unnerving to say the least. I managed to find the home of my dreams and I have moved in. Another glitch- The State has changed the way it pays out child support. My exes pay periods are opposite of theirs. So this month I had to wait 3 weeks to get a check. Keep in mind that it is nearly a third of my income. My home phone and cell are shut off. I will be late with the rent. Panic!
I have discovered that the little imps of destruction I wrote about recently have led me to panic attacks. They are nasty little buggers.
I can't think. I throw up. I sweat and shake. I can't function or leave the house.
I do remember feeling like this before, but I would press through or some sort of "miracle" would occur so that I could take care of business.
I guess God is "growing me up" and perhaps even pushing me to go beyond my comfort zone. God is a Father after all. What father doesn't want their baby to grow up and fly solo?
A visit to the doctor today has less of a spiritual viewpoint.
I am depressed, with good reason, my doctor adds. His directive?
Zoloft and Xanax.Counseling ( gasp, another expense) Lets see how you do. Maybe the Zoloft is short term until the crisis passes. My anxiety ridden viewpoint can't see past this week. So, although I'm not a subscriber to "better living through Chemistry" (sorry Evan),I'll take my meds. I even try to find counseling. I am not sad.
Just scared shitless.

One Helluva Town

I have been so busy just putting stuff away and working that today is the first opportunity I've had to explore. Hopefully I'll get to do more tomorrow and next Sunday. Maybe I'll even have some cash to try out the wares.
Grosse Pointe Park is quite cool!

Oh My GOD!

Pure terror has me up at 11:30 Saturday evening drinking a glass of Cabernet.
I realized this evening, that the first "date" I've gone on since 1984 is a week away. I'm not very good at being "girly". I act much more like one of the guys.
Okay, it's not a romantic date. I asked him out to the wedding because of all of my friends, not currently in the wedding already, he is the one I would enjoy conversation with the most. He's very intelligent. He's sarcastic and obnoxious, traits I highly favor. He's 9 years younger so I kind of feel old. I don't expect to be swept off my feet or anything. But to be treated like a woman? What's that?
17 years with someone that initially made me feel attractive and loved and left me feeling too ugly to be seen in public has me feeling insecure. I am over most of it except for feeling that I am unworthy of attention. I usually feel as though I should apologise for bothering anyone or "making" them listen to me. I still feel no one could ever desire or love me because I am just too horrible.
I know what I am. I am a 42 year old woman with physical imperfections. I am overweight, and stuff on me sags. I have lost 30 pounds and I am still striving to lose more. I think I am a pretty nifty person, but my life experiences have caused me to question even that. Maybe the combination of being fat, opinionated, smart and sarcastic is just a bad mix.
I am always hopeful that someday, I'll get over this insecurity. I'll meet someone that likes me the way I am, imperfections and all.
Will I be the Ugly Step Sister at the ball, or Cinderella? Or neither?
Until then, I'll drink another glass of wine.

Nature in the Big City

There have been many feasts for the eye today.
This morning-
Swan tip ups:
The swans tip their butts in the air to feed on the stuff in the lake. Ducks do it and so do geese. Swans have much bigger behinds,and black legs that keep on kicking while they tip. Hilarious!

Baby Bunnies:
In the small island of vegetation opposite of the pickup window at Tim Hortons, my keen eye (from generations of hunters, though not me) spies a brown rabbit.She is squatting down and then I see the reason. She's nursing a brood of babies! Tiny babies, eyes still closed.They're furred though and have tiny ears.

Baby Birdie:
While unpacking another load of stuff into the new duplex, I spy birds above us and my son says MOVE! They poop on the space we previously occupied. They're screeching at us madly. Next to the air conditioner, a baby. He's out of the nest too early. He has fuzz still.Mom and Dad feed him from his hiding spot near the conditioner and under the deck. Hope the alley cat doesn't get him.

I love nature. I hate the way we're pushing animals from their natural habitats. Too many squashed critters too. Makes me feel very sad.
Recently, a mother coyote and her 6 pups were relocated from Grosse Pointe Shores to the "Thumb" area. ( Those not from Michigan,call a friend)

Somewhere In Time

Part of the reason I love my new home is because I have always been enamored of history.
I love Greenfield Village, a museum that is in Dearborn Michigan . It is set up as a village and all of the buildings are furnished and restored to their period.You literally walk from home to home and actors often portray people of the homes.They even have an old fashioned one room school house. It contains a large number of historic buildings. I have been there many times and I have had a membership several times.
Today I was struck by the thought that I was living in history. My home is from 1920, the church behind me is quaint in it's hourly bells and twice daily hymns. My home is in the Arts and Crafts style. My furniture is "Arts and Craftsish" with a sprinkling of antiques. The oldest being from the early 1900's. I have old stuff and I love it all the more because it's old.
The neighborhood has changed little from the 20's and 30's. Tomorrow, I plan on going to town walking , something I have never been able to do as a suburbanite.
I feel as though through some twist of fate,I have been able to slip in unnoticed and live in Greenfield Village. Yes,the city buses, boom cars, and satellite dishes are all too apparent. I haven't slipped a cog. I am simply charmed by the antiquity of my new little town of Grosse Pointe Park.

I hereby renounce crap

I have decided to renounce my materialistic tendencies.
Moving has been the catalyst. I have sooooo much crap.And it is crap.
Much will be donated, much will be left behind for the person that bought the house to deal with.
I am overwhelmed, tired, worried and irritated. My only relief is when I enter my new flat. It's quiet, neat, ( because my "crap" isn't and won't be there), and so matching my new viewpoint of life.
The Big Move is Sunday. Boxes all day Saturday. Feh, I hate moving.

By the way,the pic isn't my house. Right now, mine is much worse.

Imps

Can't seem to shake it. I never know what will bring this on.
Looking up at the stars this evening, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread.
Things are looking up for me as I am on the verge of moving into a flat that I love,
yet underneath it all, a little voice whispers " You'll only screw this up too"
and " Something will go wrong, you don't deserve this" It used to have my ex husband's voice but now it's only my own.
I would chalk it up to self loathing, but I feel good right now. Pessimism? Maybe.
I just wish I could feel good about my decisions and not worry about the evil little imps of destruction I always anticipate.

Pooh Bear

I tend to be a worrywart. I came by it naturally from my Mom. She worries herself sick and obsesses about everything.
After a big storm, I went to the new flat to discover a small puddle in my bedroom.
Then upon inspection of the basement, I found 1/2" of standing water in a large section of the storage area.
I had never seen the basement in light before because the former tenants let all of the light bulbs burn out and the real estate agent, who handles the property for the landlord, never replaced any of them.
I was heartbroken. When I lost my house to foreclosure,I found this place instantly and really felt that it was the answer to my prayers. It was a real "God Thing". He took my ashes and changed them to beauty. He does that sort of thing.
I tentatively called the landlord. Who wants a tenant that complains about stuff before they've even moved in? My fears were alleviated when he called me back right away,as did his maintenance man. Tim, the maintenance man will be meeting me Saturday to look at the roof and the storm drain in the basement. The landlord assures me that everything will be taken care of immediately.
When all of this happened,I freaked out, but I did think " Hey Denise, if this is a God Thing, won't He take care of this problem?" He did.
I also read the Tao of Pooh. Pooh and I have a lot in common. Prior to my disastrous marriage, I was a person that viewed life with childlike curiosity and a trusting positive nature. I have begun returning to that viewpoint. I am mature enough to realize that being a trusting innocent can bring me misery if I have faith in less-than- trustworthy persons for I do not live in The Hundred Acre woods.
I sure would like to. I even like honey.

Penne with Asparagus and Lemon

I can't help shake the feeling I am on the verge of something wonderful and exciting.
The new flat, Spring in the air.
I am seeing things as if with new eyes. I found myself transfixed by a lemon. The way it looked, it's fresh scent and the powerful taste and fragrance from the juice.
It pleasured me again in my penne pasta and asparagus, as well as a tall glass of iced water.
I watched Joyce Meyer before bed. She admonished all of us to live simply.It must have stayed on my mind through the night. I woke up to see things in a new light.
Even though my job is crappy right now and moving is a nightmare, I am so excited about my new home,that I have found my mind drifting to it. It represents a new start for me. I can see myself entertaining in it, relaxing it it, and even making love there. The last one especially has been filed away in the back of my mind.I dared not even consider ever allowing myself to dream of relationships. I am quite tentative still, but I find that I am open to the possibility of dating.
I am, not unlike others of my age group, set in my ways. I like doing what I like. My kids are still at home but probably for only another 6 years or so. I find joy in reading books that are a bit removed from the norm, like Forensic Pathology. I obsess over the history of my neighborhood. I enjoy one-sided conversations with my dog, watching ducks with their ducklings, geese with their goslings and swans with their cygnets, hummingbirds at the feeder, and wondering at the inner secrets of Lake St.Clair. I can hardly wait to plant my scarlet lillies, pumpkins and tomatoes in the tiny flower bed in our miniature yard. I like to go on My Space or watch The Chiller Network as well as Forensic Files. I look forward to my pathogenic microbiology class in the Fall. I love being a dork!
I just wonder, can a woman of 42 find someone that will allow me to continue my interests unabated and that will like the quirkiness that I exude? I care, but I will never stop being "me".

Friends of Dorothy

So what's with all of the "gay" links to my blog?
I am not gay. I am straight,although right now, asexual is more to the fact.
My brother is gay. My parents and most of my family are okay with that. My son tells his friends that he has 2 uncles, just like the book where Heather Has Two Mommies.
I am constantly amazed by people that are so freaked out by homosexuality. My former church is my former church partly because of that sort of attitude. I simply don't have time for hate.
They're here- they're queer- get used to it people.
Gay Pride Parade in The D- June 3rd.

Tempest In A Teapot

You'd think after being with someone for 16 years you'd know their M.O.
My ex has a history of ruining every single holiday or birthday during our relationship. So regardless of his insanity, I really believe in retrospect,that his craziness was more apt to be 1) rage in general. He has issues with this.
2) wrecking my birthday, which was the next day after
the confrontation.
I am learning that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. I am DONE being the victim.
My kids are happy, healthy, decent human beings. I may not be a perfect parent, but I am doing my best. My lack of money doesn't mean they're suffering. I guess this is all of the process of making me stronger. His rantings and ravings set me back a bit, but it won't happen next time.
Just like a summer storm, he came in strong and has since blown away.

On a positive note:
I have begun moving things into the apartment. I LOVE THAT PLACE!!!!! I took the dog with me so he can get used to the place and he'll be less likely to flip out when we're there for good.

Also: reading "The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove" by Christopher Moore. If you have a sense of humor, read his books. He's funny and witty. Descriptives such as " her laugh sounded like a metallic hyena" keep me coming back for more.
Or
" Please do not endorken yourself to me. Do not sully your hottie image in my head by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda" from You Suck
Just friggen hilarious.

I Will Survive (?)

Although I tend to come off as confident, I have deep fears.
I am moving from my house to a rental. The house became too much for me. The cost is high and it was slowly falling apart. The roof is bad,the driveway collapsed, and the foundation is cracked.
I got married at 21.I went from my Mom,to my ex husband. I had two apartments with my ex, one for a year and another for 12 years. Then this house where my ex lived for less than 2 years. I have lived in this house without my ex since 2000. It was a fixer-upper. But it never got fixed up. I had no money to do it. The economy in Michigan collapsed right along with my house. Although I went to college, I can't find a job in my field.
I got the news that the house was no longer mine. It had been forclosed, then auctioned. The same night, I went online and discovered the rental I now have. I am a firm believer in God's grace and His ability to use what was planned for Evil to be used instead for good. Finding this apartment was a " God Thing"

Now,onto the problem du jour: My ex is acting physchotic. Seriously, in the Cho sort of way. He has decided that "I've had the kids long enough." He'll give me money as long as I " give the kids to him". 3 phone calls to my cell phone Friday night at work. Lots of yelling. But I'm not "supposed to feel threatened". Funny, I do. He never hit me, but it was only a matter of time until it happened. What he did verbally, was as bad as a punch to the face. Just not as easy to see.
So, here's my Achillies Heel: I always feel inadequate.My ex knows that. He always knows which buttons to push. I have support but my parents live 200 miles away. My friends and brother are over in Ferndale. My sister, although capable of killing with her bare hands from Navy training, lives all over the place. They've all "got my back" but considering recent events in Virginia, are any of us safe? No support group can keep you safe from crazy. I have only rare glimpes of feeling safe. Those people either turned out to be anything but,or they've gone away.I try to remember to find security in God. But He doesn't have arms to hold me. He doesn't screen my phone when "Crazy" calls.
I am insecure yes.This is, I suppose, all part of Denise growing up. I am 42,but I was so sheltered,that I'm really like a kid. This is the first apartment I've ever rented on my own. My very first Big Decision, so I'm a little scared.
But who isn't scared of craziness?I just don't know what he might do. He's enraged.
Does anyone ever feel as though they're okay? That they'll survive? They can rely on themselves? Because I never feel that way.

Moving On

Although I haven't picked up the keys , I am already haunted by my new apartment.
It has original features like push button light switches, beveled leaded glass windows, huge sash double hung windows, small closets with little square windows inside apparently for light. The house was built in 1920. It was a single dwelling of appx. 2800 square feet before being split into 2 apartments. I have the upstairs which is 1300 sq. ft.
The first day I looked at the apartment, I heard church bells playing "How Great Thou Art". I asked the agent what church it was and he told me it's St.Ambrose. I feel drawn to this Gothic- Style church. I'm not Catholic, but I do feel compelled to attend worship there and seek solitude for prayer.I don't know if they'll mind a lapsed Lutheran hanging out. Maybe they'll try to convert me?
This entire area is made up of old streets named for original families like Vernor,after the ginger ale folks, Morang,and Allard, ancient churches, and homes built during the time period of the Golden Age of Grosse Pointe ( 1860- 1930). I am surrounded by history, lifestyles of the rich, and culture of a forgotten era.
It does exude a feeling of being haunted. I am very sensitive to this sort of thing and it really doesn't frighten me.I look at it as a welcome distraction since I hate my job and most other facets of my current life. I can lose myself in the past and mix it up with the future.
I have the landlord's permission to rearrange the kitchen and with the addition of my appliances; dishawasher,frige and new countertop with built-in cutting board surface,I will make something workable as a kitchen,which it currently barely passes for. I bought perfect lace curtains for the dining room, and I am searching for a sideboard or buffet for the dining room as well.
I'm nosy and I want to know the history of my home and neighborhood. There is an old library within walking distance to my house.
I'll find the microfiche and I'm not afraid to use it.

Delicious Life

In my mind, life has become a buffet of tantalizing variety.
My life lately has been a daily dose of oatmeal, plain no sugar. Boring, dull, yet filling and healthy. The daily grind of work, clean, pay bills, same old.
In my last post, I referred to losing my home. It happened. My house was foreclosed on, and auctioned off. (That delicacy would probably be raw dandelion greens, bitter.)
Then, doing a search online I found an flat that is bigger and in a better neighborhood, and still in my kids school district. Also, $150 less a month. It is walking distance to The Village of Grosse Pointe, I'll get a Park Pass to one of the best parks the city has to offer.( This tastes like the first ice cream cone of the summer season)
I thought I would be devastated. I figured I'd have to consider the possiblilty of losing my kids because they would opt to live with their dad.
Apparently,none of these are in the works. My kids are excited about moving. I can even take the dog. All of my friends are volunteering their assistance.
The surprise? (The hot fudge ice cream puff when you weren't expecting it) I have a
date for an upcoming wedding. Nothing romantic. Just a really nice guy I can talk to and interrogate for my upcoming book. He has knowledge in the area of police procedure.
Auntie Mame said " Life is a banquet and some poor suckers are starving"
I concur.

Evidence of Spring

The Cardinal's song wakes me
At the top of the neighbor's tree
The bright sun blazes through the blinds
Bulbs pop in exuberance
Grass quickly greens
Neighbors reunite outside
Kids skateboard, ride bikes
The gathering of yard debris begins
The birdfeeder sees countless sparrows, occasional purple finches
Squirrels run crazed through the park

I pray my home will stay mine.

Lovers Love The Spring

I feel like a bear coming out of hibernation, and sniffing the air. I like what I'm smelling too.
We've had sunny and warmer weather here in Detroit for a week.We've also had flash floods that left one community with basements full of water after a 3 inch downpour in less than 45 minutes.
The mall is humming with folks buying new warm weather clothes, lawn furniture, mowers and diet pills ( at my store)
I have reached the point in my weight loss, that others can see the changes and are commenting. Mostly customers who see me a couple of times a month.Plus,I have all of this new found energy, and I am writing daily on my book.A couple of the customers I really like will be characters in my book. I have told them this and presented one of them with a few pages to check out.
I will be attending a party this weekend, and I am going to ask someone out this week too. I suppose all of the positive energy/Karma, I have been sending out is finally coming back,and it feels good!

Spring Cleaning

Spring has sprung in Detroit. I did finally begin my spring cleaning. I have come to one conclusion; I have way too much stuff!
I love books. I'd rather have books than chocolate, and that's saying a lot. But I have too many. I try to give them away. Some I read and decide they're junk. I did throw away my paperback of "On The Road". I found I despised the characters and hoped they'd die of exposure or get locked up because they were such a waste of life.
I found some old Focus on The Family, James Dobson,propaganda which made it's way to the "cylindrical file". I give books away and loan them to others as well.
All of the books were carefully wiped with Pledge wipes,and stacked attractively in the appropriate categories. I have a very large section of classics including, Middlemarch, Angela's Ashes, and Poe. I have my David Sedaris and Christopher Moore section of newer beloved books. There is also a section devoted to history and lastly, a section for book research which includes Forensic pathology, Anatomy and Physiology,also Unsolved and Infamous Murders.
Allthe while I cleaned I had "How Clean Is Your House?" from the BBC on TV. These women actually clean, not like Martha Stewart,who has a staff of people to do her bidding. They reform "slobs" that live in the most disgusting filth you'll ever see.Very inspirational.
I still have much to do. I still have ancient linoleum that has to be waxed. I need to caulk the bathtub then the yard work begins. My yard is a mess. Much to do to get the containers ready for my crops too.
Somehow,I finally "got off the pot"