Unemployed Stream of Conciousness

gotta get something done today
Gawd I feel crappy
this house is a mess
I'm still so tired
Coffee, where's the coffee?
That's better
what should I do, who cares?
maybe I'll just play some Wii
okay, now I'm tired
guesss I'll take a nap
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
repeat until bedtime ( around 1 a.m.)

The Hermit

Sliding into my flannel cocoon, I reach for another book. This time it is The Book of William by Paul Collins. I am savoring it like fine wine. I should be embracing the outside world, or so everyone tells me, but all in good time. I know my time in this unemployed state of leisure is coming to an end. I want to enjoy it a bit longer. You can have your parties, barbecues, and such. Leave me alone with a book or 10, my pajamas and a snugly comforter and I'm in heaven.........

High School

Tonight is another mini reunion of folks from high school. I am looking forward to it, but not with out trepidation.
In many cases, I'd rather be remembered as the amusing, sarcastic, singer that I was, rather than the unemployed divorced mom that I am now. I have done some cool stuff, and I've overcome some rather horrifying obstacles, but one tends to measure in regards to wealth, educational achievement and such.
I was very guarded in high school. People saw me as confident, when I was far from it. I am dumbfounded by people that thought I was "popular" and dated. (Wasn't and didn't.) A friend that remained so after high school remarked that some people grow and change for the better and some just become bigger jerks. Indeed, the people that I find fascinating are the regular kids that weren't so "popular" and are just happy and confortable with themselves. The most surprising thing are all of the people my age (44) with little kids. Also, the kids that were "stoners" that have gone on to be pillars of health and success. As a writer, these people are far more interesting to me than the jocks and girlies that everyone noticed. We've been getting together every 3 months and it's been fun. Some of the people I want to see the most, are out of state and can't make it.
Ah, well..... even if it sucks and no one talks to me, I will be eavesdropping and using as much for my writing as I can. ( Tee-hee)

Coming Out of the Fog

The ongoing battle with insomnia had me watching TV at 1:00 a.m. and I stumbled across POV on PBS. The show was about a guitarist, Eric Metzgar, that suffered a brain hemmorhage and his recovery back from a vegative-like state. I went back to my own time when an anuerysm struck at 29 and led to a stroke.
My recollections are that it was like being drugged. I felt like a zombie. I had no facial expressions, and I recall feeling disconnected from my emotions as if I were watching my life from the outside. I wanted to go back to my life before, but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't remember how to do simple things. My kids pre-school teacher had to call me to remind me to get my kids from Story Hour. I couldn't remember how to get to the grocery store about a mile from the house. I had been deemed " not damaged enough" to require rehabilitation, so my family doctor, knowing better, recommended role playing and memory games on the computer. ( Thank God my parents had one, this was 1994) I could barely take care of my kids or myself and there I was, doing it anyway. The death knell had been sounded on my marriage (unknown to me at the time) and I had to get better fast to survive. It took 3 years and survive I have. Recently, my algebra prof asked if I was aware of my loss of abilities at the time and when I told him I was, he was horrified.It's been scary as hell, and I still shed tears. There are still residuals, though most people wouldn't notice. I thank God everyday that I survived. That being said, if I have another stroke- I hope it kills me. I'd rather never go through this again.