Outside Myself

I can unabashedly say that I am a great singer. It's the only thing I have a God- given talent for really. A major element in singing is putting forth a piece of yourself in the song- that's the part that makes you shudder when you hear it- the bearing of the soul. I am very good at this.
In daily life, I suck at it. I invariably bear my soul to those that stamp upon it. I trust the wrong person every time. The pain of CONSTANT rejection has taught me to trust no one. When I do , I ALWAYS get screwed. Those smarter than me say I have to "put myself out there" "be confident", but that doesn't work for me. I am an awkward person when it comes to connections of the heart. And I seem to attract only the worst person for me.
The song I'd pick for my theme song is "Outside Myself" by k.d. Lang
Here is a link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQYppJnbllk

Autophobia

Life has consistently taught me one thing- I'm better off keeping people at arms length. The writer in me craves interaction; the injured being that I am requires me to distance myself. The profoundly deep feeling that " I'm just not good enough" that was reinforced throughout my marriage.
I wish it weren't that way. My friends have the ability to have intimacy, while I find it to be a painful, degrading episode. The very moment I begin to feel as though I can be like other people, I get smacked down by the reality that I am not acceptable. If my outlook is one of protective loathing of human contact, at least I can avoid the pain of rejection.

Once again- The Holidays * sigh*

Get Me Through December
Lyrics: Gordie Sampson & Fred Lavery
Based on the melody 'Neil Gow's Lament For The Death of His Second Wife'

How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain
As the changing of seasons prepares me again
For the long bitter nights and the wild Winter day
My heart has grown cold my love stored away
My heart has grown cold my love stored away

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
But faith can move mountains of that I am sure
Faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Just get me through December
So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin
And peace is a gift that must come from within
I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Just get me through December
So I can start again

Friend or Foe?

FRIEND
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement:
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.
tr.v. friend·ed, friend·ing, friends
1. To add (someone) as a friend on a social networking website.
2. Archaic To befriend.


I have given a lot of thought to friendship lately. I find that while I have many acquaintances, I have only a handful of friends. For me a friend doesn't even need to be someone I spend a lot of time with. One such person lives in NYC, and I have seen him once in the last 25 years, but we are kindred spirits, as thus, I consider him a friend.
I am one of those folks on Facebook. I really like it. I can keep in touch with several friends and family members. The dark side however is that is has made my life accessible by people that I would not ordinarily deign to bother with. Two-faced, mean, rude and negative people have invaded my sanctuary. I tend to observe them for a while like some sort of specimen, and then when I can stand it no more, I hide, block or delete them. If it were only that simple in real life.

NO FAT CHICKS

I wish I had a better body.Losing weight is a very slow process for me. I can count on sucess only through drastic means like forgoing all carbs and a 75% raw diet, which has it's own unattractive side-effects.
I wish I had the ego most men have too. Seems every guy I meet is looking only for "perfection", especially the kind that can only be acheived through plastic surgery. I meet very few men that even inspire ANY sort of interest, but when I do it's great. Then I chit chat and get to know them. BAM- then it's all out on the table- they only find a certain type that is good enough to date; the body of a 15 year old with gigantic DDD boobs, tons of facial surgery and of course NO BODY FAT! This is from men that look to weigh as much as a defensive tackle. I don't get it?
So only perfect specimens are good enough? Those of us with body fat, great personalities, attractive and smart- we aren't even in the running? Everything I read about dating says " confidence is everything", but how confident are you going to be knowing the person you're interested in wouldn't look twice at you? This is why it's just easier to avoid relationships altogether for me. I just can't measure up.

Living Homeless Style

I have been without electricity for nearly a week now. Up until yesterday I was running my refrigerator from a cord plugged into the neighbors basement, they gave me permission when they moved. Now the utilities have transferred to my landlord and hence his building management company, so they pulled the plug and padlocked the basement door. I can still get in there because there is a hole between the rooms they don't know about, but I am sucking it up and doing without. My case worker assures me that my power will be back on by Thursday or Friday. I am certain of nothing.
All of this happened because I was unemployed for 2 years and paid sporadically. DTE usually sends shut off notices and then your case worker will help you with payments. They NEVER SENT ME ONE FOR OVER A YEAR and thus I could never get the assistance I needed before it got to be over $2000. I bought a propane heater and a camping lantern that runs on D batteries. I still have gas and can cook and shower. I have an oil lamp and I am currently at the library charging my phone, and laptop as well as blogging. I clean and cook during daylight, and I work days, so all I can do at night is bundle under my 3 comforters,listen to my battery operated radio and read. But now my son is sick. that changes everything. I have to take care of him. He has been staying with friends, but he has to come home now. I had to call in at work and miss a day. I don't have sick days or personal days, so I don't get paid. This is exactly how people become homeless- things spiral out of control and then they're on the streets. This is my waking nightmare. I continue to work with DHS, St. Vincent DePaul and work. I want to be a productive, working member of society. I just have to get through this. With God's Grace, I will.
I pray there is a special place in Hell for DTE management, right along side with Hitler and pals. They have blood and burnt babies on their hands.

It's a just a fantasy

The new job is all encompassing. When I am there, I barely find time to go to the bathroom or eat. All of my time is spent dealing with paperwork, cooking, organizing or interacting with the residents. I get two glorious days off and spend one of them cleaning up after my "kids". I use my time in the one hour drive to and from work, to think up stories, so I am back to the writing. I guess whatever the situation, I use my writing as a means of mental escape. Now just to find a way to make a living doing it and I will have reached my ultimate goal. I am writing again, and that's a great feeling!

Jack of all trades- master of many

Having just started working in a business that is just getting off the ground has been a whirlwind for me. I have management experience but not with senior assisted living, so I am learning as I go. So far I have been doing a lot of cooking, cleaning and trying to feel my way in the dark. I have been unemployed so long that I take whatever is in front of me. Want me to cook 3 meals a day and wash dishes in between? Okay, no problem. Want me to supervise staff and answer phones? Got it. Need me to fill in as an aide on midnights? Well, okay..... Trying to do all of it has been a challenge, and as a person that expects only perfection of myself, I was getting burned out. Things are beginning to fall into place more, but I find myself wondering, just what aspect of this work do I really want to do as a profession? I still need to do a lot of looking into what type of degrees are in this field. I can't see myself being a "business" person because I still have a soul and often that is a disadvantage in hard business. (Sigh) 45 and still trying to figure out what I want to be. On the plus side, I do know my strengths; I am a people oriented person, I am caring and hardworking, I am very organized, and a linear thinker. I plan my duties in an outline form in my mind so I can eliminate useless tasks and efficiency is the main goal.

Consider the ant

Having been married to someone that was seasonally employed, I have a love hate relationship with fall and winter. We were always broke and I usually found myself going to get WIC, Focus Hope and standing in line at The Goodfellows to get Christmas presents for the kids. The same person that encouraged me to get these things now rants along with Rush Limbaugh about the "welfare scum".
Should I feel bad about getting help with food while I was unemployed? I will still be purchasing from Angelfood Network now that I have been blessed with employment.
I still get a little twinge of fear every time the kids are getting ready for school. I know I'll be able to buy my son clothes and school supplies this year. I make enough money to afford my basic expenses and I will even have a bit left over.
Old habits and fears do die hard, but I feel truly blessed.

Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it

It finally happened- I GOT A JOB!!!!
It's in a setting I consider to be God's Work- assisted living. I will be able to utilize some of my medical assistant skills within the administrative realm and I'll be able to help and befriend many senior citizens, which are my favorite kind of people.
I am thankful to God that my cousin thought of me for the position she needed to fill, since she's the manager. Sadly, most of the people I know that have found jobs, have found them because they know someone. I was going to pursue a career in health care. With all of my training in the medical field, encompassing skills like phlebotomy, injections and patient care, I would only make $8-9 and hour. That will keep me impoverished. I am rethinking what I want complete my education in. So if we pay health care workers minimum wage, why are we so surprised when Grandpa's nurses aide doesn't show up and doesn't seem to care about him. This is just like child care. We place our precious children often with uneducated people making minimum wage and feign horror when our babies are warehoused and ignored.
I have been doing a lot of reading. My studies of history have led me to the conclusion that this country was never based on the level playing ground notion that anyone can be anything. There has always been a class distinction in this country. If you don't believe me, first of all, READ A BOOK, and then go and hang out with the Country Club set. They'll let you know right away where you fall in class levels. They're not necessarily smarter, more refined or more talented, but they feel they ARE ABOVE YOU, simply by virtue of their connections and power. It has always been that way in this country. It's one of the nastier things we have brought over from The Old Country. Bottom line- some jobs and people are deemed lesser. We have degraded ourselves back to serfdom and Lord of the estate.Amusingly,Europe has evolved while America has stagnated in regard to the care of it's people. It makes me really sad and determined to be one person to make a difference in the lives of people that society throws away. We've always had people that are of lower intelligence and only able to do manual labor. But just like the 18th century, their standard of living is very bad. There were wonderful people that rose from the filth and muck of poverty and made themselves into successful people, but not without opposition from their "betters". Unions were brought about because too many people were being maimed and killed in factories and sweatshops where employees earned only enough to keep them from starving to death, while the businessmen were living in splendor. Big business viewed employees as disposable fodder. THAT HASN'T CHANGED! VERY FEW businesses care about anything but their bottom line. Union busting isn't driven by anything but greed. Businessmen lament their having to pay taxes and costs of their employees insurance, but mostly they're pissed because they can't live in the luxury they feel is due to them. No one is happy living a good life; they want the newest, the best, world travel, a Hummer. They've earned it by God! There was a similar business model we employed in this country called SLAVERY; living off the sweat and hard work of another.
I am not afraid of hard work or seeking an education to better my lot in life, but I am discouraged by the current state of affairs that is corporate America and the government is run in the same business model. This is why we have such a vast division of the classes in this country again. It was the way our country started and it will lead to our demise it we don't stop it. Ever heard of Rome? Keep playing your fiddle big business.Rome is burning.

Proud or ashamed?

Poverty is my daily opponent and obstacle. I wake up with the fear of whether my car will break down, or if I will finally succumb to my present heath issues. I fear going to the doctor because that will cause more debt with no means to pay it. Not unlike the deer in the headlights, poverty is paralyzing and feels like a raw empty space that nothing will ever fill or heal. I can usually overcome it by prayer, Xanax, deep breathing or a combination of all 3, but there are days, due to other outside factors such as illness, shut off notices, cuts in unemployment benefits or an inability to purchase required prescriptions, that poverty is going to win. I crawl off to my bed, play computer games, read books, or watch movies. I only have 2 xanax left and I don’t have $60 for more. I could soon face eviction as well.
My darkest thoughts question why I am so easily disposed of? Am I so inconsequential as to be allowed to die homeless in the streets? Are my kids unworthy because their mother is unable to find work? I am not too proud. My chosen career is to take care of the elderly and infirmed. I am not too good for anything. I have sought employment as a maid, nanny, dog walker, and fast food. I wonder why I have been chosen to be deemed “useless” by society. I don’t drink, smoke and I’m celibate. The only place I frequent is church. I am kind to others and always offer to help anyone else in need. But, I cannot find work. And this has made me a leper, a parasite, welfare scum. And I don’t even know if I’ll get welfare. I wonder what the next step down the caste system is from that?

This 4th of July has me wondering what kind of country I live in. A country that doesn’t care for it’s own people but ass kisses every corporation around; The same companies that would rather ship all of the work to Mexico rather than pay a decent wage to working folks. God Bless America, but I’m afraid we’re reaping what we’ve sown. And I hope all of you bastards in Washington enjoy your f’ing holiday.

Encourage One Another

Being a friendly person, I engage in conversations with my not only friends but my neighbors. One topic is education and jobs. My neighbor is an EMT and in nursing school. She is a single mother of 3 and her sister moved in recently with her twin girls. I have often said hi and chatted with them. Yesterday they asked me how college was going and I told them that although I had a 3.6 GPA, I would not be eligible for Baker's program because I have to have 4.0. I also shared my despair at the government not passing the latest unemployment bill, so I will be losing my last 10 weeks of benefits. I have shared my situation with "friends" that I have known for years. My mother has spoken to her friends and church about the situation and they have lifted me in prayer.
Many people of my own personal circle have been supportive, but quite a few of them also have insinuated that I am somehow negative,and that I don't really want to work because I am lazy or not trying. Some of my Mom's friends went a step further and just said that I was not willing to take what I could get. The neighbors? They encouraged me and told me they'd pray for me. That God cared about me and as long as I trusted in Him and worked hard to do my part, He would bless me with a career.
They understand that I am not complaining, but I am just reaching out in my own frustration. By the way- the neighbor's sister is a Katrina survivor. She had a really good job as a nurse in New Orleans. She lost her job, her home and has been seeking work in Michigan because she has family here. She is leaving soon though. She can't go back to New Orleans. The rent in her area went from $1000 a a month to $4000 a month. She knows better than anyone what can happen to people that love God. They CAN lose everything, but they keep on trying. And they look to one another for encouragement. I can only think that some people never learned that in Sunday school.


Hebrews 10:23-25 ESV
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.


1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV
Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

WORTHy?

I am down to the last 10 weeks of any unemployment I can draw. I have filled out countless applications for jobs ranging from police dispatcher to dog walker. I have had precious few actual interviews. Now I am starting to get scared.
I wonder, does God really give a crap if I am out on the streets? I am just one among millions that are suffering on the Earth. I have taken classes, I have an A- GPA and I am trying to find any sort of work, even if I have to work several part time jobs, I am willing to do anything.
I am starting to feel as though I am a discarded person with no intrinsic value- in other words- WORTHLESS. It's a shitty feeling and I hope it's temporary.
I am an important person to my kids. They're relying on me.

Do you know The Muffin Man?

I consider myself a fairly intelligent human being. Most of us like to think we can't be taken in by a scam, but I am here to state that I was indeed scammed. The worst part? It was by a college. We'll call this college, "Muffin Man". MM took me in by promising me that they didn't have long waiting lists for their nursing program, "They only allow 40 students per quarter to enter the program and they keep the lists down that way." Yes, but they don't tell you that they allow hundreds to declare themselves in nursing and take the pre req.'s to go into the program. MM also takes advantage of federal loans by allowing you to borrow up to $6000 a year to use for "living expenses" To someone that has been unemployed for nearly 2 years, like myself, that money is manna from heaven. I bought my laptop for college with it, I have used it to keep my car running and even for clothing. The downside is that now that I am certain NOT to get into nursing because my GPA is only 3.6 instead of 4.0, I have debt up the a** and I am still unemployed. The insult to injury- MM is not accredited, something they assured us was "only a matter of time and paperwork", so I can't transfer any of it to a reputable college. I am finishing my quarter here. I may even take a class in the fall because if I don't get a job, the loan may be the only way I can survive. I have since applied to a reputable community college for a CNA program. I can get a job as a certified nurses aide. I will be starting that program in the Winter or Spring session.
Don't get scammed like me. ONLY go to ACCREDITED COLLEGES.

CORRECTION: One small correction- they are regionally accredited, not nationally. Also, my community college will take partial credit- so the A&P I and II transfers as A&P I only. Either way- ripped off

Time Marches On

Today I am 45 years old.
Here are some random thoughts.

I am in a very scary place right now. My unemployment benefits have been exhausted and I am still without a job. I am fervently looking for employment. The scariness lies in the thought that I could lose my apartment, have to move in with my parents and my son would have to live with his dad in order to finish high school with his class. He doesn't want that scenario and neither do I. Amidst all of the terror, I find myself peaceful in nature. Driving along the lake this morning, I realize how beautiful the world is. I am genuinely happy for the most part. Fear is my adversary.

Politically, I am neither a Democrat or Republican, because I see problems with both parties. I am sooooo sick and tired of Conservatism being hateful though. It is hate in the guise of Conservatism and Fascism in the guise of morality. Anyone else applying the same tactics would be considered a terrorist.

I do not call others to a standard of my morality. I personally would never have an abortion, but I realize I am not the judge of others. I have remained celibate since my divorce in 2001. I really don't want sex outside of marriage, but I am certainly not going to stand out in the street with a sign condemning those that do. I am a Christian and a Catholic, but I do know that not everyone shares my faith. America is NOT A CHRISTIAN COUNTRY! We have freedom of religion; meaning you can worship or not worship whatever deity you see fit. I don't want the government and church connected and neither should you. Absolute power corrupts absolutely and all.

Just some random thoughts. Everyone thinks they know what I think, so I thought I'd let everyone know; I'm not that simple (stupid)

BFF

In looking back at my life, I realize I've had very few real friends. I have only experienced 2 or 3 friends that were actually true.
I have had a lot of people that hung around for what they could get out of the friendship. Usually either because I was acquainted with someone they wanted to know or involved in something I was into, like music.
I look at friendship as having similar interests and really being a caring person. There seem to be all too few people like that. I have many "friends", but I can only think of 2 that I would call if I were in dire need of talking, and even then, I'm not certain they would be available.
I'm not certain what the problem is. I try to reach out to others and be a good friend, but it seems to be a waste of time. They never call me, invite me to meet up for coffee or dinner, or even send me an e-mail.
It seems to be nearly impossible to make friends now that I'm past 40.
*sigh*

Rising From The Ashes

I have been in an ongoing quest to rid myself from anxiety. Part of this process is identifying the sources of anxiety. This has been painful, insightful, cleansing and makes me feel even more anxious.
I can work through my insecurities from my weight and my looks. I can actually deal with that. Being fat can change and I'm not hideous.
My biggest source of anxiety is my inability to find employment. I have unemployment through the summer, as long as all of the expected extensions go through the Senate. Then, however, I am on my own. If I can't get a job to make at least $400 a month, I will be evicted, my son will be forced to live with his dad,and I will have to move in with my parents up north, where I can finish my education, but my possibilities of employment will be even less. I try to remain hopeful, but this is the source of my major anxiety, insomnia and digestive problems. Plain and simple; STRESS. This stress and feeling of being a complete loser keeps me from wanting to be near other people. I am very fragile and fearful. I actively avoid people because I need to believe in myself, trust in God and I have a history of letting other's define me. I am going to keep working on me and part of that is surrounding myself with kind and caring people Also being strong enough to not allow others to make me feel bad about myself. I am doing my part in looking for employment and I am trusting in God, but I know God isn't a Genie to grant wishes, and even those with Faith can lose everything.

Antisocial

Since high school, I have always felt like an outsider. I like different things than most people, I don't indulge in "fake" behaviors. I am what I am. I say what I feel and I mean what I say.
Lately I have been avoiding people even more than normal and it has me worried. I have been suffering with anxiety for a few years now. I think to some extent, I've always had it. I really would rather stay home than go out most of the time. I miss human interaction so I do go out, but groups of people really put me off.
I know a lot of it is insecurity. I wasn't the "cute" girl in HS. I only had one boyfriend in HS and he was gay (literally). I never fit in and I marched to my own tune even then.
What I am trying to sort out is whether I am doing something to make others dislike me, or whether I am just too "sensitive". Part of me really wants to know, but the other part of me wants to shut the door and be alone.

Defective

After a great deal of thought, a little research, and several confrontations initiated by hateful conservatives, I have decided that this "new" conservatism is nothing but old fashioned social Darwinism. Survival of the fittest.
So, if you're gay, old,fat, disabled, sick, mentally challenged, or in any way less than perfect- you need to just go away and die already. It's the right thing to do.(sarcasm) They stop short of concentration camps, but who knows- I can envision Rush as Karl Fritzsch.
See what you think. Here are some links:


http://www.scrapbookpages.com/AuschwitzScrapbook/History/Articles/Birkenau01.html

http://www.trueorigin.org/holocaust.asp

http://newsbusters.org/blogs/warner-todd-huston/2008/05/07/new-study-conservatives-are-happier-because-they-hate-everyone

There but for the grace of God go I.......

I am very determined to get employment by April. I will be applying for jobs daily instead of weekly and trying to get out and apply in my immediate area. I have classes Mon and Wed mornings and Tue and Thur afternoons. I will also be sticking to a regimen of writing so that I can finish my book.
All of the hate filled tea-baggers will be thrilled to note that I no longer get Medicaid and I get $50 a month in food stamps. I will be buying 90% of my food from www.angelfoodministries.com ,and I thank God that they are around. I have worked since my ex left the family and I want to do so again. I am used to being poor and that doesn't frighten me, but homelessness does. I will be homeless if I cannot find at least part-time employment. It's easy for many to be flippant about poverty, but try living that way for a while. I drive a 15 year old car, I have no credit cards, I rent month to month,and can rarely afford to buy clothes and fear is a daily opponent.
I am strong willed, determined to succeed and hard working. I am faithful to God and kind to others, but guess what? That doesn't mean I can't be homeless, hungry or sick. Frighteningly, you can't be that certain either. I guess that's why you like to attack me?

Thanks for kicking me while I'm down

I have taken crap for some time now because I've needed to get my income from unemployment and DHS ( food stamps, medicaid) and it makes me wonder what causes this sort of aggression?
One viewpoint is that people are fearful to succumbing to your fate so they pretend it could never happen to them. They tend to also subscribe to the "click your heels" mentality that states " stay positive and positive things will happen for you". Sounds great in a fairy tale world, but doesn't work so well in this one. I do believe in trying to stay positive, but just like being of a certain religious persuasion doesn't save you from disaster, just feeling positive won't either, sorry.
The other, nastier viewpoint is that I am somehow a loser, and un- American to have lost my job and applied for welfare.These are the same folks that like to go to "tea-bag" parties and bitch about all of the lowlifes, like me, that are trying to ruin their ability to make money and not pay taxes.I guess I shouldn't
have lost my job- well, I'd rather have a job but the company I work for likes to get rid of employees that can take advantage of vestment in the company, so they fired me one week before I could. I only made 20K a year with them,full time.
I paid into welfare for the 9 years I worked full time after my divorce. I went to college to get a better job, but when the economy went to hell, so did my job prospects. I go to college full time now and hope to get a full time job and pay taxes again, because I'm not one of the elite that gets away with not paying them.
I try not to get frustrated but I am fed up with blowhard conservatives flinging their shit on me and wide eyed optimists insisting that if I envision success, I'll be successful. Bullshit..... If I work really hard and think positively, I'll be successful. The difference is, when I get my job, I won't be a friggin jerk to those that are still struggling.

Sick of being sick

First week back to classes after Christmas and I caught the flu. It started with a sore throat, progressed on to a runny nose, headache, cough and fever. This time I was very careful about taking natural meds and tried Mucinex. I have to say that Wellness Formula from Source Naturals is what helped me to get better faster. Since I'm asthmatic, I usually get a secondary infection,most often bronchitis or pneumonia. My glands were swollen and I took 2 WF, 3X a day. My glands went down and I am pretty much better after 4 days. I also took EmergenC 2X a day and drank a lot of liquids, ate chicken soup and the usual home remedies.
Now I need to find a way to boost my immune system so that I don't catch something so often. I had the flu in the Spring and Fall last year and in the Fall it was the
H1N1. I seem to get sick a lot and I worry that my career aspirations as a nurse may be derailed by this repeated illness.