Hesitate

While on my Spring Break from college, I have spent a lot of time on my computer. For the first time I have high speed internet. I haven't had any internet access for 2 years. I am intrigued by pictures of abandoned building especially those with architectural interest.Things were built better in the "olden days" than they are now. I cannot see myself in a new house. I like the marble, hardwood, leaded glass and stone used in older homes.
One of the most haunting things are the interior scenes that look as though the family just took off and left everything there. I have noticed a lot of those in Russia.
It haunts me for another reason as well. I lost my home to foreclosure and I have seen many such homes around me, yes, even in Grosse Pointe. Packing everything I own in a matter of two days was scary. I had lived in my house for nearly 10 years. It was the first house I had ever owned. After my divorce and subsequent poverty, the house fell into disrepair. The roof was bad which led to a leak, which led to black mold. I was horribly sick,and my kids were getting there. I had to move. I could no longer afford the house when gas went sky high and I was travelling 26 miles one way to work to make the pittance of $20,000 a year.
I see homes that are empty and I feel compelled to look inside. Are the ghosts of the families carrying on inside? What did they leave there? There are mansions from 100 years ago that must have housed very grand and important families, that are the homes of rats and mice. Under the filth you can still see the bones of something marvelous. I gaze upon Detroit and reflect on the former opulence and grandeur of The Paris of the Midwest, and it haunts me. Were those families displaced like me through no fault of their own?
The real tragedy? These homes could be used for the homeless of the city, but instead are stripped of their metals, woodwork and glory and reduced to crack houses.
I am 2 streets away and one town removed and all of the houses on my street are from the 20's and 30's. They are strong,beautiful homes with wood floors, original glass, stone porches and lovely wood throughout.They were cared for and not exploited for a drug habit.
My own former home was auctioned off after sitting empty for nearly 2 years. It has been gutted and re-done and awaits renters. I think someone bought it for $3000.
I wonder what the people emptying the house thought of all of the discarded toys and clothes my kids and I left there? I wonder if the measurement lines on the kitchen wall of my kids growth for 10 years gave anyone pause?
I thank God everyday for this new home. I rent, but it feels more like a home than the other one ever did. I pray everyday that God will allow me to find enough work to stay here.

Dream Weaver

I have always been a fan of dream interpretation. My dreams correspond to the situations I find myself in during my waking hours.
A friend will mention that it's too bad my ex and I couldn't work things out and I dream of a undesired reconciliation. I will see a baby, think back to the days when I had a baby and I will dream that my 16 year old or 18 year old is an infant.
Lately I have been having dreams where I am living in a mansion with multiple rooms and secret passages. In the dream I am always trying to show someone, a friend or relative, a hidden room in the basement, but I can never find it. Along the way in this dream, I am finding all sorts of hidden treasures in the house like antiques, sheet music, journals, books, ect. The dreams are never very scary but they are like a mystery I am trying to solve.
I have interpreted this dream to mean that I am searching through my past and trying to make sense of it, and that I am looking for the room signifies what the future has for me.The fact that I can't seem to find it indicates that I'm still not entirely where God wants me.

I have been very sick since October. I got mono and now it seems I am having chronic symptoms of it, referred to as Epstein Barr. The virus kind of hangs out in the lymph nodes and resurfaces when I am stressed or catch another cootie. I am fighting it with herbal therapy, specifically The Wellness Formula by Source Naturals; excellent stuff- high potency herbs and vitamins for the immune system.

After being so sick I am reenergizing myself to take on the next quarter in college and looking for a new job in earnest as my unemployment is due to end at the end of August. I am trying to be super positive about my abilities and putting my trust in God that He has plans for my future that don't include being homeless and on the streets.