WWBD?

The Buddha said of death:

Life is a journey.
Death is a return to earth.
The universe is like an inn.
The passing years are like dust.

Regard this phantom world
As a star at dawn, a bubble in a stream,
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud,
A flickering lamp - a phantom - and a dream.


The Bible Says:

4 "Show me, O LORD, my life's end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting is my life.


So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.


Because I've never really studied Buddhism, I thought I'd do a mini comparative.
Buddhism believes we return to this Earth until we reach enlightenment.Christianity says we have one life, and we need to find wholeness from God rather than self.
I guess I believe somewhere in between. I don't like the idea of returning here. I do like the idea of learning as much as I can about life while I am here. But I don't buy into the complete restrictive nature that Christianity has become. No drinking, no smoking, no sex,no worldly music. So how do you experience life? I lived the whole Ultra Right Wing Christian wifey thing. It was ridiculous. I felt I needed to be protected from the World, because it sought to hurt me.I have become "Buddhist" in my perspective that whether or not I get hurt depends on my reaction to things. My divorce, while painful and leaving me in poverty, for example,is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and has actually helped my children as well.They'll now have the opportunity to develop into "whole" beings, unrestricted by archaic conservatism.
The more I compare these two religions, the more similarities I find. There are enough Doctrinal differences to keep me from considering myself a Buddhist, but I'll take the wisdom of others and consider its value.

Whatever Tomorrow Brings

Drive by Incubus


Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It's driven me before, it seems to be the way
That everyone else get around
Lately, I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there

When this song first came out I thought it another one of the "new" bands,and their name evoked more of a heavy metal sort of thing.One day driving to work
( coincidental considering the name of the song), I really listened to the lyrics and thought "this is an incredible song!".
FEAR
I have spent most of my life playing it safe and unwilling to risk anything. It kept me from pursuing my musical career, it kept me from leaving a horrible marriage, and
it has kept me lonely and celibate for 6 years.
Attending the funeral for Cassie yesterday reiterated the theme in my mind of being less afraid. Life is very short. And I'm probably on the downside of the rest of my life. More than half way through, and I've wasted so much time on fear. Afraid to go for what makes me happy, fear of being rejected by men, fear of being too dumb to make it through Medical School. I always aim low, take few risks and feel empty.
It is time for a change.I have been evolving for the last 2 years; much more than ever before. I'm planning on stepping it up a notch. Go big huh?
I will finish college at Macomb, I will continue my education until I have a Bachelors Degree. I will date again and will be fearless enough to allow myself to let someone to see my vulnerability.
Oh,and I will sing again. Yes indeed,I will.

Loss

Like most folks, I spend my day oblivious to "real life" going on all around me.
I have my own stuff to do; dishes, laundry, shopping, blogging. Then something happens that snaps you back to the reality that life is short, live it to the fullest.
I learned that my friend Paul's 21 year old sister Cassie died in her sleep Friday night. She had complained of a headache, she vomited and was dizzy. The hairs on my neck stood up.I had those same symptoms in 1994 at the age of 29. I had been the victim of a carotid aneurysm. Most likely, she had a cerebral aneurysm, but the autopsy won't be complete until Monday.
My emotions are very heavy now because I love my friends and grieve for their loss.
Also, I am drawn back to my own painful experience,realizing that but for the Grace of God, I could have died also. I would have left a 16 month old baby and a 4 year old behind as well as a husband. That still hurts today. How close I came to biting the big one, and the loooonnnnggggg road back to wholeness.
Also,as a Christian, I wonder why is someone so young called back to God? I know she was a special, very loved person. I believe we all have a purpose in this life. Some of us chose to follow the purpose,other resist it their whole lives and as a result,are horribly unhappy. She was an amazingly unaffected, positive person in this world of cynicism. She had recently gone to England to visit her sister and other relatives over Thanksgiving. Perhaps the wonderful loving nature of this individual was her purpose in her short life. I don't claim to have any answers.
All I can say is pray for the Spence family.


UPDATE: Cassie died from a rare cyst on her brain.The coroner assured the family she felt nothing and just fell asleep. Rest in Peace Cassie.

People Suck

Maybe it’s a sign of getting old, but people are so rude these days, that it’s all I can do to not go off on them.
Perhaps because I work in suburbia, land of the smug, that I meet so many idiots. Perhaps because the media has made being a jerk cool and a bitch trendy, that the folks I see on a daily basis make me want to climb a tower with an assault rifle.
Today, a couple let their child hang from the outside edge of the escalator by his arms. They claim they didn’t notice. He fell from near the top, hit his face and head in the plants below. Fortunately he was okay and just needed an ice pack. Gotta ask myself, why are the parents so uninvolved with their offspring, that they don’t notice this?
I noticed they were older parents. In my observations, folks that have their kids in their 40’s usually have brats. They’re at the point where they’re either too tired to discipline or they’re so wrapped up in themselves, that kids tend to be an accessory like a BMW or a Prada purse.( Stepping on toes on that one I’m sure, but hey! It’s my blog! Write your own)
I have folks that go by my store and mock the name, make comments relative to my weight and the selling of diet products... One man was shocked when I said “ they hired me because I’m polite, not thin, so I guess they’d never hire you” His girlfriend then punched him in the arm and called him an asshole, most appropriately I might add.
I have a brother that is a professional art framer in Grosse Pointe. We have come to the conclusion that those folks are rich because they still have the first dollar they ever made. Cheap is an understatement. They might be framing an original Warhol, but their first question is “how cheap can we do this and can I have it done in 24 hours” So what do they not understand in the meaning “custom framing”? It won’t be cheap and you are not my only customer. “But I’m rich, I want it now!”- Give me a break!
Just because I work in a store does not mean I am retarded. I may have made poor life or educational choices, but I’m not an idiot. I am nice to you because I am paid to be, and because I really do like helping people. I’ll help you even if you’re an asshole.
People Suck is my favorite motto these days and they never fail to reinforce that feeling.

Tears

We are at 6.9% unemployment in Michigan right now.
The City of Detroit is probably much worse than that, but the statistics don't say. Detroiters I talk to claim it's more like 10%.
Even in Suburbia, where I work, I have people begging for change to ride the bus home at night. They took the bus to the mall to stay warm for the day, and are begging for change to get back to the shelter or worse, an abandoned building somewhere. I am a sucker I guess, because I usually give someone change.
The worst scenario was a teenage girl with 2 babies that had a lovely couple offer to hold the shrieking 2 year old, so she could feed the infant. She looked about 17. The same couple then drove her and her babies to God knows where, because she had to leave. We were closing.She was there alone. Someone dropped her off.
We had a homeless man in our neighborhood, we called Chicken Man, because of his rooster-like strut. We've fed him and given him blankets. We never see him anymore. I prefer to think he's somewhere being cared for, but the reality is that he froze to death or just died for some other reason.
There is a young man that walks door-to-door in the summer, offering to mow lawns for $5 just to get something to eat. We mow our grass, but I offer him a sandwich and cold drink.
I HATE what this state has become. I rarely allow myself the luxury of crying, but I have cried over this. Part of the tears, I confess, is a fear of becoming the very people I grieve for. I am one check away from this, I know all too well.

UPDATE: New statistics on Michigan are unemployment at 7.1%, the highest in the nation,and we have lost over 30,000 jobs in the last 3 years. Last person leaving,please turn off the lights.

Object Orange

For those of you that live in your happy little suburbanite villas, overlooking some quaint pond,if may come as a shock to you to discover that some of us live in Urban Blight. We can't just sell and move up. I don't actually live in Detroit, but I am less than 1/2 mile away, so what happens there directly effects my life. My neighborhood is a working class, kinda sliding down sort of affair. Grosse Pointe schools are the only upside. I have one of a very few homes on my street that has 3 bedrooms. Most are 2 bedroom pre- WW2 tiny little houses.
I have watched my beloved Detroit through the years go from a hip urban city, to Murder City, to the pitiful crap heap it has become now. There are pockets of beauty. The art center is lovely. Indian Village, so named for the Indian names of the streets, continues to be an upscale showcase.
Nearly all of the Detroit cops I know have left the city. They tell me that hardly any decent folk are there, and if they are, it's only because they can't afford to leave. Murder is on the rise. Drug abuse is massive. Joblessness is at least 12% and possibly more.
A group of Detroit area artists have endeavored to make the city aware, painfully, that this blight of abandoned crack house dwellings has got to go. They are painting such places a color called "Tiggeriffic Orange", to bring attention to this. It is the City's responsibilty to tear down these buildings. They are in deficit as the city has been ill managed for as long as I can remember, hearkening back to the days of Coleman Young and remains a cash cow of cronyism. There is a link to The Detroit Free Press on my site. I heard an interview on NPR this morning about it. So check that out too.
So sad because the city really has some wonderful things going for it. The Detroit Institute of Arts, The Historical Museum, The Science Center, galleries, restaurants,and clubs. I hate to see Detroit slammed, but the city government needs to answer for most of this. They're in my opinion, and many others, corrupt as hell.

Making A Mark On The World

When my friend Evan G. visited from NY over the holidays, he made a statement to me that has stuck with me and had actually inspired a couple of the blogs I recently posted.
The statement was that " I had made a mark on the world" because I am the parent to 2 wonderful kids. It took me aback. I did take my parenting job very seriously. I do however feel in devoting as much time to them as I have, I have stunted myself as a person. I had envisioned a life for myself filled with travel, adventures and acclaim for my vocal abilities.
I am instead as well travelled as one can be having only gone to Ohio, Illinois, Ontario and Wisconsin, a state portrayed as worse than going to hell in Dogma. ( I don't really agree, I liked it) I've never seen the ocean. I've only flown in a 4 seater Cessna, for a total of 1/2 hour, never on an airliner.
I never sing anymore. My daughter is the vocalist now. My son too.
I have had 2 men in my life EVER. Kinda sad about that one too. One was gay, the other was my ex. Neither was right for me, obviously, or particularly empowering to me as a person.
I have a certification as a medical assistant, but I still don't even have my associates degree. I will be re-entering college in the fall. It is a daunting task when raising teenagers and having to work full time.(I will be in a pre-med program. )(Scary!)
I know I probably have a bit more time before I bite the big one, but I'm on the downside of the rest of my life now. I try not to be sad about it.
I have some new friends that are a blast. But I am older than them by 8 years and more. I feel like a teenager again because I stopped being a "person" at 19 and feel as though I'm picking up where I left off.
Yeah, I've had kids which many of my childless friends admire, but the grass isn't necessarily greener, I assure you. At what cost I keep asking myself. I have a lot of living to do in the next 20-30 years. I don't want my obituary to read- Mother of 2- The End

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Punk Rock Mom

A busy morning getting back in to the groove of regular malls hours, found me driving Abi to school, rushing home to say goodbye to Evan as he skateboarded his way to school. As I finished my hair and makeup, I listened to my Specials CD and took a little trip to yesteryear.
I felt as thought I was a really "cool" chick in my post high school days. The year was 1983 and I was still kind of a punk; bright, opinionated, "happening". I was at OU taking classes in Classical Music Performance, and attending classes at OCC to get those grades to prove to OU I could be something other than a non- matriculating student. ( I couldn't take academics, only music because the high school grades weren't so hot).
I had a straight 4.0 in all of my classes.
I was about to throw it all away for " the love of my life". And did.
I envisioned a marriage where I would be an individual, and pursue my art. 'Twas not to be however.
In a desire to be adult, I traded it in for a wedding dress in 1986 and eventually a family. I thought my kids would be individuals just like me. I home schooled them for this reason for several years. I always looked at public school education as a warehousing of minds. Several of my teacher friends have confirmed this. There is one way to teach and if your kid isn't that type of learner well tough crap for them.
I looked at education as an adventure and wished my kids would develop the same love for learning I did while in college.
My daughter and I took books out at the library and studied Egyptology. She made up her own hieroglyphics, and read how they made mummies. ( She was 5)
Evan learned about vacuums by putting a jar over a candle and watching it go out,
( he was 4) and discovered how a vacuum was an absence of oxygen. We were part of a home school group that met bi-weekly to give supplemental classes at Grace church in Detroit. I taught basic piano and music theory. It was all voluntary.
When taking them to the Detroit Institute of Arts, many onlookers were astonished to hear Abi stand up in the double stroller and proclaim " Ooo, look Mommy; Van Gogh, post impressionism!" I could teach with a perspective of Christianity also, that while not for everyone, was for me. I also didn't feel like leaving my kids Christianity to the church entirely either. My brother is gay. My church said it was a sin. I said my church could kiss my butt!
My ex husband thought I was making the kids "weird", so we went back and forth about home schooling. When it was clear that he intended on divorcing me, the kids were sent to public school. Abi was happy, she likes having friends around. Evan, more the pragmatist, said " home school was better" because school was often over at 1:00 or 2:00 leaving more time for the drums.
So suffice to say, I was a rebel. I intended to guide my kids through life by molding their minds to be accepting of others and to pursue their interests. It must have worked, They're both musical, they take photos and dress like little punks. Abi is part of the Diversity Club at school, they love and accept their gay "uncles", and they hang out with me in Ferndale and my tatooed, cussing, smoking, drinking, LOVING "family"
The "Me" I envisioned so long ago is alive and well, living in the 80's perhaps, but looking at the kids I have, I try not to break my arm, patting myself on the back.
( the picture isn't me by the way, but I wish it was!)