Outside Myself

I can unabashedly say that I am a great singer. It's the only thing I have a God- given talent for really. A major element in singing is putting forth a piece of yourself in the song- that's the part that makes you shudder when you hear it- the bearing of the soul. I am very good at this.
In daily life, I suck at it. I invariably bear my soul to those that stamp upon it. I trust the wrong person every time. The pain of CONSTANT rejection has taught me to trust no one. When I do , I ALWAYS get screwed. Those smarter than me say I have to "put myself out there" "be confident", but that doesn't work for me. I am an awkward person when it comes to connections of the heart. And I seem to attract only the worst person for me.
The song I'd pick for my theme song is "Outside Myself" by k.d. Lang
Here is a link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQYppJnbllk

Autophobia

Life has consistently taught me one thing- I'm better off keeping people at arms length. The writer in me craves interaction; the injured being that I am requires me to distance myself. The profoundly deep feeling that " I'm just not good enough" that was reinforced throughout my marriage.
I wish it weren't that way. My friends have the ability to have intimacy, while I find it to be a painful, degrading episode. The very moment I begin to feel as though I can be like other people, I get smacked down by the reality that I am not acceptable. If my outlook is one of protective loathing of human contact, at least I can avoid the pain of rejection.

Once again- The Holidays * sigh*

Get Me Through December
Lyrics: Gordie Sampson & Fred Lavery
Based on the melody 'Neil Gow's Lament For The Death of His Second Wife'

How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain
As the changing of seasons prepares me again
For the long bitter nights and the wild Winter day
My heart has grown cold my love stored away
My heart has grown cold my love stored away

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
But faith can move mountains of that I am sure
Faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Just get me through December
So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin
And peace is a gift that must come from within
I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Just get me through December
So I can start again

Friend or Foe?

FRIEND
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement:
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.
tr.v. friend·ed, friend·ing, friends
1. To add (someone) as a friend on a social networking website.
2. Archaic To befriend.


I have given a lot of thought to friendship lately. I find that while I have many acquaintances, I have only a handful of friends. For me a friend doesn't even need to be someone I spend a lot of time with. One such person lives in NYC, and I have seen him once in the last 25 years, but we are kindred spirits, as thus, I consider him a friend.
I am one of those folks on Facebook. I really like it. I can keep in touch with several friends and family members. The dark side however is that is has made my life accessible by people that I would not ordinarily deign to bother with. Two-faced, mean, rude and negative people have invaded my sanctuary. I tend to observe them for a while like some sort of specimen, and then when I can stand it no more, I hide, block or delete them. If it were only that simple in real life.