Church Ladies

Sunday morning was bright and sunny and the high heat and humidity that had plagued us through the previous week had abated. Today I was going to get out of this house and go to church. I haven't attended regularly in over a year after having become disenfranchised with the whole organized religion thing.
The couch with it's sunny windows and cool lake breeze beckoned but i was not to be deterred. I need to get back to my writing, specifically my book, but being held hostage in the mall and house was giving me very little of interest.
I walked down my street toward Kercheval having decided I was not up to the Catholic church. Too many things I don't know about that sect of religion to attempt it in my presently distracted state. I stopped at the corner of St Paul to wait for a carload of elderly ladies to turn. They smiled at me. I smiled and mouthed "good morning". They sped along their way.
I arrived at the church 5 minutes before service began. I saw the red car that had passed me, parked in the front of the church. I was greeted by a dear little lady who bid me to come in and that I had arrived on a very special day. I entered the social room to find 10 ladies. One aged in her 50's or 60's the rest 70 or older.
I was introduced to the pastor, a woman who just turned 70 and a recent graduate of seminary. It was the 50th anniversary of their Synod and there was cake to enjoy after service.
This was the entire congregation!All women, all elderly but myself and one other lady. Church was traditional including hymns and an organ. The pastor used references to news stories to illustrate her sermon which was topical and interesting.
Afterward we had cake and coffee. We chatted about the area and they asked about my kids. They hoped I would return and one lady said " If you're looking for a fella, you'll have to bring your own". All of these ladies are widows.
My kids will never go.
I'm definitely returning.

Fun with Poverty

Lest you should think I've overdosed on my Xanex, let me explain.
I have satellite TV, but my anxiety causes me to become antsy if I sit too long.
My land line phone is off for non-payment, so I can't use my computer. ( yes I still have dial up). I spend my time walking and hanging out in the library.
Soon I will reduce my satellite to very basic to save money, I reduced the plan on my cell phone today, I eat sparingly, lots of protein shakes, which will help my weight loss and is quite cost effective.
Having no money for gas to drive anywhere has caused me to rely on finding fun nearby. I judge my purchases on whether I can walk there. My attendance at church this Sunday will be decided whether to walk 7 doors down to the catholic church,
( I am not catholic) or 1 block to the non-denominational church.
I did drive to the grocery store today, payed my cell phone bill,and visited my brother at work,all of which started me well on my way to a panic attack.
God has no subtlety. He has pulled me way back. I HAVE TO de-stress.
I think I'll enjoy this new Urban way of life. My kids have been a no show for 2 weeks now. They're not adjusting very well I'm afraid. The ex and I will have to have one of our "conversations" Thank God for Xanex.

High Anxiety

In my lifetime I have sung in front of hundreds of people at a time, I have been on a live television show, I have been taped singing for another tv show. Fear has never been an issue in those performance arenas. I have typically been fearless in most areas of my life until recently.
I was married young (21) and I went from my Mom and Dad to my husband. I have never lived on my own as an adult until my divorce. At the time of my divorce, I relied heavily on my church for support and they were there. Several years later and they weren't willing to do much because I had become a burden (?). Nothing was ever said, but the response was very cold. I left my church and no one seemed to be too disturbed by that. I couldn't pay all of my bills, I received less than my required child support then, and I ended up losing my home to foreclosure. All of this is unnerving to say the least. I managed to find the home of my dreams and I have moved in. Another glitch- The State has changed the way it pays out child support. My exes pay periods are opposite of theirs. So this month I had to wait 3 weeks to get a check. Keep in mind that it is nearly a third of my income. My home phone and cell are shut off. I will be late with the rent. Panic!
I have discovered that the little imps of destruction I wrote about recently have led me to panic attacks. They are nasty little buggers.
I can't think. I throw up. I sweat and shake. I can't function or leave the house.
I do remember feeling like this before, but I would press through or some sort of "miracle" would occur so that I could take care of business.
I guess God is "growing me up" and perhaps even pushing me to go beyond my comfort zone. God is a Father after all. What father doesn't want their baby to grow up and fly solo?
A visit to the doctor today has less of a spiritual viewpoint.
I am depressed, with good reason, my doctor adds. His directive?
Zoloft and Xanax.Counseling ( gasp, another expense) Lets see how you do. Maybe the Zoloft is short term until the crisis passes. My anxiety ridden viewpoint can't see past this week. So, although I'm not a subscriber to "better living through Chemistry" (sorry Evan),I'll take my meds. I even try to find counseling. I am not sad.
Just scared shitless.

One Helluva Town

I have been so busy just putting stuff away and working that today is the first opportunity I've had to explore. Hopefully I'll get to do more tomorrow and next Sunday. Maybe I'll even have some cash to try out the wares.
Grosse Pointe Park is quite cool!

Oh My GOD!

Pure terror has me up at 11:30 Saturday evening drinking a glass of Cabernet.
I realized this evening, that the first "date" I've gone on since 1984 is a week away. I'm not very good at being "girly". I act much more like one of the guys.
Okay, it's not a romantic date. I asked him out to the wedding because of all of my friends, not currently in the wedding already, he is the one I would enjoy conversation with the most. He's very intelligent. He's sarcastic and obnoxious, traits I highly favor. He's 9 years younger so I kind of feel old. I don't expect to be swept off my feet or anything. But to be treated like a woman? What's that?
17 years with someone that initially made me feel attractive and loved and left me feeling too ugly to be seen in public has me feeling insecure. I am over most of it except for feeling that I am unworthy of attention. I usually feel as though I should apologise for bothering anyone or "making" them listen to me. I still feel no one could ever desire or love me because I am just too horrible.
I know what I am. I am a 42 year old woman with physical imperfections. I am overweight, and stuff on me sags. I have lost 30 pounds and I am still striving to lose more. I think I am a pretty nifty person, but my life experiences have caused me to question even that. Maybe the combination of being fat, opinionated, smart and sarcastic is just a bad mix.
I am always hopeful that someday, I'll get over this insecurity. I'll meet someone that likes me the way I am, imperfections and all.
Will I be the Ugly Step Sister at the ball, or Cinderella? Or neither?
Until then, I'll drink another glass of wine.