Pure terror has me up at 11:30 Saturday evening drinking a glass of Cabernet.
I realized this evening, that the first "date" I've gone on since 1984 is a week away. I'm not very good at being "girly". I act much more like one of the guys.
Okay, it's not a romantic date. I asked him out to the wedding because of all of my friends, not currently in the wedding already, he is the one I would enjoy conversation with the most. He's very intelligent. He's sarcastic and obnoxious, traits I highly favor. He's 9 years younger so I kind of feel old. I don't expect to be swept off my feet or anything. But to be treated like a woman? What's that?
17 years with someone that initially made me feel attractive and loved and left me feeling too ugly to be seen in public has me feeling insecure. I am over most of it except for feeling that I am unworthy of attention. I usually feel as though I should apologise for bothering anyone or "making" them listen to me. I still feel no one could ever desire or love me because I am just too horrible.
I know what I am. I am a 42 year old woman with physical imperfections. I am overweight, and stuff on me sags. I have lost 30 pounds and I am still striving to lose more. I think I am a pretty nifty person, but my life experiences have caused me to question even that. Maybe the combination of being fat, opinionated, smart and sarcastic is just a bad mix.
I am always hopeful that someday, I'll get over this insecurity. I'll meet someone that likes me the way I am, imperfections and all.
Will I be the Ugly Step Sister at the ball, or Cinderella? Or neither?
Until then, I'll drink another glass of wine.
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