I realize, after much self examination I have some major issues to resolve.
I tend to live in the past in an attempt to figure out what things I’ve screwed up and how it could all be different if better choices had been made. I have found it difficult to even look back at my time as a homemaker and full time mommy. I was a wonderful time for me. I finally felt I had done something exceptional; I was raising two great kids to be interested in learning, kind to others, and steeped in arts music and literature. I taught my children at home in an attempt to ensure a life-long love of learning.
I knew from personal experience that public schools often destroy this passion in children by the warehousing of students; one way to teach, hence one way to learn. What if you’re the square peg? I had capabilities that were known to my high school English teachers and one particular middle school teacher. I read and had the vocabulary of a college level student in 5th grade. By high school, no one ever mentioned my level of achievement again. I had some emotional problems due to family issues and admittedly, I was a bit of a problematic teen. Back in 1979, the school authorities knew I had been sexually abused at 13 and I was told to never discuss it. No counseling was offered and I was written off as another “loser”; a bad seed from a bad family. The scar their uncaring attitude left on me was something I wasn’t willing to expose my children to. . I cannot allow myself to look back at my kids early years without regretting that I married their father, who ended up leaving me feeling worthless and thwarted my attempts to help my kids. He made me feel I was a failure in everything including teaching my kids.
He did have to eat his words after our divorce when teachers commented on the kid’s high vocabulary, reading ability and advanced musical skills. He had to admit it was my doing but he could only see me as damaged.
After I nearly died in 1994, my ex husband grew weary of my disabilities.
I have permanent damage to my brain from an aneurysm that led to a stroke in 1994, that I fear may keep me from ever doing anything significant in life. I have an excellent mind, but a weak body. The stroke makes me question my abilities pertaining to my efforts to become a nurse.
I have ephasia which means often I can’t remember words I need when speaking. I don’t have that problem when writing (it’s a different part of the brain). I have some numbness in my left hand which affects my typing, and some fine motor skills.
My immune system seems to be very low and I catch things very easily. I have limited energy now. I will give all to my job, but I have little left at the end of the day to be Super Mom, Super Wife or Super anything. According to my doctor, this may never change.
The past seems to creep into my future like a thief. I have a bright mind, but can I do anything about my inadequacies? I am trying to keep the small flicker of hope I have burning, but constant obstacles take their toll.
I hesitate to look to another person as inspiration because I know that I need to find the power from within to endure life’s trials. While the idea of a person cheer leading from the sidelines sounds great, I have no idea who would want that job. I have no control over the obstacles I face, but I know it’s my decision how I respond.
I have a lot of work to do on my self esteem. Operative word: SELF.
