What a wonderful world

I am not working or currently in school right now, so my brain is working overtime on deep thoughts. I was out walking the dog and my brain went to the place where I think about my perfect life, whatever that is. I have, unfortunately, bought into the fallacy that until everything is perfect, (i.e.: a degree, great job, my own home, money and time to spare),I cannot enjoy life. I live in a resort area. We have lakes, beaches, woods and lots of wildlife to enjoy. I disallow myself these pleasures because I am unemployed. My "stinking thinking" tells me I have no right to be happy or enjoy myself because I am not self supporting. I like to write and make jewelry but inside of me is the feeling that I am wasting my time because these are not big money-making ventures. I fill out applications and have been on interviews but I am in a holding pattern right now.I want to take care of myself, but I have to finish college in order to make enough money to pay for rent, food and transportation. I am doing now, what I should have done at 20. Being in college actually makes me a pariah in the job market because they 1) know I am bettering myself and thus I am not deeply devoted to my "career" in minimum wage, and 2) I require time off from 10-1 on Mondays and Wednesdays, and in this world of greed, expecting a time slot for my personal education is too much to ask of my part-time minimum wage employer. I must be available to them at any time and any day. So while the Earth spins, seasons change and the God designed beauty of my world is all about me, I have denied myself it's pleasures. I know where this horrible thought process comes from, but what to do about it? There are a lot of people in this world that are angered by a happy person I have found. How dare you be happy when you have NO RIGHT TO BE? I'm afraid I have no profound thoughts or solutions to this struggle. But I am going to choose to enjoy my time now. Even IF I don't deserve to.

I have been spending a lot of time lately decorating and designing my "imaginary" home. I am currently not in the position to buy a used car or even a full tank of gas, so it is just for fun. This seems to bother my Mom a great deal. She looks at me incredulously as I share my excitement over a painting I've found or my favorite bedroom decor. She doesn't get it at all. My entire adult life after the divorce was one of survival. There weren't choices for me really. I had the stroke at 29 and that limited my abilities for several years. The divorce left me feeling helpless and defeated. I have always heard other's estimation of my worthiness and took it to heart. "You're too old to keep going to college" " You're too fat to be a nurse, or to be taken seriously in the profession" "You should really lose the weight and then maybe you could get married again" "You're lazy, fat, and no good to anyone" I know what I am good at. I sing really well, I am a fairly good writer, I can cook well, and I am a great caregiver. I would make a good wife FOR THE RIGHT PERSON. I am not really looking for a husband. I can't even seem to find a male that I'd like as a friend. But I am good at things that seemingly have no material value. IF I can get published, I think I'd be a great writer. WHEN I finish college, I'll be a great nurse. IF I was skinny and adorable, I could have been a great singer. My past is something I tend to look at with deeply felt pain over what could have been. I should have finished college. I wish I had been in a better financial situation. I wish I hadn't married the person I did. I am fucking over other people's thought of who and what I am. Yes, I am FAT. SO???? It hasn't limited me. I can still do things I want to do. My health isn't that bad. I have had high blood pressure since before I was fat. I have low to normal blood sugar and cholesterol.I am smart, although passing college algebra has been trying for me. My kids both tell me I did a great job in raising them to be moral, kind and loving people. My son even told me I was the best Mom and Dad he had. Since this is a materialistic society, I guess I have very little to show for my years of hard work in crappy jobs. I don't have a house, my car is ancient and barely runs and I am still working on my degree at 48. All I have left is the future. That is why I decorate a house I don't even own and plan for things I may never have. Besides my kids, the future is all I have left.