I am not working or currently in school right now, so my brain is working overtime on deep thoughts. I was out walking the dog and my brain went to the place where I think about my perfect life, whatever that is. I have, unfortunately, bought into the fallacy that until everything is perfect, (i.e.: a degree, great job, my own home, money and time to spare),I cannot enjoy life. I live in a resort area. We have lakes, beaches, woods and lots of wildlife to enjoy. I disallow myself these pleasures because I am unemployed. My "stinking thinking" tells me I have no right to be happy or enjoy myself because I am not self supporting. I like to write and make jewelry but inside of me is the feeling that I am wasting my time because these are not big money-making ventures. I fill out applications and have been on interviews but I am in a holding pattern right now.I want to take care of myself, but I have to finish college in order to make enough money to pay for rent, food and transportation. I am doing now, what I should have done at 20. Being in college actually makes me a pariah in the job market because they 1) know I am bettering myself and thus I am not deeply devoted to my "career" in minimum wage, and 2) I require time off from 10-1 on Mondays and Wednesdays, and in this world of greed, expecting a time slot for my personal education is too much to ask of my part-time minimum wage employer. I must be available to them at any time and any day. So while the Earth spins, seasons change and the God designed beauty of my world is all about me, I have denied myself it's pleasures. I know where this horrible thought process comes from, but what to do about it? There are a lot of people in this world that are angered by a happy person I have found.
How dare you be happy when you have NO RIGHT TO BE? I'm afraid I have no profound thoughts or solutions to this struggle. But I am going to choose to enjoy my time now. Even
IF I don't deserve to.
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