Social Pariah

I am an opinionated person. Were I a male person, I'm sure I would get less grief than I do as a woman. I really don't like people that waffle and refuse to commit to an opinion. I see it as very untrustworthy.Opinions do differ. I am accepting of differences, but a wise teacher taught me that where my personal rights begin, yours end.
You don't like Christianity? Don't become one. I won't rub mine in your face, so please don't mock my beliefs.You say you don't like gay people getting married? Great, don't marry someone of the same gender. What makes you so important that you get to decide someone's life choices?
I like people for the most part. I feel as though I lack some sort of connect with most though. I just can't live in a downy cocoon and pretend everything is sunshine and lemon drops. I was a house- mouse for years, mostly out of fear. It's often very easy for some to live in their own little world, full of small tasks, never seeing suffering,loneliness, poverty.I see crap and I want to fix it. I want to help others, not retreat from ugliness.
I am not poverty stricken. I am poor.
There is a huge difference. I can exist on very little. I can give to my church, mostly by good deeds, not cash.But I am alone; utterly. Devoid of friends.
In making connections, I find it is hard to hang with two parent families, because I am always the 5th wheel. Other singles are relentlessly looking for Mr. Next and I am not even looking. I often find myself grieving for lack of companionship. Just a friend to do things with. It rarely works out. They either find a significant other or just seem not to click.
I am examining what it is like to be a happy go lucky, non-opinionated, person. They seem happy, but are they? They'll never tell you if they're miserable. They have the mask on, or perhaps they don't feel anything anymore.That's kind of creepy to me.
I recently read "Not Even Wrong" by Paul Collins about his journey with his son's autism and his historical research on the subject. His son couldn't form personal relationships with outsiders. It hit a nerve.I have that problem too. I never seem to know how to "make friends". People seem to like me. They tell me I'm fun or funny, but they never invite me over to dinner. They don't call and ask if I want to go to the movies. Other people do have friends, I've seen it. It's elusive to me. Maybe I'm socially retarded? All I know is that I dread holidays,and weekends.Now, more than ever.

BLOWHARD

I don't like hateful people. I also don't like people that live their lives in order to accumulate stuff and out-do the Jones'.
I look at the Dubya years and I'm reminded of the "greed is good" quote from Wall Street.
It's not good. It has allowed self-indulgent jerks to take advantage of an unregulated system and screw most working class folks to the point where they can't see the light of day. I live in a community that encompasses both the very rich and the working poor. We all get along. Not once have I been treated badly because I am unemployed or been followed in a store because I don't wear designer clothes.
As a student of psychology, I tend to look at those aggressive A type personalities as fearful. They're afraid we'll all discover their charade- they came from less than prosperous circumstances, and they don't want you to know. They look down their noses at the guys pouring cement, or the women serving them their power lunches.
I love dissecting their reactions and dropping hints at my insights. (That's me being mean), but more so, I just want them to stop being awful to others. Just because someone is doing manual labor, doesn't mean they're an idiot. Things happen- divorce, illness, maybe their family or school told them they were stupid, so they never tried.
Jerks want you to fight back. Surprise them by inquiring why they're so nasty towards the less fortunate. Liken it to kicking a baby. They hate that.. (snicker)
Because I'm smart and I speak well, they think I'm one of them. I NEVER will be. Thanks be to God!

Alone again- naturally

I am one of those people that tend to think all of the time. My brain is in college mode so it's always on the go. Algebra, anatomy and physiology require a lot of memorization and I have also found, a good excuse to ignore the parts of my life I don't like thinking about.
I don't have a personal life. I have very few friends that I see other than the ones I have on Facebook. I haven't dated since my divorce in 2001. I put it all on the back-burner in the quest to make a living. It was an overwhelming and daunting task, having been a stay-at-home mom and housewife for most of my adult life. I'm just not sure where to begin. I am involved in church, but in a Catholic church,there aren't a lot of singles. I am at least a decade older than the oldest person in my classes. Most 44 year old women aren't starting all over again in their career. Even just having friends to hang out with has proved to be difficult.Everyone is busy and in this economy, scrambling to find work, in college, or just trying not to lose their job.
I'm not sure what the solution will be. There are many times where I don't want a relationship because I feel it will get in the way of my goals. I look at others and envy their relationships. Maybe I just don't know how to do this? I'm not sure. I am not a shy person by any means. For a long time I felt I didn't deserve to have a relationship because I was too fat, divorced and somehow "tainted",or echoes of my ex made me feel I was a horrible person that no one would ever love. I don't buy into any of that anymore, but on a beautiful Sunday morning, I find myself longing for companionship. Just confirmation that I am a person worthy of spending time with.

Living?

Looking at my life over the last 2 years has made me realize how much I've grown.
Losing my job has been a blessing. I was working essentially for medical insurance since I barely made $300 a week with wages and commissions. I was paying $100 a month for the insurance anyway.
Now with my unemployment and child support, I make the same as my job was paying me. But......
I'm not working at the job I had come to despise. I loved my customers but I hated the whole corporate structure business model of " do what ever it takes to make a sale", even if it's not in the best interest of the customer.
My life is richer and fuller than it has been in years. I have time to enjoy things like the lake, my kids, my dog, and my friends. I work my butt off, but I also realize that "stuff" doesn't matter that much. I have stuff; my computer, Wii, MP3 player, but I have been without it too and that was okay. As long as I have a home, food and clothing, my essential needs are met. But, you cant be a college student today without a computer, printer, and internet, so I have these things.
I have also been in the situation where I couldn't be certain of having a home, food or clothing and it's very scary. I can live very well on $2000 a month. I could just survive with that. But that works out to $250 a week take home. That's around $7 an hour for 40 hours a week, minus taxes. $14 an hour part time. There aren't many jobs like that in Michigan. Even minimum wage. I'll also lose all of my food stamps because my income would be over $1970 a month.
I'm trying to live in "the now" and give tomorrow to God. I am praying that He'll see to it that I can find employment by the time my extensions have run out. My life is such a little thing in the grand scheme. I just want to survive.

"Them that's got shall get, them that's not shall lose"-

I am furious!
My son has been sick for 2 days. He has a high fever, sore throat and runny nose. I took him to Cornerstone Health on 12 mile in St. Clair Shores. They made a big show of putting a mask on him and flagging him as a possible H1N1 case and filled out a CDC form.
Like a lot of folks in Michigan, I am without work. I receive Medicaid benefits for my family. But, Cornerstone doesn't take Medicaid. They told me, "we'll try to bill it, but we don't take that insurance, so you'll need to sign this document that makes you responsible for the payment"
"How much is it?" I asked
"$150 + lab fees"
We left. I make $1040 a month in unemployment. I can't afford it.
My own doctor that doesn't take Medicaid, (he has seen Evan since he was 1), but he will see me for $50. What the hell?
So, I can go some dumb ass clinic that doesn't follow CDC protocol* for 3 times the price, or see my family doctor, who is wonderful for a third.
(*They made Evan wear a mask, but then left us in the waiting room with other people for an hour. If he had it, I would logically be exposed and so we should have been quarantined from the other patients.)
Ever wonder why people with Medicaid are sick more often than not? Maybe it's the poor quality of care. My Medicaid doctor and most doc's who take it, only see Medicaid patients 2 days a week. My doc is on vacation, so tough crap for me. And my son.
Medicaid is a joke. Just like 911 in the hood. When I had Blue Cross, they couldn't kiss my ass enough.