Good News

Finally some GOOD NEWS! I have gotten food stamps, assistance with utilities ( which kept me from being shut off) and an increase in child support. This means I will have enough money to pay my rent on time, pay for my utilities, and have enough money to buy my son shoes and clothing.
We haven't gone hungry, but I have been very creative in stretching the food to last. Food stamps will mean that I can buy fresh fruits and vegetables weekly and stay on an eating plan that will allow me to lose the weight necessary for my health. I can relax and bit and enjoy the holidays too.
The last of the anxiety lies in the stress of needing a job by the end of February, when my unemployment is exhausted. I am praying and accepting the many prayers of others on my behalf. I have never been desirous of wealth but rather just to be able to pay my bills and have a nice place to live and decent food to eat. My car is 15 years old and on it's last legs. I need it to last until God provides a way for me to buy another one. God is in charge but I am doing my part- I am actively seeking a job, going to college and getting A's and B's. The rest is in His hands.

Land of the free?

I spent my morning trying to get things done and ensure my kid and I won't starve or freeze to death. I am behind in my utilities and made payment arrangements to get caught up. Because of bureaucracy, I have to go most of December without any unemployment. I am eligible, but the State of Michigan and the Fed's can't get their acts together so I have to wait. Now I have had to default on my payment agreement. After spending an hour on the phone to DTE Energy, I found out that all I have to do is go to ADC and file paperwork to get in the emergency programs for utilities, and I'll get food stamps too. Gee whiz, I haven't gone to college for business, but it seems to me that everything to do with helping the poor is run so inefficiently, that I'm surprised that there aren't poor dead people lying in the streets. The friggin state knows that my only income is child support and unemployment right now, so aren't all of these programs streamlined for me? Why do I have to inform each friggin branch what the other is doing? I spend so much time sitting at welfare for 3-4 hours ( not kidding) and filling out hard copies of forms, instead of online, and making phone calls (only to find out that my case worker should already be doing this for me),instead of looking for a job or doing my homework to get a degree and a job, that I could SCREAM!!!!!!!
I am trying to stay positive but stupidity reigns, and it makes me crazy. I would much rather have a job but they're rather scarce right now.Why does this country penalize me for the state of the economy? The U.S. is so screwed up that it is tempting to leave- maybe to Canada- where they at least take care of their citizens.

Lean on Me

I started off this month feeling really depressed about college,money, the upcoming holidays. Yesterday, after a night of dreaming about my former life as a housewife and mom, I somehow came to the conclusion that I needed to make peace with my past.
I have had an attitude about sacrificing my young life as a wife and homemaker instead of finishing college. I recoiled from anything smacking of being the mom and wife I was before. I realized that it was because I felt as though the only way I could move on from that state of mind to a working single mom was to reject it entirely. God has chosen to keep some women in the home because their husbands aren't the sort to leave them. That wasn't the case for me. So I am trying another approach to my situation, which is to be thankful for the time I did have. I was a great mom and I was an excellent cook. Before the stroke, I was an excellent housekeeper too.The battle in my mind is to go on into what God has planned for me and not to have regret. I just don't always feel strong enough to fight through all of the adversity I face; poverty, lack of education and marketable skills, brain damage, obesity. Everything is against my getting through nursing school and being fit enough to work and make a living. I don't have the strength at times, so I guess I'll have to rely on God's strength.

My life as an outline

My stress level has skyrocketed in the last couple of months. I am in college full time, trying to find a part time job, but I think my brain injury has decided that it's going to give me grief again.
Immediately following my stroke in 1994, I was deemed well enough to skip cognitive therapy and basically left on my own. My doctor, not being the typical mindless follower, decided that was crap. He told me to start playing games like solitaire and role playing repetitive games on the computer. So my therapy was Kings Quest and Wolfenstein 3D. It worked and along the way I discovered something; if I write things down, my brain works the way it did before, organized and with logic.
I couldn't look at the house and just start doing the housework, I had to write it down, step-by-step, and follow my written instructions.
Now that I am stressed with constant poverty, college, perimenopause and teenagers, I have had to return to my former style. I was feeling really bad about having to revert to it, but now my perspective is at least I have a method to overcome it. I am also writing an essay about this for a scholarship- $1250 isn't much but hey, I'll take it!

Friends?

Once again my caustic nature has upset some folks. I would get really upset, except these are people I never see; Facebook People.
I realize that things are misunderstood in the written form, especially things like sarcasm. But I also find myself unable to care about superfluous relationships with people that I probably would never hang out with in "real" life.
I want to have relationships with real people, perhaps those I have something in common with. Lots of people on FB are real friends that I do things with and a large number of them are family members. They get me. Many don't. No love lost.

This week begins my a new endeavor to make actual friends. It's hard because I have a busy schedule starting next week, but I am sick of the FB BS.

Well excuuuuuuuuusssse ME!

The obvious differences between the Conservatives and The Rest of Us besides being political seems to lie in the extreme hate, negativity and bigotry that so called "conservatives" are engaging in. I consider myself to be an independent thinker. I have brought my children up to question authority of all kind whether it be the government, church, or school. Power always has an agenda, and it is always keeping itself in power. I do not think our president is the Savior, but I hope his attitude of positivity and making a difference catches on.
I have gotten in touch with former high school classmates on Facebook. Some of them differ in their politics and I'm cool with that until they start attacking me personally. I am not unemployed because I'm lazy. I am undereducated and lacking in skills to obtain another job. I collect unemployment because it's offered to me. I guess Neo Cons wouldn't accept unemployment if they lost their jobs huh? Or social security when they're eligible either because that's socialism. I've paid into unemployment for 10 years while employed, so yeah, I'm going to accept it.
It used to be that you could differ from one another in your views and still get along. My poverty is somehow a character flaw to these extremists. I guess in their estimation I should just go and kill myself and do the country a favor, huh?
Republicans, is this what you want your party to be seen as? Hateful bigots?

Ahhhh yes.....

It all comes back to me......... this is why I had become a hermit.
I do want friends, but I think the art of friendship is lost these days. There was a time when people were appreciated for being individuals.
I want friends who like me the way I am, not that want me to change and conform to them. There are very few that I can enjoy my time with for that reason.
This weekend, I spent time with people that liked my sense of humor, sarcastic nature and didn't say "Oh now Denise, always look on the bright side of life", which made me like them all the more. I had fun, and never had to feel as though I needed to edit myself or worry I was "too opinionated", the very traits that these people like in me.
Like me or leave me alone....... Some folks like me warts and all, so bugger off the rest of you!

The Plague Approacheth

I think I have H1N1- I've been sick since Thursday- gross.

UPDATE:
Whatever type of flu it was it has now progressed into bronchitis.Thankfully, I caught if before it went into pnuemonia, which I've had several times.

Love Thy Neighbor

So many things on my mind lately.

Not the least is my on going struggle with unemployment and poverty. I'm not homeless, but it's really tough. One unexpected expense equals disaster that takes weeks to recover from. I have enough to survive but nothing left over.It stresses out my kids because they can't have the fun their friends do, and it stresses me out for the same reasons. I can't afford to go out to dinner, the zoo, the water park or anything else that costs money. My only luxury is the Internet. I am clever enough to find things that are free, but I miss things like going to The Henry Ford. If I manage to grab some extra cash, I have to consider my gas tank as well. It's all very discouraging.

I have been channeling all of this frustration into cleaning and organizing. I am getting my house into the shape I want it to be. It's really nice having a home in which people can drop by for a visit and I don't have to panic.

The political storm about Health Care is interesting. The age-old battle of the Haves Vs. The Have Nots. All of the protesters in West Bloomfield are so angry that they might have to share. They're horrified by the idea that the Surfdom actually feel as though we deserve to have minimal health care. I don't remember ever seeing the Democrat and Republican parties being so divided. It really does feel like the Right Wing is all about The Haves keeping all they feel is due them and claiming some sort of "Christian" superiority. All of this lead me to seek where this comes from. It lead me to Calvinism and predestination. Here are some of links I found, but please research on your own.
http://www.bringyou.to/apologetics/num21.htm
http://www.apuritansmind.com/PuritanWorship/McMahonABriefCritiqueOfHyper-Calvinism.htm
http://reformedtheology.org/SiteFiles/Fall2006/Essay_AmericanMethodists.html
I visited many sites and researched for an entire afternoon. This is the religion of the Pilgrims. The one that excludes any one that is an independent thinker. It's all VERY UN AMERICAN. It was an eye-opener for me. I was a Lutheran for 20 years and have recently converted to Catholicism. It wasn't a huge jump. I NEVER hear my parish speak of other religions disparagingly, but I sure do hear it a lot about Catholics from Protestants. I was never taught to dislike the poor and defenseless in either the Lutheran Church or in The Catholic church. Is it any wonder Ireland has had religious battles forever? I don't understand a position of superiority based on wealth. Being a history buff, I do remember reading about the wealthy families such as the Roosevelt's, believing their wealth was a blessing from God which gave them a sense of obligation to help those in need. That makes sense to me; a hell of a lot more than looking down on someone for being poor as though it was "sin" that brought them there.

Hate abounds all around me and I am always startled by it. Perhaps I'm naive. I look at life as an opportunity to help and love my fellow man. I'm no saint, but aren't we all just trying to enjoy our lives, and love and be loved along the way

Romans 12;1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Matthew 25:41-45
Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least among you, you did not do for me.'

A Reason To Get Up

I am one of those people always looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing to happen. I know it's coming and I'll keep myself on edge looking for it.
Let's face it, there's never enough money or time in life. I tend to live in either denial about my finances or in sheer terror. I simply cannot live like most of my friends. I don't have the means. I can't drop a $100 on a family visit to the waterpark, or even spend the money to go to the movies. It simply isn't there. The denial comes when I feel as though I should have some discretionary income. I spend and then I fall behind.That's when the terror begins. I am resolving to keep myself on task and within my means.
I have to and here's why;I have been sick since I lived in my mold infested home, which I lost to foreclosure. I slept in a bedroom blanketed with mold in the attic and in my closet. I spent nights sleeping on one side of my bed while a pan caught the dripping water on the other side of my bed. I was very sick with pneumonia several times and my immune system hasn't been the same ever since. Living in such a way gave me an inkling of what homelessness would be like. The horror of living in something unihabitable, never knowing whether you would even have that miserable place as shelter. My unemployment will run out in 6 months. I need to find job that will pay at least $1000 a month and work around my college schedule. My nursing degree is the thing that gives me hope for a future, so it is THE priority.
These are the things that keep me from living life joyfully. It all comes down to fear. I have a reasonable fear of where my poverty could lead to. I have seen people in my same situation fall by the wayside into homelessness and misery, and I am realistic enough to know that a simple click of my heels and wishing on a star isn't going to change things.
The unreasonable fears keep me from doing anything at all. I have this idea that I cannot enjoy anything until I have absolute security.That "God" will get me for enjoying myself when my life is hanging by a thread.I'm not sure there will ever be such a time. But I do know that life isn't worth living if I can't enjoy some of it.
I am poor and often sick, but like most folks, I want to feel as though there is something worth getting up for. I'm still looking, but I can't find it.

Right Wing

I am so sick of hate.
It's everywhere. Some of it stems from fear. People often hate what they don't understand.There is another form of hate that makes me fearful. Arrogance.
During my disastrous marriage, I bought into that Right Wing Religious Based type of arrogance wrapped in a feeling of righteousness and superiority. God's blessed and chosen crap. I see this sort of arrogance daily now from so-called Republicans. Oh there's plenty of hate to go around; Catholics,gays, single moms, minorities,the poor, fat people, or anyone else deemed less-than-desirable. These same people call themselves "Christians", which horrifies me to my very core. Here's the thing; Christ would condemn their behavior. We were never called to hate. Politics aside, since when is it weak to help the helpless?


The Gospel: ( Thanks Be to God)
Jesus said, "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. Then the king will say to those at his right hand, 'Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.' Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?' And the king will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.' Then he will say to those at his left hand, 'You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.' Then they also will answer, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not take care of you?' Then he will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

Matthew 25:31

It's all about love people, not hate.

Unemployed Stream of Conciousness

gotta get something done today
Gawd I feel crappy
this house is a mess
I'm still so tired
Coffee, where's the coffee?
That's better
what should I do, who cares?
maybe I'll just play some Wii
okay, now I'm tired
guesss I'll take a nap
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
repeat until bedtime ( around 1 a.m.)

The Hermit

Sliding into my flannel cocoon, I reach for another book. This time it is The Book of William by Paul Collins. I am savoring it like fine wine. I should be embracing the outside world, or so everyone tells me, but all in good time. I know my time in this unemployed state of leisure is coming to an end. I want to enjoy it a bit longer. You can have your parties, barbecues, and such. Leave me alone with a book or 10, my pajamas and a snugly comforter and I'm in heaven.........

High School

Tonight is another mini reunion of folks from high school. I am looking forward to it, but not with out trepidation.
In many cases, I'd rather be remembered as the amusing, sarcastic, singer that I was, rather than the unemployed divorced mom that I am now. I have done some cool stuff, and I've overcome some rather horrifying obstacles, but one tends to measure in regards to wealth, educational achievement and such.
I was very guarded in high school. People saw me as confident, when I was far from it. I am dumbfounded by people that thought I was "popular" and dated. (Wasn't and didn't.) A friend that remained so after high school remarked that some people grow and change for the better and some just become bigger jerks. Indeed, the people that I find fascinating are the regular kids that weren't so "popular" and are just happy and confortable with themselves. The most surprising thing are all of the people my age (44) with little kids. Also, the kids that were "stoners" that have gone on to be pillars of health and success. As a writer, these people are far more interesting to me than the jocks and girlies that everyone noticed. We've been getting together every 3 months and it's been fun. Some of the people I want to see the most, are out of state and can't make it.
Ah, well..... even if it sucks and no one talks to me, I will be eavesdropping and using as much for my writing as I can. ( Tee-hee)

Coming Out of the Fog

The ongoing battle with insomnia had me watching TV at 1:00 a.m. and I stumbled across POV on PBS. The show was about a guitarist, Eric Metzgar, that suffered a brain hemmorhage and his recovery back from a vegative-like state. I went back to my own time when an anuerysm struck at 29 and led to a stroke.
My recollections are that it was like being drugged. I felt like a zombie. I had no facial expressions, and I recall feeling disconnected from my emotions as if I were watching my life from the outside. I wanted to go back to my life before, but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't remember how to do simple things. My kids pre-school teacher had to call me to remind me to get my kids from Story Hour. I couldn't remember how to get to the grocery store about a mile from the house. I had been deemed " not damaged enough" to require rehabilitation, so my family doctor, knowing better, recommended role playing and memory games on the computer. ( Thank God my parents had one, this was 1994) I could barely take care of my kids or myself and there I was, doing it anyway. The death knell had been sounded on my marriage (unknown to me at the time) and I had to get better fast to survive. It took 3 years and survive I have. Recently, my algebra prof asked if I was aware of my loss of abilities at the time and when I told him I was, he was horrified.It's been scary as hell, and I still shed tears. There are still residuals, though most people wouldn't notice. I thank God everyday that I survived. That being said, if I have another stroke- I hope it kills me. I'd rather never go through this again.

Pretty Young Thing

Michael Jackson is dead............ yeah....................
Forgive me, but this isn't a huge tragedy for me. The guy was uber talented and had some great songs, but he was a weirdo even then. Then the whole child molestation charges. I know none of us were there, but come on...... a grown man having sleep overs with pre-pubescent boys= CREEPY! If that were anyone in my family, I'd march my keister down to the authorities and have their ass locked up! His family, staff,and the parents of the kids that took money for silence ARE ALL TO BLAME IN THIS AS WELL! Too many kids have suffered because everyone else didn't want to get involved or "didn't actually see it". I didn't see President Clinton getting a blow job under his desk, but I'm pretty damn sure he did.
There is a huge cult of celebrity that I have never subscribed to and really don't understand. I like Hugh Laurie from House but if I heard about his penis being identified by a child and having creepy sleep-overs then I say, lock his ass up, not oh boo-hoo, my favorite star.
All of this has me convinced that the world, and the US in particular, is slowly sliding down the evolutionary ladder right into profound stupidity. I grieve for my country

I van to be aloon

I have reached that point in my life where I am no longer "cool".
I am set in my ways, I like quiet, my dogs and hanging around home. I am okay with that though.
I still like interesting things. I daresay I am quite the opposite of dull. I simply have reached the point where I no longer care whether others find me all that cool or not.
I like to think of myself like a really good Chinese meal- full of differing textures and flavors. I am Catholic, yet I champion gay rights. I like old things, but I like the arts and crafts, prairie style which is the precursor of modern design. I love both punk music ( the old stuff) and I adore bluegrass ( but not new country). I used to fret about whether others found me odd, but now in my middle years, I embrace my weirdness. I don't need to be a hipster. It takes too much work, and it's far too negative.
To quote a famous naval officer, "I am what I am and that's all that I am"

"Thy friendship oft has made my heart to ache: do be my enemy for friendship's sake."

Friends wonder why I am reticent to get to know new people.It is self protectionism.
I admit to having trust issues. I am a very loyal and faithful friend, and I expect the same thing from my friends.
A few days ago, I was verbally attacked by supposed friends on Facebook. It was like a kick to the guts.It's not as thought I believed they were good friends, more like friends of friends, but I am stunned by the need of some to go for the throat when unprovoked.I cannot fathom being so awful, ever. Their own friends aren't all that enamoured of them either.
I have found that evolved people tend to give another person the benefit of the doubt. I find that people with some sort of belief system, other than selfishness, are kind to those that live differently. I have friends that are different religions, cultures and values and we all get along because we all have the same value: respect of others.
Next time you see that single mom trying to do her best, don't judge. You don't know all of the details. When you see the homeless man on the street, look into his eyes, give him a buck and tell him God, Buddha, or YOU care and love him.

" If people didn't milk the system"

As an observer, I find that those who are blessed to have enough to eat, have a nice house, medical insurance and such, are often the least empathetic the "have-nots".
I go to a college that is essentially a business/trade school. Many of the folks that go there have less than the minimum requirements of a high school graduate. They may finished high school, but their education was lacking in the basics, like algebra, writing, spelling. They have to take extra classes, for no credit, to get caught up to the minimum standards. They want to work, have a nice home, and drive a decent car, but some of them cannot progress. They aren't bad people; in fact most of them are very nice and hard working. They will not get into the program they need to get ahead. They come from families that are uneducated also. One young man I met, works full time and goes to college, after giving his mom all of his money. She's medically disabled and he and his siblings have moved back home so their mom won't lose her home to foreclosure and face homelessness at the age of 60.He is struggling to pass basic classes to become a certified auto mechanic, so that he can take care of his mom and himself. He went to Detroit schools and has had a very poor education. He's very well spoken, but writing is not his forte. Also, there are women, like myself that got married,had kids and were subsequently abandoned by their husbands. They are 40-50 and never finished college, and have to start over.They can't just pick up and leave that state, or get a loan from a rich family member. They're on their own.
What do we do for the people that aren't college material? All of the manufacturing jobs are gone, and unskilled labor is a thing of the past. I was deemed too dumb for algebra in high school, so I took business math. Now, in college, I have to have algebra. Some folks after taking the classes twice are told, "sorry, you cant get in to the program", and by then you're in debt for classes and have nothing to show.
People often like to pretend that nothing is what it is. "The poor are poor because they're lazy". If someone can't read and lives in an abadoned house, what do you think their chances are of getting employment?
Sad to say this, but WAKE UP WHITE MIDDLE CLASS AMERICA!- now that you're suffering the same fate of unemployment, poverty and welfare, you can see that it's no picnic.
When black and white inner city folks were losing everything and had no insurance, no one cared, but now that white middle class America is suffering " OH MY GOD! IT'S A NATIONAL CRISIS!!!!!
I am disgusted by the bile that comes out of people's mouths

The Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is discord, unity;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is error, truth;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is sadness, joy;
where there is darkness, light.

O Lord, grant that I may not so much seek happiness for myself,
to be consoled as to console,
to be loved as to love,
to be understood as to understand.

For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

The older I get the more I am convinced this is what it's all about. I have my own little things
that I like to do for myself, but truly nothing makes me feel happier than doing something for someone else.
I plan on meditating on this prayer and seeing where it's application leads me.

Social Pariah

I am an opinionated person. Were I a male person, I'm sure I would get less grief than I do as a woman. I really don't like people that waffle and refuse to commit to an opinion. I see it as very untrustworthy.Opinions do differ. I am accepting of differences, but a wise teacher taught me that where my personal rights begin, yours end.
You don't like Christianity? Don't become one. I won't rub mine in your face, so please don't mock my beliefs.You say you don't like gay people getting married? Great, don't marry someone of the same gender. What makes you so important that you get to decide someone's life choices?
I like people for the most part. I feel as though I lack some sort of connect with most though. I just can't live in a downy cocoon and pretend everything is sunshine and lemon drops. I was a house- mouse for years, mostly out of fear. It's often very easy for some to live in their own little world, full of small tasks, never seeing suffering,loneliness, poverty.I see crap and I want to fix it. I want to help others, not retreat from ugliness.
I am not poverty stricken. I am poor.
There is a huge difference. I can exist on very little. I can give to my church, mostly by good deeds, not cash.But I am alone; utterly. Devoid of friends.
In making connections, I find it is hard to hang with two parent families, because I am always the 5th wheel. Other singles are relentlessly looking for Mr. Next and I am not even looking. I often find myself grieving for lack of companionship. Just a friend to do things with. It rarely works out. They either find a significant other or just seem not to click.
I am examining what it is like to be a happy go lucky, non-opinionated, person. They seem happy, but are they? They'll never tell you if they're miserable. They have the mask on, or perhaps they don't feel anything anymore.That's kind of creepy to me.
I recently read "Not Even Wrong" by Paul Collins about his journey with his son's autism and his historical research on the subject. His son couldn't form personal relationships with outsiders. It hit a nerve.I have that problem too. I never seem to know how to "make friends". People seem to like me. They tell me I'm fun or funny, but they never invite me over to dinner. They don't call and ask if I want to go to the movies. Other people do have friends, I've seen it. It's elusive to me. Maybe I'm socially retarded? All I know is that I dread holidays,and weekends.Now, more than ever.

BLOWHARD

I don't like hateful people. I also don't like people that live their lives in order to accumulate stuff and out-do the Jones'.
I look at the Dubya years and I'm reminded of the "greed is good" quote from Wall Street.
It's not good. It has allowed self-indulgent jerks to take advantage of an unregulated system and screw most working class folks to the point where they can't see the light of day. I live in a community that encompasses both the very rich and the working poor. We all get along. Not once have I been treated badly because I am unemployed or been followed in a store because I don't wear designer clothes.
As a student of psychology, I tend to look at those aggressive A type personalities as fearful. They're afraid we'll all discover their charade- they came from less than prosperous circumstances, and they don't want you to know. They look down their noses at the guys pouring cement, or the women serving them their power lunches.
I love dissecting their reactions and dropping hints at my insights. (That's me being mean), but more so, I just want them to stop being awful to others. Just because someone is doing manual labor, doesn't mean they're an idiot. Things happen- divorce, illness, maybe their family or school told them they were stupid, so they never tried.
Jerks want you to fight back. Surprise them by inquiring why they're so nasty towards the less fortunate. Liken it to kicking a baby. They hate that.. (snicker)
Because I'm smart and I speak well, they think I'm one of them. I NEVER will be. Thanks be to God!

Alone again- naturally

I am one of those people that tend to think all of the time. My brain is in college mode so it's always on the go. Algebra, anatomy and physiology require a lot of memorization and I have also found, a good excuse to ignore the parts of my life I don't like thinking about.
I don't have a personal life. I have very few friends that I see other than the ones I have on Facebook. I haven't dated since my divorce in 2001. I put it all on the back-burner in the quest to make a living. It was an overwhelming and daunting task, having been a stay-at-home mom and housewife for most of my adult life. I'm just not sure where to begin. I am involved in church, but in a Catholic church,there aren't a lot of singles. I am at least a decade older than the oldest person in my classes. Most 44 year old women aren't starting all over again in their career. Even just having friends to hang out with has proved to be difficult.Everyone is busy and in this economy, scrambling to find work, in college, or just trying not to lose their job.
I'm not sure what the solution will be. There are many times where I don't want a relationship because I feel it will get in the way of my goals. I look at others and envy their relationships. Maybe I just don't know how to do this? I'm not sure. I am not a shy person by any means. For a long time I felt I didn't deserve to have a relationship because I was too fat, divorced and somehow "tainted",or echoes of my ex made me feel I was a horrible person that no one would ever love. I don't buy into any of that anymore, but on a beautiful Sunday morning, I find myself longing for companionship. Just confirmation that I am a person worthy of spending time with.

Living?

Looking at my life over the last 2 years has made me realize how much I've grown.
Losing my job has been a blessing. I was working essentially for medical insurance since I barely made $300 a week with wages and commissions. I was paying $100 a month for the insurance anyway.
Now with my unemployment and child support, I make the same as my job was paying me. But......
I'm not working at the job I had come to despise. I loved my customers but I hated the whole corporate structure business model of " do what ever it takes to make a sale", even if it's not in the best interest of the customer.
My life is richer and fuller than it has been in years. I have time to enjoy things like the lake, my kids, my dog, and my friends. I work my butt off, but I also realize that "stuff" doesn't matter that much. I have stuff; my computer, Wii, MP3 player, but I have been without it too and that was okay. As long as I have a home, food and clothing, my essential needs are met. But, you cant be a college student today without a computer, printer, and internet, so I have these things.
I have also been in the situation where I couldn't be certain of having a home, food or clothing and it's very scary. I can live very well on $2000 a month. I could just survive with that. But that works out to $250 a week take home. That's around $7 an hour for 40 hours a week, minus taxes. $14 an hour part time. There aren't many jobs like that in Michigan. Even minimum wage. I'll also lose all of my food stamps because my income would be over $1970 a month.
I'm trying to live in "the now" and give tomorrow to God. I am praying that He'll see to it that I can find employment by the time my extensions have run out. My life is such a little thing in the grand scheme. I just want to survive.

"Them that's got shall get, them that's not shall lose"-

I am furious!
My son has been sick for 2 days. He has a high fever, sore throat and runny nose. I took him to Cornerstone Health on 12 mile in St. Clair Shores. They made a big show of putting a mask on him and flagging him as a possible H1N1 case and filled out a CDC form.
Like a lot of folks in Michigan, I am without work. I receive Medicaid benefits for my family. But, Cornerstone doesn't take Medicaid. They told me, "we'll try to bill it, but we don't take that insurance, so you'll need to sign this document that makes you responsible for the payment"
"How much is it?" I asked
"$150 + lab fees"
We left. I make $1040 a month in unemployment. I can't afford it.
My own doctor that doesn't take Medicaid, (he has seen Evan since he was 1), but he will see me for $50. What the hell?
So, I can go some dumb ass clinic that doesn't follow CDC protocol* for 3 times the price, or see my family doctor, who is wonderful for a third.
(*They made Evan wear a mask, but then left us in the waiting room with other people for an hour. If he had it, I would logically be exposed and so we should have been quarantined from the other patients.)
Ever wonder why people with Medicaid are sick more often than not? Maybe it's the poor quality of care. My Medicaid doctor and most doc's who take it, only see Medicaid patients 2 days a week. My doc is on vacation, so tough crap for me. And my son.
Medicaid is a joke. Just like 911 in the hood. When I had Blue Cross, they couldn't kiss my ass enough.

I have taken a first step in getting healthy. I have always eaten well, I just need a low carb diet, and that is hard, especially when carbs are cheap and I'm poor.
Now I can shop at Trader Joes where prices are great and I can eat more produce. I bought Wii Fit and I am dedicated to doing it daily. I have been having knee problems and when trying on my jeans from summer of 2007, I realized I had gained weight- 20 pounds more. This is causing stress on by joints and I am very uncomfortable. I am also embarassed and too poor to join a fitness club. I know there's Curves, but that's even more than I can deal with. This was $90- and it's forever! I also don't have to buy gym clothes. I wear my old housecleaning duds which are usually a ragged t- shirt and old leggings that should never see the light of day.
I am sick of being fat, sick of being sick and sick of my excuses! Next on the agenda is a bike and trailer so I can do my shopping in the summer without using my car. Now to find a job where I can do the same.

Unscheduled

I have no set schedule in my life other than college and taking my son to school.
It makes me sound like a horrible slacker but it has done wonders for creativity and self-esteem.
My former life in the drudgery of commission sales, made me feel as though my value was entirely based on my ability to force vitamins and herbs down the throat of customers. My previous position as wife made me feel like nothing I did was good enough. In my interim as one of the jobless, I have found that I am available for service to my church, I am always there for my kids, I have time to go places and see things so my writing has some substance to it. I have pause to smell the roses, and to really listen to what people have to say.
I get up to take Evan to school. I have to clean, take dogs out for potty, cook and do laundry. I have lots of homework to do being in a pre-med program for nursing, but I am able to do this within my own time constraints.
I have resumed friendships with people from high school an hope to keep in touch with them. I have been going out on weekends, which I haven't done in nearly 2 years.
I am actually enjoying life.
I've never made less money than I do now. I live on a very slim lifestyle, but conversely, I have never been happier.
With my federal extensions, I have another 46 weeks of unemployment after exhausting my first 26 weeks. I have looked for a job. I look online daily and keep my eye out for signs as well as my ear to the ground. Michigan is at about 12% unemployment. My field, sales is not really hiring right now. So I'll continue my education and try to make a better life for my kids and I.

First Communion

Last night, I had one of the most beautiful moments in my life, second only to the births of my children.
I took my first communion in a ceremony during the Easter Vigil service at St. Ambrose Church in Grosse Point Park/ Detroit.( The church property is in both cities)
It began with a Easter Fire, held at sunset outside of the church. From that fire we lit candles symbolizing the Light of Christ, and went through the main doors of the church only lit by those candles. Then we, the confirmands,catechumen, and those being given baptism and confirmation went to the font to receive our white robes. The baptisms were performed, and then we processed to the altar for an anointing sealing us into the church. We then went to the back of the church, brought the elements ( wine, water and bread) and the offering to the altar. We were given our first communion. After the service concluded, there was a "horsdouvres on steroids" ( as Father Pelc described it)gathering in the Ark, our gathering center and catering hall in the basement.
I have had first communion in the Lutheran church and it didn't have as great an impact on me. The meaning was impressed upon me so much deeper and the congregation was visibly joyous. I received congratulations from everyone and my sponsor gave me a St. Christopher/ St Bridget medal in honor of my Irish heritage.
I truly feel part of a family here. It is the sense of someone being there for me reagrdless of my status, finances, gifts and truly being accepted because of my faith in Christ.

Hesitate

While on my Spring Break from college, I have spent a lot of time on my computer. For the first time I have high speed internet. I haven't had any internet access for 2 years. I am intrigued by pictures of abandoned building especially those with architectural interest.Things were built better in the "olden days" than they are now. I cannot see myself in a new house. I like the marble, hardwood, leaded glass and stone used in older homes.
One of the most haunting things are the interior scenes that look as though the family just took off and left everything there. I have noticed a lot of those in Russia.
It haunts me for another reason as well. I lost my home to foreclosure and I have seen many such homes around me, yes, even in Grosse Pointe. Packing everything I own in a matter of two days was scary. I had lived in my house for nearly 10 years. It was the first house I had ever owned. After my divorce and subsequent poverty, the house fell into disrepair. The roof was bad which led to a leak, which led to black mold. I was horribly sick,and my kids were getting there. I had to move. I could no longer afford the house when gas went sky high and I was travelling 26 miles one way to work to make the pittance of $20,000 a year.
I see homes that are empty and I feel compelled to look inside. Are the ghosts of the families carrying on inside? What did they leave there? There are mansions from 100 years ago that must have housed very grand and important families, that are the homes of rats and mice. Under the filth you can still see the bones of something marvelous. I gaze upon Detroit and reflect on the former opulence and grandeur of The Paris of the Midwest, and it haunts me. Were those families displaced like me through no fault of their own?
The real tragedy? These homes could be used for the homeless of the city, but instead are stripped of their metals, woodwork and glory and reduced to crack houses.
I am 2 streets away and one town removed and all of the houses on my street are from the 20's and 30's. They are strong,beautiful homes with wood floors, original glass, stone porches and lovely wood throughout.They were cared for and not exploited for a drug habit.
My own former home was auctioned off after sitting empty for nearly 2 years. It has been gutted and re-done and awaits renters. I think someone bought it for $3000.
I wonder what the people emptying the house thought of all of the discarded toys and clothes my kids and I left there? I wonder if the measurement lines on the kitchen wall of my kids growth for 10 years gave anyone pause?
I thank God everyday for this new home. I rent, but it feels more like a home than the other one ever did. I pray everyday that God will allow me to find enough work to stay here.

Dream Weaver

I have always been a fan of dream interpretation. My dreams correspond to the situations I find myself in during my waking hours.
A friend will mention that it's too bad my ex and I couldn't work things out and I dream of a undesired reconciliation. I will see a baby, think back to the days when I had a baby and I will dream that my 16 year old or 18 year old is an infant.
Lately I have been having dreams where I am living in a mansion with multiple rooms and secret passages. In the dream I am always trying to show someone, a friend or relative, a hidden room in the basement, but I can never find it. Along the way in this dream, I am finding all sorts of hidden treasures in the house like antiques, sheet music, journals, books, ect. The dreams are never very scary but they are like a mystery I am trying to solve.
I have interpreted this dream to mean that I am searching through my past and trying to make sense of it, and that I am looking for the room signifies what the future has for me.The fact that I can't seem to find it indicates that I'm still not entirely where God wants me.

I have been very sick since October. I got mono and now it seems I am having chronic symptoms of it, referred to as Epstein Barr. The virus kind of hangs out in the lymph nodes and resurfaces when I am stressed or catch another cootie. I am fighting it with herbal therapy, specifically The Wellness Formula by Source Naturals; excellent stuff- high potency herbs and vitamins for the immune system.

After being so sick I am reenergizing myself to take on the next quarter in college and looking for a new job in earnest as my unemployment is due to end at the end of August. I am trying to be super positive about my abilities and putting my trust in God that He has plans for my future that don't include being homeless and on the streets.

You're What?

I have been asked recently by family members and even by the church, why I want to be Catholic. I had to struggle for several months with the decision and an answer.
First, after being part of a church that was in a community I no longer lived in, it was important to be involved in a local church. This church is 6 doors down the street. My former church was part of the affluent suburbs and not very understanding of those struggling to make a living. This church is very close, I can walk there and it’s made up of people in my own neighborhood and town. I know them and they know me. There is no pretence. I don’t have to be embarrassed that I’m not rolling in money, and that I don’t have nice clothes to wear to church. People come to Mass in jeans, dresses, suits, and sweat pants. What they wear is irrelevant.
Secondly, there is a nasty underbelly to the “Worship Leading” going on in some churches. I was part of it at one time and found myself uneasy. The ugly side to some of this Worship is that it is pure showmanship. “Ooo, look at me, see how reverent and led by the Holy Spirit I am. Why, it makes me lift up my hands, shed a tear, and stop everything to focus on Him (me).” I know acting when I see it and I’d had my fill. It’s nice to find a church that worships with classical music, up in the loft, being led by local talent and a choir director that teaches music at Wayne State University. Strings, horns and organ, it’s all there and there is interesting and culturally diverse choir music.
One of the things I love is symbolism and the Catholic Church has tons of it. There s a reason behind everything they do; the procession, the holding aloft the body of Christ, the colors worn by the priests, and the Feasts that we seemingly endlessly celebrate. There is some of that in other churches, but not as richly presented.
The real questions seem to pertain to my former Protestant/ Lutheranism. Okay, I have been a Lutheran for 30 years. When I began in the Lutheran Church, the biggest difference between Catholic and Lutheran worship were the lack of prayers to The Virgin Mary and The Saints. Otherwise, it was nearly exact, which is why I know the responsive words to the priest’s cantor. Our pastors wore cassocks just like the priests and in Catechism class, we learned about the saints (with a little s) and the symbols used in the church as well as the Lutheran Symbolism. I have always been interested in symbolism, history and traditions so a return to this in the Catholic Church feels familiar.
Finally, I have always been rebellious and I am one of those people who are seemingly full of contradictions while I prefer to view them as contrasts. I consider myself to be a feminist. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, but I am personally conflicted. I DO believe that the “products” of abortion are, in fact, a child. I do not stand in the way of others who believe differently. I think priests should be able to marry and women should be able to become priests. I also believe in equal rights for same sex couples and feel they should be embraced like everyone else by the church. I have found that in this church, I can have opinions that differ and I don’t have to fear excommunication or being shunned. There are a lot of people there that have differing opinions. I don’t feel like taking my toys and playing elsewhere. The Catholic Church has made changes but admittedly slow. I can live with that. I may be one of the voices that force change. The fighting that Luther did, led to the demise of those stupid Indulgences or “Get out of Hell Free Cards” the Catholic Church used to sell. Luther and others, confronted the sexual frolicking of the priests, the Popes fathering children, and the convents that were little different from brothels and in doing so, forced change. (Read a World Lit Only By Fire) Our RCIA teacher knows the history of the church quite well and says its proof positive of God’s existence, that being as corrupt as it was, God allowed the Catholic Church to continue. Because I’ve read a lot about the Reformation from varying sides, I know there are skeletons in nearly ALL of the closets of the churches of today.
My kids are cranky about having to eat fish during Lent, my plans of following a fast, and me pestering them to go to Mass with me. They don’t like me being different. They aren’t entirely surprised. Our living room is full of Jesus in two paintings and loads of candles with Saints and The Blessed Virgin, a Virgin snow globe and several books on Christianity. I’m not dumping Protestantism; I’m embracing Catholicism, so shoot me.
I HAVE decided to become Catholic and on March 1st, I will go to Detroit to the Cathedral of the Most Blessed Sacrament, for a ceremony called The Rite of Election in which the church says “We accept you”. I’m very excited to take my first communion as a Catholic on Easter Vigil Saturday night, with or without the blessing of friends and family. I’ve never been known to “go with the flow” all that well and they should know that by now.