Home Sweet Home

I never had a home in the true sense. I lived in a house in Ohio as a young child, but that ended with when my Mom left her abusive husband. We lived with my grandma for a while and then moved to an apartment above a store. The year before I got married I moved back with grandma until I got married at 21. We lived in an apartment in Pontiac, and another apartment in Mt. Clemens where I had a stroke and was disabled for 3 years. My ex-husband and I bought our first home in Harper Woods. My ex lived there for 2 years and then we divorced in 2001. Due to financial challenges after the divorce and black mold growing in the house that I was unable to repair, I lost that home to foreclosure in 2007. My kids and I moved to Grosse Pointe Park, which was the first place I had ever lived in that I found for myself. After losing my job in 2008, I went to college and looked for work which didn’t come until 2010. I had to move to Romeo in April of 2010 and then lost that job in September, and moved up north with Mom and Dad in October. It was bad enough never feeling like I didn’t belong as a child, but as an adult, it has nearly become a burden too heavy to bear. My panic is that I will never be able to financially be able to support myself. I have been instilled with a sense that everything falls apart eventually, so while I strive to have a better life, in my darkest moments, deep down I think I will probably never achieve it. When I look at other’s lives from Facebook , I wonder if they know how blessed and lucky they are to have a home, a job, a family. My kids are far away in another state. I am too poor to travel to see them. I consider it a great week when I get enough hours to make $100. My car is almost 20 years old and has 200,000 miles on it and it’s on its 3rd engine. I know things could be worse, but I also wonder why I’ve had such a crappy life. Did I do something to deserve this? Did I offend God in a previous life somehow? Without some sort of miracle, I will never have a home sweet home, a Christmas dinner surrounded by friends and family around the table, a sense of belonging. I really just want a place to call home. I just wonder how everyone else has done it.

Do Unto Others

This summer has been an interesting summer of learning. I am learning to trust my instincts regarding what is best for me and what is not in my best interest. Because of poor decisions made in my past about marriage, education and employment, I had become distrustful of my own judgement. After deep and slow contemplation, I have discovered that right now especially, I am in full command of the brightest mind I have, thus far, possessed. After a disappointing session of algebra wherein I didn't pass, (by a mere 2 points), I have evaluated and discerned what is the best course to take to learn algebra. For me it is repetition and reading about how to solve equations. I retain the majority of what I read quite easily. Math has always been tough because it is not memorization based. I am using memory to retain the process and then using my problem solving skills to do the math. I rely on my calculator because my mind is easily fatigued by math. As a consequence,I feel more confident in my abilities. In regards to employment, I have learned that it is better in this financial climate to give less information. I have lost jobs due to be "overqualified". I have found with my current job that letting anyone know I was ever in management and in college has marked me as a "smarty pants" with my 20 something, drug-addled, barely literate slacker co-workers. I have re-discovered that only people with severe self esteem isssues like to bully their underlings. From a psychological standpoint, a person that has little self-esteem and is stuck in a dead-end crappy poorly paying job and is angry about it will pass along that frustration to others aka displaced agression. I am dealing with this kind of a person right now. My difficulty is rising above it and just getting the paycheck. The leader in me wants to change the way things are done since they follow none of the rules of good customer service. Therefore, I am learning to switch off my feelings and carry on, which goes against the grain of everything I stand for regarding being a good retail worker. The biggest hurdle I've yet to jump is regarding dealing with people. I always thought that most people were nice and wanted to be kind and do their best. I am realizing this is a lost value. I want to do the best job I can regardless of the pay, who's watching, and whatever glory is achieved. Everyone seems so paranoid about anyone finding their "weakness" that they all walk around in a sumo wrestler stance. Gossip and backstabbing are an everyday occurance in nearly every single job I've had in the last 13 years. I feel like I am austistic in some way. I DO NOT GET PEOPLE ANYMORE!!

What a wonderful world

I am not working or currently in school right now, so my brain is working overtime on deep thoughts. I was out walking the dog and my brain went to the place where I think about my perfect life, whatever that is. I have, unfortunately, bought into the fallacy that until everything is perfect, (i.e.: a degree, great job, my own home, money and time to spare),I cannot enjoy life. I live in a resort area. We have lakes, beaches, woods and lots of wildlife to enjoy. I disallow myself these pleasures because I am unemployed. My "stinking thinking" tells me I have no right to be happy or enjoy myself because I am not self supporting. I like to write and make jewelry but inside of me is the feeling that I am wasting my time because these are not big money-making ventures. I fill out applications and have been on interviews but I am in a holding pattern right now.I want to take care of myself, but I have to finish college in order to make enough money to pay for rent, food and transportation. I am doing now, what I should have done at 20. Being in college actually makes me a pariah in the job market because they 1) know I am bettering myself and thus I am not deeply devoted to my "career" in minimum wage, and 2) I require time off from 10-1 on Mondays and Wednesdays, and in this world of greed, expecting a time slot for my personal education is too much to ask of my part-time minimum wage employer. I must be available to them at any time and any day. So while the Earth spins, seasons change and the God designed beauty of my world is all about me, I have denied myself it's pleasures. I know where this horrible thought process comes from, but what to do about it? There are a lot of people in this world that are angered by a happy person I have found. How dare you be happy when you have NO RIGHT TO BE? I'm afraid I have no profound thoughts or solutions to this struggle. But I am going to choose to enjoy my time now. Even IF I don't deserve to.

I have been spending a lot of time lately decorating and designing my "imaginary" home. I am currently not in the position to buy a used car or even a full tank of gas, so it is just for fun. This seems to bother my Mom a great deal. She looks at me incredulously as I share my excitement over a painting I've found or my favorite bedroom decor. She doesn't get it at all. My entire adult life after the divorce was one of survival. There weren't choices for me really. I had the stroke at 29 and that limited my abilities for several years. The divorce left me feeling helpless and defeated. I have always heard other's estimation of my worthiness and took it to heart. "You're too old to keep going to college" " You're too fat to be a nurse, or to be taken seriously in the profession" "You should really lose the weight and then maybe you could get married again" "You're lazy, fat, and no good to anyone" I know what I am good at. I sing really well, I am a fairly good writer, I can cook well, and I am a great caregiver. I would make a good wife FOR THE RIGHT PERSON. I am not really looking for a husband. I can't even seem to find a male that I'd like as a friend. But I am good at things that seemingly have no material value. IF I can get published, I think I'd be a great writer. WHEN I finish college, I'll be a great nurse. IF I was skinny and adorable, I could have been a great singer. My past is something I tend to look at with deeply felt pain over what could have been. I should have finished college. I wish I had been in a better financial situation. I wish I hadn't married the person I did. I am fucking over other people's thought of who and what I am. Yes, I am FAT. SO???? It hasn't limited me. I can still do things I want to do. My health isn't that bad. I have had high blood pressure since before I was fat. I have low to normal blood sugar and cholesterol.I am smart, although passing college algebra has been trying for me. My kids both tell me I did a great job in raising them to be moral, kind and loving people. My son even told me I was the best Mom and Dad he had. Since this is a materialistic society, I guess I have very little to show for my years of hard work in crappy jobs. I don't have a house, my car is ancient and barely runs and I am still working on my degree at 48. All I have left is the future. That is why I decorate a house I don't even own and plan for things I may never have. Besides my kids, the future is all I have left.

I have embarked on a plan to find out what I like. I have barely focused on this since my life after divorce had been one of scratching out an existence and basic survival. I like quiet time. I watch TV when I am bored, which is a terrible habit. I thought back to when I lived on my own and my TV was only on when there was a particular show I really wanted to watch. I watched TV almost exclusively on one of my 2 days off since I had Comcast and could utilize On Demand. Otherwise I watched shows online. I liked sitting in my livingroom with no lights on and candles or my fireplace burning. I also like time outside exploring. I love to take pictures and nothing excites me more than a really old cemetery. All of these things allows my mind to wander and "write" stories in my head. I like conversations with people. I especially like to talk to people that are a bit odd, without being psychotic, to get a different point of view. I like antiques. Anything from the 20's or 30's gives me a thrill. I like being alone; most of the time, I prefer it. Other people = someone else's agenda. I am still trying to figure out my own agenda, thank you.I like birds, squirrels, fish and flowers. I like living with nature instead of trying to make it conform to my humanity. I have also discovered what I don't like. I intensely dislike, on the verge of hate, people that play power games. It is always someone either narcissistic or insecure. They're unable to function unless they're fucking with someone else's life. Isn't running our own lives difficult enough? I hate politics. I understand that we have to fight for rights. I will march along and put my voice out there, but I don't trust either side of the aisle enough to say I'm a democrat or republican. People for the most part want to protect their own family or stuff even if it means screwing you and yours. That's just base human nature. I don't like configuring my life around other people's agenda. Oh you love living in your community? Great. Good for you. I don't happen to like it myself but you insist it's the ONLY decent place to live.Your yammering on about yours makes you seem like an elitist douchebag. Different strokes people. When people carry on about their town, church, lifestyle endlessly, I always wonder if they're trying to convince me or themselves how uber cool they really are. I stand unconvinced. If you want to impress me, show me what you're doing to make the world a better place. Who did you uplift or inspire? Did you create anything? Tell me about that. I am trying to organize my life into something I want to live rather than something to be endured. I need a delicate balance of work, play, creativity and rest. Mostly I need to get (find) a life to call my own.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I am no longer in school for gerontology and I have reentered college for nursing. I begin classes next week. I found a new job at a grocery store as a cashier and I really enjoy it. I work with nice people and my work is appreciated. I get breaks and everything. Another thing that happened is not so pleasant. A person intregal to the music at church was arrested for 1st degree criminal sexual conduct with a child 13-15 years old. This person is a teacher that engaged in oral sex with a male student. The initial response of the church council, of which I am a member, was to keep this person, who is employed by the church, out of the church until the court case was decided. But...... the pastor wanted to show real "Christianity" by having us be good forgiving Christians and asking him to return to our church. My response was shock, tears and an overwhelming sense of betrayal and fear. Let me tell you a story........ I was a 13 year old girl that had never had a boyfriend and was barely past the urge to wrestle and fight with boys. My mother had recently re-married and within a year, the man she married began sexually abusing me. He stopped short of actual sex but just barely. At first I pretended that I was asleep as he visited my bedroom and touched me. Once when he caught me awake, I told him to leave me alone. He told me that if I told anyone what happened he would tell my Mom that I seduced him and that she would believe him and not me. I would be responsible for causing a problem with her 3rd marriage and she would blame me. I then began to sleep with a knife near my bed. I did tell my mom. She was blindsided and wasn't really sure what to do. I started counseling and I was told by a counselor that we could be repaired as a "family". I attended church with my abuser where he was perceived as an upstanding citizen. We didn't last long with that counselor. I was having a lot of problems at school with a male teacher that was very controlling and I was acting out. I confided in a friend that I had been being sexually abused and he did the right thing and told the school. The school called my home and and my abuser told them that I was mentally unstable and being treated my a psychiatrist. I was being treated due to his perversion! My friend was told to stop speaking to me about this. I was called into the office and told to stop lying about things and making things up about my family. Remember, this was 1979, but still no one ever spoke to my Mom, my only legal parent. They spoke to her when they decided I should be evaluated. I was tested and then they found out that I had an IQ of 142 and normal, albeit the trauma inflicted by the pervert. One day I was doing dishes when my abuser decided to if he couldn't sexually abuse me that physical abuse would do. He tried choking me when he didn't like that way I "sassed" him. I grabbed a knife, told him that if he ever touched me again I'D FUCKING KILL HIM! By now I was 14 and I packed my things and moved in with my grandma. Within a week, he left my Mom and moved in with the woman he'd been having an affair with. I was let down by every single institution that I encountered. The persistant response was "shhhhhhh, keep this quiet" and solidly reinforced that I was dirty, bad and had been abused because I asked for it. It took weekly visits to a psychologist for 4 years before I felt I was able to deal with my trauma and I then returned to church as well. I find myself unable to return to church in the presence of this person. I refuse to participate in the denial of his "alleged" treachery. I can not and will not look the other way and click my heels together waiting for the Magic Genie "God" to allow my heart to be softened and to embrace and love this "person". You know what would make me feel better? JUSTICE! I never got any but I hope this young man that was victimized will. I hope this person is never ignored and downplayed so much that he is allowed to do this again. There is such a thing as right and wrong and good and evil. For fucks sake, act like you understand that! Weekly we yammer on about the "seen and unseen" and satan, yet when we find a person that participates in evil we treat them like the victim. I am disgusted. I will seek council elsewhere until then.