Evidence of Spring

The Cardinal's song wakes me
At the top of the neighbor's tree
The bright sun blazes through the blinds
Bulbs pop in exuberance
Grass quickly greens
Neighbors reunite outside
Kids skateboard, ride bikes
The gathering of yard debris begins
The birdfeeder sees countless sparrows, occasional purple finches
Squirrels run crazed through the park

I pray my home will stay mine.

Lovers Love The Spring

I feel like a bear coming out of hibernation, and sniffing the air. I like what I'm smelling too.
We've had sunny and warmer weather here in Detroit for a week.We've also had flash floods that left one community with basements full of water after a 3 inch downpour in less than 45 minutes.
The mall is humming with folks buying new warm weather clothes, lawn furniture, mowers and diet pills ( at my store)
I have reached the point in my weight loss, that others can see the changes and are commenting. Mostly customers who see me a couple of times a month.Plus,I have all of this new found energy, and I am writing daily on my book.A couple of the customers I really like will be characters in my book. I have told them this and presented one of them with a few pages to check out.
I will be attending a party this weekend, and I am going to ask someone out this week too. I suppose all of the positive energy/Karma, I have been sending out is finally coming back,and it feels good!

Spring Cleaning

Spring has sprung in Detroit. I did finally begin my spring cleaning. I have come to one conclusion; I have way too much stuff!
I love books. I'd rather have books than chocolate, and that's saying a lot. But I have too many. I try to give them away. Some I read and decide they're junk. I did throw away my paperback of "On The Road". I found I despised the characters and hoped they'd die of exposure or get locked up because they were such a waste of life.
I found some old Focus on The Family, James Dobson,propaganda which made it's way to the "cylindrical file". I give books away and loan them to others as well.
All of the books were carefully wiped with Pledge wipes,and stacked attractively in the appropriate categories. I have a very large section of classics including, Middlemarch, Angela's Ashes, and Poe. I have my David Sedaris and Christopher Moore section of newer beloved books. There is also a section devoted to history and lastly, a section for book research which includes Forensic pathology, Anatomy and Physiology,also Unsolved and Infamous Murders.
Allthe while I cleaned I had "How Clean Is Your House?" from the BBC on TV. These women actually clean, not like Martha Stewart,who has a staff of people to do her bidding. They reform "slobs" that live in the most disgusting filth you'll ever see.Very inspirational.
I still have much to do. I still have ancient linoleum that has to be waxed. I need to caulk the bathtub then the yard work begins. My yard is a mess. Much to do to get the containers ready for my crops too.
Somehow,I finally "got off the pot"

Dear God,hope you got my letter......

I recently had a dream in which my cousins and I were in Heavens Waiting Room. There was an old TV on with re-runs of Night Rider and other horrible programs I can't remember, so my cousins and I just talked.
First off, this is Heaven. Why did their Waiting Room suck so much? Shouldn't there be choirs of angels? At least The Biography Channel?
We all commiserated on the horror of working so hard for nothing.We all agreed that life had really sucked. We never found true love, true happiness and were glad it was finally over. I remember not being too concerned about my upcoming appointment with God Almighty, because I knew Christ had paid for my sins with his life. My cousins didn't seem concerned either.
When I woke up I wondered why were we all dead at the same time? My oldest cousin is only 47. The youngest there was 37.
It also made me think about what I'd probably do when I get to talk to God in person. I'll ask a lot of questions. I am never a person to "leave well enough alone"
I want to know why, why, why.
So I would ask:

Why do you make innocents suffer?
Why do you let things like Tsunami's happen,yet allow tele-evangelists to live?
Why did you let me marry my ex?
Why allow the most corrupt and miserly people prosper in this world,and let the woman with the "mite" remain in poverty? ( a bible parable) ( look it up)
Why did people drag your Son's name into the gutter in the name of their "religion" and go unpunished?

These are a few I have come up with off-hand.
Add some of your own.
Maybe we can find God's e-mail address.

This Is The One Thing I Know

I think my age is finally catching up with me.
I spent my 20's trying to be the Perfect Wife and Mother.I never felt perfect enough and spent a lot of time that should have been spent going to college, trying to please a man that would never return the love I felt for him.
My 30's were marred by a stroke at 29 that took 3 years to recover from. There was the demise of my marriage at 36.I was crushed. Everything that I was had been wrapped up in my marriage and my kids. Now I had to discover a new me. A person unto herself.
Now I'm nearing 42 in April. I've have been trained in a new career although I haven't found a job in my field.I am preparing to re-enter college again for another certification program that will result in graduating with a double Associate of Applied Science Degree. I am desperately trying to keep my home. Finances are always difficult in retail.
What I've discovered about myself recently is that I'm settled. And I like it that way. I was really into the "idea" of having a torrid affair, falling in love, hooking up,something. I have found that I am very picky and most people I meet aren't the least interesting to me in the romance department. Profound intelligence is the most attractive thing to me. Not a lot of that around in the area currently, that isn't already taken or gay. The effort required for me to find and date someone is just too much for me. I don't want it that badly. I like quiet. I like my house, my dog and sometimes my kids ( they are teenagers after all). I have reached the point of contentment. I don't want to be rich, just able to pay my bills. I don't care that my car is 13 years old.
I have been reading a lot of Buddhist materials. I do agree with many of the philosophies but it doesn't touch my heart the way Christianity did.
When I first became a Christian, I was very young, probably 9. My Grandma's church were of the weird Pentecostal variety. Even then, I knew in my heart that all of these "rules" about women not wearing pants, makeup, female submission, was a load that had nothing to do with Jesus.
When I jumped feet first into Right Wing Christianity, it was because I longed for the olden days. I hoped that if I "obeyed" God would protect me from all harm. Deep down I knew it wasn't right. While I taught my kids to love Jesus and respect God, I taught them to always question authority. If someone tells you something, ask yourself " Where are they coming from? What is their agenda? Why would they want me do this?" Subconsciously, I wanted to ask these questions of my church. Of all Fundamentalist Christianity, "When did Jesus say any of this shit you're telling me?" I knew the answer was that He didn't.
I never fit the mold in Church, marriage, High School and I certainly don't act like the typical Grosse Pointe Mom. But I like me this way.I'm fun, interesting and I have learned to stand up for myself.
My whole philosophy of life is the same as it was when I was 9.
" Jesus Loves me this I know"
AND
"Love one another as Christ loved you and gave His life for you"
This is probably the only thing about me that isn't complex. I can be quite a pain.

Procrastination

I have been vigorously studying Buddhism.I have an excellent book "Daring Steps Towards Fearlessness- The 3 Vehicles of Buddhism". It has been the one book that has made sense of it for me.
Well, until I got to the third vehicle. Alas, I am distracted by having never read
"Angela's Ashes". I have read Frank McCourt's other two books and read his works in reverse order. I finished "Tis" just before St. Patricks Day. I have a aversion to reading the "popular" books everyone else reads which is why I have just gotten around to reading it now. I usually read 2-3 books at a time,but when studying profound subject matter comprehension suffers in doing this.
I am stuck in the writing of my own book.
3 reasons:
1)Procrastination- thus the title of this blog.
This condition has plagued me throughout my life,and has been made worse due to the
brain injury suffered from my aneurysm. I used to be compulsively organized, anal-retentive and annoying. Now there is crap all over my house. I spend my time with my nose in a book, or writing a blog. My brain wants stimulation,but apparently, my OCD, that kept my house clean from 1986-1994 ( the year of my stroke) , has abandoned me along with the right front lobe of my brain.
2) OCD-The only area of compulsivity I have left is in the written form. I am so anal about my writing being perfect, that I self edit repeatedly. It has become OCD- like.
The kudos I receive for my writing are amusing to me, because all of this writing is off-the-cuff. I think and indeed, speak this way, so that is how I write. However, I do edit this blog repeatedly too.
3)Observation- I need people to use as writing fodder. My characters are shamelessly based on real people. Those that know me will find themselves in my writing, at least in part.
Having been quarantined last week, I missed the observational stimulation.


I am trying to utilize focus in an almost meditative state to "get my shit together" as my Mother would say.I am not very good at following a set schedule. I have been better at it during college, because once again, I must get all 4.0's.My house during college classes looks like a crack house. My Mom tells the Aunt's " she's an honor student, she works. Something has to give somewhere" I am walking the tightrope of perfection. I have just enough OCD to drive myself nuts, but enough brain damage to render me helpless to follow through.
To quote my Mom once more "shit or get off the pot" and so I begin Spring cleaning.

Detroit Institute of Art

Now that I've renewed my membership , and the pink-eye is better, Abi, Dianne and I went to the DIA for the day. Saw the Ansel Adams exhibit.( Can't take pics of that though).
Enjoy the photos:

A Night With The Movies

It takes being quarantined with pink-eye for me to catch up on movies. They ran the gamut tonight.
First, American Hardcore. I was a punk in the 80's. One of the first in my little high school. I really liked the music and I was into the whole 1, 2, fuck you sort of attitude. I was an early admirer of The Ramones. Saw them at The Motor City Roller Rink in 1979 at 14. Punk became a really violent bunch of crap after 1982 or so, and I got out of the scene because of the "hardcore" sort of stuff. I wanted to check out the sound, not kick the crap out of people, although I did a bit of that as necessary too. Once adolescent rebellion was over, so was my angst. I still like the sound though.
Next was Gattaca. Frightening! I do think that there will come a time when society in it's pursuit of all that is perfect and beautiful, will attempt to rid itself of "undesirable" characteristics,like homosexuality, obesity, myopia, heart problems or anything that is less than perfect. Being one of those less than perfect types, I feel compelled to overachieve as well. I can't get good grades, I have to get 4.0. I can only sing if it's perfect. I double and triple check all of my writing, for accuracy in spelling and content. So, I've bought into the bullshit too.
Lastly, I watched Little Miss Sunshine.It was an incredible movie. I like quirky people in real life too. The "normal" person is very boring. The more imperfections and odd habits the better in my book.The teenager reminded me of my son except mine is not anti-social.I like how it didn't end with the magic Hollywood ending too.Just like real life.
All in all, time well spent.

Dream a Little Dream

I had the most wonderful dream the other night. I woke up smiling, which hasn't happened in years.
I dreamt that I was in my house,except it was different. It was a farmhouse.My kids were still elementary school age. I took off outside while they were eating breakfast. My "yard" was unusually big. It was acreage in fact.I was wearing dark green wellies. I checked out my crops, spinach, lettuce, peas, onions, a few other things I can't remember, but they were all Spring crops. I saw critters moving in the distance. They were deer, but not the white tail variety of Michigan. They were Moose sized. I could see them because I had binoculars in my large coat pocket.
I felt content in knowing my crops were growing, my house was clean and warm. I set about to begin my home school with the kids. A strange sense that while there was no husband around, it didn't matter. We were well taken care of.
Hmmmmmmm.............
Okay so this was my life at one time. Kinda. At home Mom. Home school. Garden in the yard. Not in the country though. Was this a simple longing for Spring in this harsh Michigan cold snap? One too many Benedryl at bedtime? I guess what made me so happy was my own contentedness.
I am still working on that one. I have not forsaken my Buddhist studies. I'll understand Buddhism if I lose my marbles.I still believe in Christ as my Savior,but I still like looking at another POV.Plus, a lot of what I'm reading sounds like Joyce Meyer. Hmmmmmmmmm...... Curiouser and curiouser.............

If It Were Not For Hopes,The Heart Would Break

I have been feeling pretty low lately and have been soul searching as to what the problem may be.
When I was divorced in March of 2001, I felt giddiness. I was free from a loveless, emotionally abusive marriage. I could be and do anything. I started college right away and was amazed to find that after years of being told how stupid and useless I was, I was an honor student; 4.0 GPA , Deans List, Phi Theta Kappa. I was assured that I would complete my program as a medical assistant and be picked up by a doctor’s office within weeks of my internship.
I was sure that I would find someone that I could at least date and perhaps even find someone that might love me.
I was sure that I could fix up my house, get to the point where my ex and I could be on normal speaking terms, since we have two kids together.
What I got was a certificate that isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on. Michigan is in the worst financial crisis since the Depression. I haven’t dated yet; partly because I am sure I give off a “get away from me” vibe and because I haven’t really met more than two people I’d be interested in dating, and they’re not interested in me. The ex and I are still contentious. He still treats me as though I’m retarded.
Looking at the cover to my Regina Spektor CD, I see the title “Hope”.
Eureka! That’s it! Hope. I have lost hope.
The bible says
“ Hope deferred makes the heart grow weak”
Also: “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, to give you hope and a future”
Buddha says “Hope is merely another face of desire”.
Okay, so Buddha bugs me. Is all of life just “whatever”? If I walk around like all I see is unreality, then why should I give shit about the poor. Shouldn’t they just be satisfied with their lot in life? This is why I am not a Buddhist.
So do all of these religious quotes apply to me personally I wonder? I still haven’t found out. But lack of hope is the source of all of my negativity as of late. I just can’t see what I have to be hopeful about. I am grateful to be alive, not homeless or addicted.
But the bible also says to “fix our eyes on what not on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.”
I find just enough hope to get up every morning but not enough to make me feel like life is fantastic.
Does anyone know which aisle they keep the Hope in?

Tag You're It!

Evan Genest knows how to push my buttons.Just leave an enticing word game involving lyrics to songs on your blog and I'll go ape shit trying to figure it out, even when I'm at work,supposedly to be all managerial and crap.
So here's the game: Remember journalism class? The questions you need to ask in any story are who, what, where,when, and why. (The last time I took journalism I was in Middle School.) The game is played by having your ipod, MP3 or in my case,my computer hard drive ask the questions in lyrics or song titles.You figure out who the artist's are and leave a comment. Then post the game on your blog,MySpace,company website, whatever.
Away we go!

When You Say Nothing At All
When The Curious Girl Realizes She's Under Glass
Will You Love Me Tomorrow
Where You Lead
What's The Use Of Gettin Sober
What Ever Happened
What Are You Doing New Year's Eve

Short list- VERY LITTLE BLUEGRASS- I share the computer with teenagers,so there's a lot of stuff of all varieties. Have fun!!!!