This Is The One Thing I Know

I think my age is finally catching up with me.
I spent my 20's trying to be the Perfect Wife and Mother.I never felt perfect enough and spent a lot of time that should have been spent going to college, trying to please a man that would never return the love I felt for him.
My 30's were marred by a stroke at 29 that took 3 years to recover from. There was the demise of my marriage at 36.I was crushed. Everything that I was had been wrapped up in my marriage and my kids. Now I had to discover a new me. A person unto herself.
Now I'm nearing 42 in April. I've have been trained in a new career although I haven't found a job in my field.I am preparing to re-enter college again for another certification program that will result in graduating with a double Associate of Applied Science Degree. I am desperately trying to keep my home. Finances are always difficult in retail.
What I've discovered about myself recently is that I'm settled. And I like it that way. I was really into the "idea" of having a torrid affair, falling in love, hooking up,something. I have found that I am very picky and most people I meet aren't the least interesting to me in the romance department. Profound intelligence is the most attractive thing to me. Not a lot of that around in the area currently, that isn't already taken or gay. The effort required for me to find and date someone is just too much for me. I don't want it that badly. I like quiet. I like my house, my dog and sometimes my kids ( they are teenagers after all). I have reached the point of contentment. I don't want to be rich, just able to pay my bills. I don't care that my car is 13 years old.
I have been reading a lot of Buddhist materials. I do agree with many of the philosophies but it doesn't touch my heart the way Christianity did.
When I first became a Christian, I was very young, probably 9. My Grandma's church were of the weird Pentecostal variety. Even then, I knew in my heart that all of these "rules" about women not wearing pants, makeup, female submission, was a load that had nothing to do with Jesus.
When I jumped feet first into Right Wing Christianity, it was because I longed for the olden days. I hoped that if I "obeyed" God would protect me from all harm. Deep down I knew it wasn't right. While I taught my kids to love Jesus and respect God, I taught them to always question authority. If someone tells you something, ask yourself " Where are they coming from? What is their agenda? Why would they want me do this?" Subconsciously, I wanted to ask these questions of my church. Of all Fundamentalist Christianity, "When did Jesus say any of this shit you're telling me?" I knew the answer was that He didn't.
I never fit the mold in Church, marriage, High School and I certainly don't act like the typical Grosse Pointe Mom. But I like me this way.I'm fun, interesting and I have learned to stand up for myself.
My whole philosophy of life is the same as it was when I was 9.
" Jesus Loves me this I know"
AND
"Love one another as Christ loved you and gave His life for you"
This is probably the only thing about me that isn't complex. I can be quite a pain.