Maybe I'm paranoid but.................. there have been several family occasions I've attended and I never appear in any of the family photos. It has led me to believe: 1) I am entirely too repulsive for photographs because I'm fat or 2) The people taking the photos really don't like me so they erase me from the occasion through their pictures.Either way, I am trying to find the ability to like what I look like, even though it's not perfect. I am fat. I make no apologies for being fat. I simply am. I have tried dieting but I lose about 10 pounds and then nothing. I am diabetic now so I have cut carbohydrates drastically and have lost about 12 pounds. But I am okay with being fat. Obviously, others are not. After my stroke, I went on medication that caused an autoimmune reaction and I lost a large percentage of my hair, so it's very thin. I get good professional haircuts and I color it with highlights. I think it looks cute but once again, not perfect. I have very little money. I am in classes for nursing so I am limited in the hours I can work. I will be looking for a second job in January so that I can buy a car. (Mine is 21 years old) Because of this, I have less than stellar clothing. I don't always look super fashionable. Mostly, all of this makes me VERY angry. Angry because I feel this way, angry because I feel sub-standard and unwanted. My initial reaction is to avoid everyone and stay in my room, but the HAES ( Health At Every Size) activist in my makes me want to put on a bikini and tell everyone to kiss my big fat ass! Also,it pisses me off that I even have to question this. Unfortunately, the occasional deletion is one thing but repeatedly occurrences just makes me feel slighted. Fuck it! I am changing my profile pic on Facebook to a real picture of me! I do realize that 50% of this is my issue. If family members don't like me well, I guess don't invite me to gatherings. For several years after my divorce, I had very little contact with my family and that was fine.If people aren't supportive or just don't like me then I'll stay away. But it makes me sad to be left out of family pictures.

e.

I am a person that needs to feed my brain. I need adventures and interesting things to do and read. Not unlike most folks, my day-to-day life is boring. I work at a job I don't really like much, I am in a holding pattern waiting to hear whether or not I have been accepted into the nursing program. I have cleaning to do, cooking to do, and a dog to walk. I have found something that helps relieve the drudgery. I plan little get-aways so that I have something to look forward to. I like to travel. It's a recent development for me. I was the recipient of a wonderful Christmas gift, a round trip ticket to Denver Colorado, to visit my kids. I was stuck at the airport for 12 hours in January and had to lose a day by overnighting in Baltimore so I was given a voucher to fly again. I took a second trip to Colorado in August to see my kids again. It was awesome! Just being able to see different things and experience different things was such a lift. Now that flying anywhere is not in the works, I have found that little day trips are an excellent substitute. Very recently, I took a trip to East Tawas Michigan. I got to see the Lake Huron shoreline, a lighthouse, and a creepy old cemetery. My next trip will be to Alpena Michigan for a shipwreck tour in a glass bottomed boat. I have also started to plan a trip to a ghost town called Pere Cheney near Grayling Michigan. If I am accepted into nursing clinicals (God willing, I pray), I will not have time to go anywhere except the library. I just feel the need to have a little bit of fun once in awhile. Lately, my dream life and writing is far more interesting than anything in real life. Travel is my attempt to keep from sliding into deep depression. It's cheaper than therapy and healthier for me than pills, so............