Christmas time is here

Things are looking up in my meager financial situation. I will still get some food stamps and my kids and I can stay on Medicaid. I am all registered for college which begins January 14th. I don't know where I am financially with college though. If I have to take out loans, so be it.
This might actually be the first Christmas I've enjoyed, poverty and all, in nearly 9 years. I'm not working retail, so it's not the over- commercialized pile of poop it normally is for me. My plans are a family evening Christmas eve, Midnight Mass at St. Ambrose and Christmas day at my brother's. I have no money, half a tank of gas left and the food stamps are long gone,but it's still nicer than dealing with the obnoxious consumerism of the mall and the mall zombies that suck all of the meaning out of the holiday.
I finally get to enjoy Christmas again! That's worth more than money can buy!

Hesitate to Burn the Buildings

I was inspired to write this blog after a forum was inadvertently started by the Facebook comment of a friend. I do not live right in Detroit, but if I walk to the end of my street and down two streets on Jefferson, I am in the city. I have a vested interest in what happens to Detroit.
So many people view the auto industry's decline as something outside of themselves that can't touch them either because they don't work for the industry or live in or near Detroit. Those people are sadly mistaken and foolish.
When 3 Million people could lose their jobs, not only will the infrastructure of Detroit collapse, so will the country.
I see the faces of those living in the state that aren't just struggling, but rather are homeless, starving, freezing and hopeless. There are 2 intersections near my home where there are folks begging either for food or work to get food. Yeah, some of them are drunks, druggies, the mentally ill. But there's a new face to poverty.
These kids in Detroit are homeless. Perhaps their parents are drunks, druggies or whatever, but they aren't. It is just a plausible that their parents are the unskilled labor let go by the auto industry. Flint collapsed and Michael Moore made a movie about what happened to those people.
One hideous point always made is about what auto workers make and how it's not fair that "unskilled" people make so much. So how much should those of us in the serfdom be allowed to make? What sort of lifestyle should be an allowable amount? $10 an hour?
Take me for example:
My crime? I was a house wife that got left in the dust with two kids then 7 and 10.
I was a house wife from age 25 to 35. I took care of my home and kids. Then my ex decided he wanted out. I have no skills other than sales. I couldn't keep up with my bills. I lost my house to foreclosure. I made $20,000 a year including child support. Now in 2008, I made the same amount of money and I moved to an apartment.
Then I lost my job. Now I make $1200 a month. Keep in mind, I have a certification as a medical assistant. I can't find a job. I am currently going back to school through a State funded program called No Worker Left Behind. But Michigan is in finacial trouble so the funding could dry up very quickly.
I have a 15 year old car that breaks down all of the time. I can barely afford insurance. My rent is $825 a month. My utilities are $200. Food is $400. I don't even make that much. I also have a cell phone that is $50 for unlimited minutes.
I don't have a home phone, cable, a computer,or internet. I only get new clothes when my tax return comes in Spring. My jeans are literally 12 years old. My kids work in the summer to buy their clothes. They only get new things at Christmas and for Birthdays, and not from me.
The state says that because my daughter has a part time job, I am going to lose my food stamps,and Medicaid. She may be moving out because if she has to give me her money, college is out for her.I am not homeless and I thank God everyday that I'm not, but for those of you in your secure little lives: look around- we're not so different from you. As a retail manager I did have more than one person with a MA come to my store looking for work at minimum wage.The next time you're feeling smug just remember:YOUR TOWN MAY BE NEXT AND YOU MAY BECOME THE NEW FACE OF POVERTY.

Damned if I do

In my fight to make a life for my kids and I , I have hit head first into another obstacle.
I owed money for State taxes last year. I tried to make arrangements to pay after my federal return this year, but they decided to yank it out of my unemployment. keep in mind I only get $900 a month to live on. So no money until December for me. Oh and since my daughter works part time to pay for college, the state yanked all of my food stamps because " our family has income".
I am going to go to school if it kills me. If the state knows they'll take unemployment away too.
How in the hell is anyone supposed to get ahead in life? How can I ever get off of welfare if they screw me for trying?
I'll survive, but barely. I can't have any mishaps with my car or anything else.
I'm not belly achin but this is what it's really like for people living in poverty. It aint no picnic

Computer ADD

I have been slowly recovering from the bout of mono. I have no home computer, so I have to rely on the 1" square screen of my cell phone to entertain me. I have had chronic insomnia since my twenties. I have to take sleeping pills to sleep and even then it's a challenge. My body may be toast but my mind is still going full speed ahead. I thought it might be amusing to take a look at the stuff I look up and find on my web phone so here ya go.
I was in the midst of germ warfare with the mono so I looked up microbes. This is what I found:

They are plush microbes you can order. Absolutely hilarious. I want some.
My fascination with all things old and trying to pinpoint the architectural style of my home had me on a mad chase for nearly an hour. It led to this:

and it is just like my house except mine is a duplex and much larger. Each floor is 1300 sq. ft.
I also look up stupid things like poop and farts and any number of useless words but they always lead to something interesting. Or at least entertaining.

Schrodinger's Cat

I’m not overly into television. I have my favorite shows but having recently been stricken with mono, I couldn’t do anything but watch TV. It coincided with my purchase of my digital boxes. I now have extra channels to distract me. I won’t watch just anything though.
I have a thing for history. I live in a Arts and Crafts style home from 1920. I love anything to do with the 1920’s and 30’s. With my new digital box, I have 3 PBS channels. My 2 favorite history shows are “Secrets Of The Dead” and “History Detectives”.With the new digital box, those shows are on daily. Woo-hoo!
The only comedy I watch is The Big Bang Theory. It's about a bunch of nerdy scientists that work together and hang out together. It often cites many scientific theories and being the nerd that I am, I look them up on the web to see what they're about. Recently they used Schrödinger's Cat as an example of 2 possible outcomes in one of the character's life. So I looked it up. I look things up everyday;words, ideas, literary references, stuff Evan G. writes to me. There's a lot I don't know so and I want to learn.
Also, I enjoy Nova and especially a recent episode called Parallel Lives, featuring Mark Everett, formerly of the indie band, The Eels. He happens to be the son of Hugh Everett, a physicist known for his theory of “relative state”, “many worlds” in quantum physics. The same theory as Schrödinger's Cat; alternative universe. (The cat is both alive and dead.)
It seems Mark, though living in the same home as his father for his entire life, didn’t know a thing about his father or his radical ideas. Talk about an alternative universe. It's a really interesting story. I want to read his book.
It's called “Things The Grandchildren Should Know” You can buy it on Amazon for under $20. I'm ordering one as soon as possible.
I love strings of coincidence!
Yeah,I'm a nerd.......

Read more at
http://m.usatoday.com/detail.jsp?key=917054&rc=tv_li&p=6

www.phobe.com/s cat?s_cat.html

blogs.whataslacker.com/2008/05/19/s
(including a link to get a Schrödinger's cat t-shirt!)

.

Self- another four letter word

I realize, after much self examination I have some major issues to resolve.
I tend to live in the past in an attempt to figure out what things I’ve screwed up and how it could all be different if better choices had been made. I have found it difficult to even look back at my time as a homemaker and full time mommy. I was a wonderful time for me. I finally felt I had done something exceptional; I was raising two great kids to be interested in learning, kind to others, and steeped in arts music and literature. I taught my children at home in an attempt to ensure a life-long love of learning.
I knew from personal experience that public schools often destroy this passion in children by the warehousing of students; one way to teach, hence one way to learn. What if you’re the square peg? I had capabilities that were known to my high school English teachers and one particular middle school teacher. I read and had the vocabulary of a college level student in 5th grade. By high school, no one ever mentioned my level of achievement again. I had some emotional problems due to family issues and admittedly, I was a bit of a problematic teen. Back in 1979, the school authorities knew I had been sexually abused at 13 and I was told to never discuss it. No counseling was offered and I was written off as another “loser”; a bad seed from a bad family. The scar their uncaring attitude left on me was something I wasn’t willing to expose my children to. . I cannot allow myself to look back at my kids early years without regretting that I married their father, who ended up leaving me feeling worthless and thwarted my attempts to help my kids. He made me feel I was a failure in everything including teaching my kids.
He did have to eat his words after our divorce when teachers commented on the kid’s high vocabulary, reading ability and advanced musical skills. He had to admit it was my doing but he could only see me as damaged.
After I nearly died in 1994, my ex husband grew weary of my disabilities.
I have permanent damage to my brain from an aneurysm that led to a stroke in 1994, that I fear may keep me from ever doing anything significant in life. I have an excellent mind, but a weak body. The stroke makes me question my abilities pertaining to my efforts to become a nurse.
I have ephasia which means often I can’t remember words I need when speaking. I don’t have that problem when writing (it’s a different part of the brain). I have some numbness in my left hand which affects my typing, and some fine motor skills.
My immune system seems to be very low and I catch things very easily. I have limited energy now. I will give all to my job, but I have little left at the end of the day to be Super Mom, Super Wife or Super anything. According to my doctor, this may never change.
The past seems to creep into my future like a thief. I have a bright mind, but can I do anything about my inadequacies? I am trying to keep the small flicker of hope I have burning, but constant obstacles take their toll.
I hesitate to look to another person as inspiration because I know that I need to find the power from within to endure life’s trials. While the idea of a person cheer leading from the sidelines sounds great, I have no idea who would want that job. I have no control over the obstacles I face, but I know it’s my decision how I respond.
I have a lot of work to do on my self esteem. Operative word: SELF.

The Next Step

Nothing worth doing is easy, boy do I know that!
Trying to get into college is a battle. I have to pass a test given by the state to prove my proficiency of at least 9th grade. Then the pre req.'s, then another test, then I can be accepted into nursing school. I am seriously thinking about RN rather than LPN. It takes longer and as long as my unemployment can hold out, I can do it.
I am attempting to get my computer fixed so I can do my writing, and take online classes as much as possible to save on gas money and time.
I feel altogether too old to be in this position, but I am, so why bitch?
I'll keep everyone posted as to this epic adventure. make your teenagers read this as a lesson of why to continue their education.

The Woods

The recent period following my termination from my job, I spent my time catching up on household duties usually neglected by lack of time. Dealing with the run around necessary to get my needed compensation such as unemployment, food stamps, and 401K
left me feeling overwhelmed and stressed. The anxiety disorder cranks me into a state of neurosis that requires either xanax, prayer, sleep or a combination of all three. I feel, at times, as though I am a criminal trying to steal from someone, with all of the bullshit I go through to get what is rightfully mine.
I decided enough was enough and left for the woods of Northern Michigan and my family. My Dad drives truck across the country, my sister is career Navy and was here on leave, my Mom is the Supervisor of the township in her community.It was great visiting. My Dad had to go back on the road and my sister had to return to Mississippi.
I took the dog out this morning and sniffed the crisp fall air, as I noticed at least 4 species of fungi on the ground.I took notice of the fall colors and all of the acorns on the ground as well as all of the squirrels gathering them for the Winter to come. A thought occurred to me:
While I have been wrapped up in my own world of fear, the natural world has continued on. Nature has followed it's course. The trees are seemingly dying, yet I know this Spring, they will burst forth with new greenery.
My life is in a state of flux, but I have to remember that just as God oversees the needs of the sparrow, He'll also see to mine. I trust God, but not all of the bureaucracy of my government to see to my needs.

Purpose Driven Life?

In a state of personal crisis I have discovered what really makes me feel so anxiety ridden. It’s a big topic.
What is my purpose?
I was a Mom and wife for most of my adult life. Now I have to have a career. I need to be able to support myself. Just having a job is no longer a reality in today’s world.
The corporate retail sales world has rejected me because I’m not money driven and soulless enough to put money before human life.
I know what I’m good at. I put people at ease. I am friendly, outgoing and down to Earth. I feel better about serving others. Just knowing my kindness made someone else feel good is enough for me. I do want to make a difference in the lives of others. I want to feel needed.
I have always felt as though I wasn’t good enough; never enough money, the wrong side of the tracks, not thin enough, not pretty enough. I married a man told me I was NEVER good enough in looks or in value as a wife. I didn’t clean well enough, cook well enough, I didn’t look like a porn star. I drove myself nuts trying to be perfect. My feelings have been reinforced by the world. It’s what the world has told me for 43 years; that I’m useless. My only value seems to be in what I can earn or whatever accolades I can bring to myself. I want to earn a living but I want to do more.
The Bible says :

Romans 8:28
We know that in all things God works for the
good of those who love Him, who have been
called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:24-25
Who hopes for what he already has? But if we
hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it
patiently.

Philippians 2:3-5
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or in vain conceit
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but
also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same
as Christ Jesus.


To the world, I’m useless. But to God, well, it seems I have a purpose. Just show me the way Lord.

All the D Words

I have had a lot of time to think since losing my job. I am trying to narrow down what is really important to me.
Here are some of the conclusions I have come to:

#1) I am worshiping at a Catholic church. I like it a lot because the focus, at this church at least, is WORSHIP; nothing but me and God and my relationship to Him. No floor show, no popularity contest, no big screen with graphics, just worship. People come in jeans, suits, fancy and laid back, and all are welcome. No one looks down their nose. I’m really happy here. I look forward to going to Mass every week. I’m not a Catholic, and it doesn’t seem to matter in this congregation. The Father said last week, “all are welcome, whether Catholic, Protestant- all believers in Christ have a home here”
I know the history of the Roman Catholic church, I know their stance on Gay rights, and feminism, but it hasn’t been discussed and I don’t want to politicize my worship. I am certainly not the only person to disagree with them. One lady had her Obama pin on at church and I’m sure she’s not a Conservative either.

#2) I am tired of uncaring people. There seems to be a National Crisis of Selfishness that has permeated our culture. I don’t remember ever feeling this negative about people as I do right now. Wall Street is the penultimate example. “Screw the Nation, just make sure I get mine” I was raised to give, often even if it hurts because, I really believe that God will bless me for it. The old “ there but for the Grace of God go I” mentality. The nastiest thing I find in the Neo-Conservative culture is this attitude that The Haves have because they’re better than the Have Nots. The idea that poor people deserve whatever misery the world gives them, because they’re stupid and maybe just plain bad. Personally, I will plead guilty to stupidity. I was stupid enough to think I had married a man that wouldn’t penalize me for being a stay at home mom by leaving me without an education, setting up all sorts of roadblocks to getting one. I STUPIDLY put my life in the hands of another. But, does this mean there is no redemption for me ? Should I just give up? I did do something in all of the years I was home. I raised two great kids. Not perfect, but loving and kind.

#3) Getting the college thing going is a friggen nightmare! It seems as though the entire process is set up to frustrate participants into giving up on the notion of going at all. My daughter had no problem. Me? The State is making me prove I’m worthy of going to get State money. I’ve ALREADY gone to college. I had really good grades. But I suck at math, hell, I’m downright remedial. So I have to pass a test to get the money. It has me wanting to say “screw it, I’ll pay for it myself.” But I qualify for all of the financial aid there is, so I wouldn’t pay anyway. Always hoops to jump through; I’ll take extra classes, whatever it takes, but no. I have to pass their little test.
Ehhhhh!!!! It’s so frustrating. Bureaucracy reigns! It makes me feel stupid and unworthy.

#4) Will I ever meet people that aren’t jerks, people that read books, think and don’t care solely about the Almighty Dollar? I feel so disenfranchised, disillusioned, detached and devoid of meaningful human interaction.
How can everyone suck? It seems the nicer I am to people, the worse they treat me. I want to retaliate, but I try to rise above, thus leaving me to feel like their “bitch” I’m running out of cheeks to turn folks.


I guess none of this would bother me if I didn’t expect better from the world at large.
So I either compromise my sense of right and wrong, or I spend my life alone. No friends, no mate, an island.

Sarah- Smile- cuz that's all you know how to do

I found this online

Palin said if she and John McCain win, they will “put government back on the side of the people of Joe Six-pack like me.”

Palin said she and her husband, Todd, have been affected by the economic downturn.

“The relatively low number of investments that we have, looking at the hit that we’re taking, probably $20,000 last week in his 401(k) plan that was hit. I’m thinking, geez, the rest of America, they’re facing the exact same thing that we are,” she said.

“I know what Americans are going through,” she said a day after a record 778-point plunge on Wall Street. “Todd and I, heck, we’re going through that right now even as we speak, which may put me again kind of on the outs of those Washington elite who don’t like the idea of just an everyday, working-class American running for such an office.”

Palin makes $125,000 yearly as governor, and her husband makes about $90,000 a year combined from his commercial fishing business and his part-time job as a production operator on the North Slope.

Doesn’t sound like an average Joe to me.

I have always known that the Republican party regards me, as a woman, and especially as a stay-at-home mom, to be a simple creature that must be guided by A MAN, because I lack the intelligence to make an informed decision regarding my vote. After all... I'm only a woman right?
Guess what you crazy bitch- that $20,000 hit your retirement account took, well that's all I made in a year. I worked my ass off to sell shit to people that didn't need it, drove 30 miles one way to do so, and in the end was given the shaft. I am starting over at 43 in a new career path. What's the likelihood I'll ever get to retire huh?
I'm not stupid. I am a member of Phi Theta Kappa, I have an IQ of 142 but, I am poor and working class. I was told by a person at Michigan Works that a "good" paying job was $8.50 and hour. I said sure, as long as I can live in my car.
The Republicans, as well as many others, have absolutely NO GRASP on what an average American has to do to earn a living. Not to say that the Democrats have that firm of an idea. Nor have I found anyone financially comfortable necessarily having empathy for those with less.I can't tell you how many folks are surprised that I'm intelligent because I don't have a degree.
We as women aren't fooled McCain- She may be a woman, but she's still Republican. And for the record- I don't drink Six packs either. I prefer a nice white wine.

UPDATE: After watching the debate, I liken Sarah Palin to the insipid cheerleaders from high school: Pretty to look at, not a lot going on between the ears. Rather cultlike with her "John McCain says" POV. All in all- scary. I dislike her as much as Hillary. ( See, I'm non- partisan)

The numbers don't lie Simpson...

I was fired from my job on August 28th. I barely reacted, prompting my manager and district manager to think I had lost it. I hadn't. I was just so relieved that I never have to go back there, I was euphoric.
I have really enjoyed my time off. I have been writing, goofing off, cooking, cleaning, and researching my new career move.
I feel a little guilty feeling so happy. Maybe it'll all come back to bite me in the ass? Don't know. I have unemployment for a year, free education for an associates degree, food stamps and child support, so I can survive.
By the way...... don't shop at Vitamin World. They don't care about anything but getting your money. Just an opinion, an INFORMED ONE!

Green Dress Continued

Julia made her way to the library. She was there every week, so the librarians recognized her immediately. They knew her to be a history buff, so when she asked to use the microfiche and load the local newspapers from summer 1933, they did so with no questions asked. Julia sat down at the microfiche and started with April 1933. No one 18 had died that month. She briefly scanned the headlines of the paper; headlines concerning the national economic recovery were foremost. She moved on to May. There was a death of a woman age 20, from childbirth. She was a married woman, so that eliminated her.
A headline leapt out at her from May 29th , 1933.
“Local girl missing after Spring Ball”
Audeline Murphy age 18 was reported missing after not returning home from the Spring Ball Saturday night. The daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Murphy, Owners of Murphy's Cleaners, said her daughter had never done anything like this before. Miss Murphy was last seen at the ball which ended at midnight May 27th. She is a recent graduate of high school and had been expected to join her parents in their local laundry business.
“Audie was at the dance, but no one saw her leave” said Miss Betty Lawson
The Murphy family said that Audie went to the dance at 8:00 p.m..
Audeline Murphy is 5’ 3” tall, has strawberry blond hair, green eyes and was wearing a green ball gown and cream shoes.

Julia asked the librarian to make copies of the paper from May 29th, and then resumed her research
Julia then went on to the subject of Ben Blakely. She first did a Google search on her laptop. It yielded over 10000 hits ; most referred to his family. His father, Theodore was a big lumber baron during the gilded age. The family had originally come from Scotland, emigrated to Canada and then moved to America in
1887. They still owned quite a large amount of virgin forest in Canada in the 1930’s. Theodore had amassed a fortune in the U.S. and was now looking to utilize their holdings in Canada. His oldest son, Ben was the heir apparent. In 1932 he had graduated from business school and was planning on returning to Canada as the head of the family company. There was another son Michael, 15 and a daughter Elizabeth 10.
Ben had moved to Canada in fall of 1933. He married, became a citizen of Canada and
fathered 3 children.
Julia copied all of this on her flash drive and then went home to play with Tav and ruminate all of this in her head. This afternoon she would be working at the battered womens shelter called Haven. She used her experience as a nurse to help women to find medical assistance as well as inspire them to better themselves. This was run in cooperation with the diocese in her parish.
A lifetime Catholic, Julia found strength in their faith, but always felt her insight into the dead would be a divisive subject. She sought to help women to find their own strength and to make better lives for themselves away from their abusers.
Julia threw the ball to Tav until he became bored with it. After a quick brushing followed by a cookie, Julia took a shower and dressed in her scrubs and a bright flowered lab coat before she left for her duties at the shelter. Most of the women at the shelter had been connected with social services, so their medical needs were seen to. Julia spoke to the women about their prescriptions, and looked after their healing bodies. There were quite a few new women at the shelter today. The upcoming holiday season usually ratcheted an upswing in violence. She saw a slight woman with dark brown hair sporting a very swollen black eye. She was sitting in the clinic waiting room for her turn. She checked how some of the medication was working for one of the ladies that suffered from high blood pressure. Her readings were normal. Then she saw a woman with a baby that was asthmatic. The baby's lungs sounded good and she reminded the mother to keep up with the nebulizer treatments and the antibiotics the baby was on for an infection.
Then the new woman with the black eye came in. Her name was Carolyn and she had recently arrived here from Alabama. She was alone and without children. She had been seen at the ER and referred to Haven. She had so far denied having any abusive spouse or boyfriend. She claimed to have left her former abuser in Alabama. She said she was returning home to her family, only to find that she wasn't wasn't welcome because her previous relationship had been interracial.
Julia found her to be a tough nut to crack. She answered in monosyllables.
“So how do you explain the bruises on your face Carolyn?”
“ Someone hit me. I don't know who they were. I came home from looking for a job and I was attacked”
“Where were you staying?”
“ I was at the Clarion”, the Clarion being a seedy boarding house on the edge of town.
“It was the cheapest place I could find until I get a job. I have $800 left from my money. I worked as a cook in Alabama and I'm looking for a job doing the same here”
“Were you sexually assaulted?”asked Julia
“No, he must have been waiting for me in my room. It was dark when I came off the bus”
“Did he rob you?”
“ No, he just hit me and then he was gone. I told the police all of this at the hospital”
“I'm just trying to help. The x-rays showed the eye socket wasn't broken, but it's pretty badly bruised. Just keep applying cold packs and take your Motrin 800. Let me know if you want to talk about anything, okay?”
“Sure, but there's not much to tell” sighed Carolyn

The Girl in The Green Dress

Halloween always gets me in the mood for a story. Last year my story wasn't finished. I'm still working on it.
Well, enjoy this new one. I WILL finish this one.

It was the perfect crisp fall morning and Julia was up early. She drank her coffee looking out at the bright red and orange leaves. It was such a relief to have the day off from work. She liked her job as a nurse, but taking a break was really nice. A typical week consisted of 4, 12-hour days then 3 off. Rarely did she have 2 days off consecutively. Her dog, a Scottie named McTavish was anxious to get out there this morning. Julia pulled on her jeans, a hoodie, and put on her tennis shoes. Then she filled her travel mug with coffee. After adding the cream, she grabbed Tav’s leash and off they went.
The crisp air was invigorating and she quickened her pace as Tav scurried excitedly. At the end of the block was a large park that was magnificent with fall colors and the lake shone orange from the rising sun. Julia made her way towards the picnic table at the edge of the woods. She sat down and took Tav off his leash. He never went very far, knowing Julia had a stash of his favorite peanut butter cookies in her pocket. Julia took a deep drink from her coffee and let out a huge sigh. She heard giggling from the woods.
“What kid would be out at 6:30 am. in the woods” Julia thought. She looked over where a large tree had fallen and sitting on it was a young woman with blond hair and dressed absurdly in a sea- green ball gown. Julia blinked a couple of times and then realized that this woman wasn’t real.
Since Julia was a little girl, she could see people that to other’s eyes weren’t there. Her mother figuring she was playing with an imaginary friend never questioned that idea until she overheard Julia call her friend “Katie”.
“What does Katie look like?” asked her mother
“She has red hair and green eyes. She said you know her” said Julia innocently
Her mother turned white and got out a photo album.
“Is this Katie?” asked her mom.
“Yes, she says that was her a long time ago before she became pretend” announced Julia
Her mother rushed to the phone to call her grandmother and after a whispered conversation her mom returned to tell her to keep her pretend friends a secret. It would be a secret between her, mom, grandma and Katie.
Later that week her grandma came over to visit and asked her a few more questions.
Katie told her to pretend she had gone away.
“They’re scared of me. They feel bad about the way I left them, so we’ll only play when no one else is around”
When Julia was a teenager she asked about Katie.
“A strange man took her from the yard and we found her dead down by the lake the next day. I always thought it was my fault because I was older and put in charge of watching her. But I was only 8 years old and I didn’t want to be bothered. Grandma didn’t blame me but I she didn’t have to. I blamed myself. Grandma never liked to talk about Katie after the funeral.”
Seemingly they had forgotten her friend Katie because it was never spoken of again. But her grandfather did tell her about his mother being able to see the spirits of those who’d passed on. He did it when Grandma wasn’t around.
“Your Grandma being a good Catholic woman doesn’t want that mentioned. She seemed to think it’s some sort of witch craft, because of some daft old priest told her so, but I always figured it as a gift from God Himself. A way of restless souls repairing their past misdeeds or something, but let’s just keep that to ourselves” he said winking.
Julia had spent most of her life pretending she didn’t see spirits. Very few people knew and no one at the hospital knew at all.
She stared at the woman in the woods but she seemed lost to herself. Some of the poor souls didn’t even see anything, but were rather just like a tape playing over and over, the same day in which they left their physical lives. Julia reckoned she seemed like someone from the 1930’s by the style of the dress she was wearing and her shoes. After finishing her coffee, Julia whistled for Tav and gave him his Nutter Butter. His tail practically wagged in circles.

Julia returned home and spent the rest of the day getting caught up on her laundry, housework and reading. She had never married but it was by choice. She’d had relationships, but never took the plunge. Julia liked her freedom and she had never wanted kids and now past 40, she figured she never would. Her dogs had been her kids. Tav was the 4th in a line of dog children starting right after she finished nursing school. There had been boyfriends, but the relationships always ended when they became bossy or demanded a commitment. She was a one man woman but she didn’t like the idea of putting up with someone else’s demands on her time. Julia was very active in her local parish and devoted a great deal of time working with the needy in her area. She volunteered nursing services for the homeless shelter near her home as well as mentoring woman at the domestic abuse shelter. There was profound satisfaction in all of her outside activities and a relationship hadn’t been part of that so far. She found men to be too demanding and self focused.
Her newest line of study was travel. She really wanted to travel to Japan and her coffee table was covered with travel guides, brochures, and language guides. She had 4 weeks of vacation time saved and figured next fall she would go.
“Too bad I can’t take you Tav, a Scotsman in Japan huh?”
Tav just looked at her and wagged his nubby tail.
Julia thought of the girl in the woods, and wondered where all of this would lead. She liked when new things presented themselves to her. Most spirits were so confused, that communication was difficult. They always knew she could see them and seemed drawn to her. She wondered if she gave off some kind of light or something.
After having a light dinner of penne pasta with lemon and asparagus she settled into bed to read her Japanese language book. Work started at 6:30 so bedtime was usually 9:00.

Julia woke up at 5:00, showered, dressed, drank a cup of coffee, (the first of many cups that day) and ate a bowl of raisin bran. She had packed a lunch of leftover pasta, a peach, yogurt and sliced cucumbers and tomatoes. She added a couple of protein bars too as she was facing a12 hour day. She never bothered with makeup at work because her face was behind a mask all day in surgery. She mad sure that Tav’s doggy door was opened to the fenced back yard and that his water was full. His automatic feeding dish had been filled yesterday, so she was ready to go.
“You be a good boy Tav” she said as she patted his head and gave him his cookie.
Julia was off to a bowel resection, a lumpectomy, and an appendectomy .She scrubbed in and set about with her work. It was a long day and she stopped after work for some lo- mein , took Tav for an evening walk, threw the ball in the yard, read the paper then took a nice long soak in the tub and back to bed. The next day was essentially identical to the previous; different patients, different surgeries, but all too similar.

Julia's next day off was two days later. Because she was used to getting up so early, she was up before the sun again. She drank her coffee on the porch in her sweats and a jacket as the chill in the air was quite pronounced. Tav was up right away and looking longingly at his leash knowing the usual course of events. Soon enough, Julia was ready for a walk and habitually they went to the park near the lake. She made her way to the tables near the woods and expectantly looked towards the fallen tree. Sure enough, there was the green clad woman. This time Julia decided to talk to her.
“Well, hello there” she called out.
The woman just looked at her blankly.
“Nice fall day isn't it?” Julia pressed on
“It isn't fall at all. It's a beautiful summer day.” laughed the woman
“Oh, my mistake. What's your name?” smiled Julia
“You know, I can't remember,” she giggled, “isn't that silly?”
“Well it happens to the best of us” Julia replied sunnily.
“I'm waiting for my Ben. He's coming to get me. We're eloping” she whispered.
“How exciting” replied Julia
Soon Tav had tired of sniffing and walked over towards Julia. He stopped suddenly and let out a low growl followed by sharp barking.
“ Now Tav, that's no way to treat my new friend” said Julia
“Are we friends?; I'm afraid I can't remember” said the woman.
“ This is silly, but I can't remember what the year is, do you?” said Julia lightly
“Well, I can at least remember that. After all, this is the year of my 18th birthday. It's 1933” she said with the greatest of confidences.
“Oh, so it is. I guess we're both a bit silly today. Who is your intended?”
“Well, it's kind of a secret but I guess I can tell you. It's Ben Blakely. I'm sure you've heard of him” said the woman grandly.
“Of course, who hasn't? Well, you're a very lucky girl”said Julia
“I certainly am. He's quite a catch and he says he loves me no matter what his family thinks. They'll get used to me in time, even though I am just a maids daughter”
“How wonderful” smiled Julia.
Tav resumed his barking and Julia used it as an excuse to depart.
“We'd better go now. Nice meeting you. Try to remember your name if we meet again”
“I'll be leaving here as soon as Ben comes. We're going to Canada. He's got a company to run there.”
“ Congratulations again. Goodbye”
“Time for your cookie Tav and time for the library for me”

Comfortably Numb

Something clicked off inside of me.
I’m not even sure what it was or what caused it.
I have recently have been really worked up about how horrible people are.
I had, in fact, saved 2 pages that I was going to post on my blog.
Here’s the thing: I don’t care anymore.
People suck, mostly due to their own frustrations, lack of money, lack of jobs, higher cost of everything. I just don’t care. Perhaps I’ve become insulated to it. Maybe I’m finally a hardened old woman.
I consider myself to be a bit of a bleeding heart. I always want to help the underdog. I’m even getting tired of that.
All I want to do is write, work, take care of my kids and dogs and go back to college. I figure that everyone makes their own path in life and I certainly don’t have a great deal of wisdom to impart on the world.
I used to think God had a magnificent plan for all of us; one that would lead us to some huge life altering point of view. I don’t think that’s necessarily His plan for all of us.
In the past, my feelings,( fear mostly), kept me from doing anything. I tend to do better when I just don’t give a shit. I am back in the doing and not feeling mode for a while. Maybe I’ll finally get something done.

I can't believe you like money too; we should hang out!

I watched the movie Idiocracy yesterday after having heard it was a must see movie.
I found it to be very funny and actually profound in it's view of the future. I work in a mall, so I can tell you, the future is here.
People all around me act much in the same way as those in the movie. Pop culture is all encompassing. Trying to do well or be enlightened is looked down upon as trying to be a brainiac or thinking you're better than someone else. Because I like the process of linking my reading or movies to real life, I have discovered a correlation.
I am a working class person, and I was raised in a working class home. My mom was of the opinion that being poor didn't mean I had to be stupid. She wanted better for me than to toil away in a factory like she did. I am trying to finish my education because I am an excellent student. My lowest GPA has been 3.6.
I am reminded consistently by others that living in Grosse Pointe is elitist. I am in some way a snob because I live in a wealthy community, although I am still working class, as is everyone on my street. I want to live in a nice place that I can enjoy. I want my kids to have a superior education. This somehow makes me uppity according to some.
Just like in the movie, Any attempt at being striving for something better is frowned upon. Most of the people around me are renters. We are a mixed population of equal parts white and black. We're all just trying to have a nice place to live, nice parks to go to, and get our kids a great education.
So knock it off already. Grosse Pointe isn't like in the movies. The majority of us aren't like 90210 or Grosse Pointe Blank. I really think that those making all of the fuss are likely the biggest snobs of all. Get over it already!

Pomp and Circumstance

All of the graduation festivities are over and my oldest, Abigail is getting ready for college. She pondered why i hadn't finished college myself.
Simple: My kids where my priority. I took parenting very seriously as a career. I didn't have kids to push them off on a daycare center or a nanny. I wanted them to be excellent individuals. They did have to do the childcare thing after the divorce, but I had put the core time in with them. I taught them to read. I encouraged their individuality and interest in music.
I'm so sad when I see people drop off infants at a center. I know that sometimes things happen; divorce, single parents, been there.
I've met the kids whose parents seemingly had them because it was " the thing to do". They're like accessories, a Prada bag or scarf. The kids are left with others deemed sufficient for child care. Those kids are usually into drugs and or alcohol. They have very low self-esteem.
Better to never have kids if you don't take it seriously. Seriously......

Don't need to think- ya need to drive

I nearly went to Speed Dating with a friend when I found I had double booked.Then I escaped. Thank God. Everyone tells me I need to get out there and meet people; straight people instead of my usual gaggle of gays.
Dwelling upon it I have discovered that I really don't want a "relationship" right now. Or perhaps ever.
I am a middle aged woman of "generous proportions" and I have found that is not a commodity men are in the market for. I am also opinionated, intelligent and I actually read books that require a college vocabulary. Whilst many a larger gal would settle for any penis bearing man, I simply refuse to compromise. I am not a consolation prize. I am the whole package of wonderful.
Also, my writing and reading of obscure books has become an obsession as of late. I would much rather read a choice book than get "nekkid" these days. Plus sex has become a DYI project ( sorry TMI huh?)When I feel lonely for companionship that is remedied by a day with my GBF ( gay best friend), who also reads books, conjugates verbs, has manners and is 20 years younger than me. ( did I tell you that I'm immature?) That does the trick for me.
Maybe I'm just too old. Don't know, and don't care much either. I am way too old to try the cute thing and too bright to deal with Nascar lovin' goomers that seem to have multiplied in the cess pool that Michigan has become.
No thanks...............

Woefully unprepared

My former life as a mother and housewife has ill-prepared me for the corporate world.
My identity was in fostering good feelings in people. Support, nurture, kindness.
Christianity has led me to desire to be kind, giving, loving and yes, even to love my enemies. I feel I am a pretty decent person. I try to be anyway.
None of this is a good thing in my current occupation. I can utilize my good nature to lure in customers, and if I follow the corporate desires, convince them to buy things whether there is an actual benefit or not. I feel not unlike the snake-oil salesmen of days of old. I am at a crossroads in my job. I dislike it, no that's not strong enough; I HATE IT! I am paid very little and much is expected. I have to drive 30 miles one way. The company has managed to suck all humanity out of my position.
" The numbers don't lie. You're only as valuable as your average sale and profitability." It's so not me. I have had to become something I barely recognise as myself in trying to keep my kids and I alive, housed and fed. I am now compromising ethics I vowed to keep as a medical assistant.
There are few opportunities in this area. I remain hopeful, but it's getting harder to do so. I often wish I could just be a soulless asshole. It would be easier to cope. Alas, it's just not in me.

Everyday I write the book

I had a conversation with my Mom this morning. She has been praying that God would guide me to a new career. I have been praying the same for quite a long time.
In another conversation with a co-worker about God's blessings on the attempts we make to change our lives, I confessed that I always make a point to look to what God blesses as far as what things to pursue. God's blessings have not been on my goal of a medical career. I'm good in that field at least as far as educationally. Let's face it though, I'm a bit old to be starting out in a physically demanding career in medicine and I have my own medical problems.
The only thing that seems to get any decent response is my writing. Not everyone even reads my blog, but those that do give me positive feedback. This year my aim is to write as much as possible and see where it leads me. This will undoubtedly mean seeking a second job to pay my bills, but rather than waste a lot of time and energy on college, that has thus far, led me down the garden path, I shall endeavor to reach a new goal. Let's see what God blesses.

I am a rock, I am an Island

It is quite apparent to me that all of us in this world are seeking love. I know a lot of us aren't finding it.
I have lived my 43 years so far for the betterment of my children and formerly, my spouse. Now I find that I am very alone in this world. My parents are still around but live 200 miles away. My siblings have their own stuff going on. My birthday was yesterday. My mom called me, and a few folks left messages on MySpace.
This isn't a pity party, but it is an eye opener. What sort of connections have I lacked in making that has brought me to this desolation? It brings to mind the quote of Thoreau and" quiet lives of desperation"
I work, I clean, I cook, and rarely, I spend time with "friends", but are they really friends? What does that mean? How important am I to anyone? Is this my fault? Have I been a shitty friend and therefore I am reaping the consequences?
I am truly at a lack to understand why it is I can't seem to make connections in this world. I am not referring to romantic aspirations necessarily either, although that would be great too.
Feedback please...... anyone??..........................

Uh, theres a little tp on your upper lip.....

I have been feeling increasingly more anxious lately.
Michigan is it's own circle of Hell from Dante. Jobs are very scarce.
Our state is over 7% unemployment.
My parents have had to shut down their business, and my dad had to go on the road truck driving. Bill collectors called my mom and freaked her out.( They're vicious now, FYI, for those that can pay their bills on time.) My doctors office called me today to inform me that I missed my appointment and if I did it again they'd charge me $50.After 3 times, we'd be dropped as patients. I have been going to this doctor for 13 years. If they didn't stop answering phones early on Fridays, I'd have been able to cancel my 7:30 am Saturday appointment.
People in my store rant and rave at us for price increases, as though we can do anything about it. This economy is wretched. It has destroyed families and I have heard so many stories about people losing their jobs and becoming homeless. These aren't poor uneducated folks, but people with degrees.
I guess I an naive enough to wonder why people have to attack one another when we're all suffering. I don't bitch at the store employees because I can't afford steak. I just buy what I can. Hell, I still donate clothes. I offer meals to friends that need them, I give a buck extra to the guy that sell papers on the corner, while hauling his oxygen tank in a kids wagon. Being disabled hasn't stopped him from trying.He doesn't bitch either.
When did people become such assholes anyway?

Once a great place, now a prison.

Just when Detroit looked stupid, the City Council had to join in just to be certain that it looks childish as hell.
They refused to listen to his budget for the fiscal year. It may be against the law to do so. Conyers called the council president "Shrek" in a meeting last week.She also intimated that he was a bully. It's not the first time she's been an ass.
What in the hell is this? Middle School?
Just so your not mistaken, The City Council seems every bit as inept and self serving as the mayor himself. Conyers antagonistic "street" lingo and thug attitude might be great on the West Side but City Council? Come on....
Eh, maybe Detroit is getting exactly what they deserve. It's just so sad to see a once great City fall to a mess because all those in charge care about their own agendas rather than what is good for the city.
Click on the Free Press link on my page and check it out. So sad.......

Livin Near The D

Detroit has been in the news recently because of the Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick.
Is it as bad as it sounds? Yes, in fact, worse.
Most of my friends and I agree what will probably bring him down is when they find the link between him, the police and a stripper that was shot to death, that had filed charges against the mayors wife for beating her during a strip show at the Manoogian mansion. OOoophhh! Such a lot of crap always goin'on in the D!
I'm a white suburban girl with an East side Detroit mentality. I was raised in the lily-white burbs of Rochester.But my mom was a shop rat. She working in a plastics factory, then a paper mill and finally made tanks in Warren.I grew up surrounded by prosperity, but I hadn't much myself. My mom didn't make much money until I was a senior in high school. I thinks that's why I can relate to the D and it's troubles. My family was for the most part, blue collar from farmer stock. Now my kids are in the same type of situation being in Grosse Pointe Park, The Wrong Side of The Tracks. Their mom works in retail. We're pretty poor still, but my kids are getting an excellent education. Not everyone in GP is a snob. Usually the snobs are from GP Woods and are just Wanna Be's, or as I refer to them, douchebags. They're not very rich or cultured, just arrogant and rude. I am poor but educated. Still working on that well paying job business.
I'm so sad for Detroit. I love it. I'm a architecture junkie. Such cool stuff to be found. There are really great things to do in the D. As I've written in some of my first blogs though, The D has a shady history when it comes to it's government. Their own leaders, black or white, seen to thrive on nepotism, corruption and greed.

Sticks and stones......

I am a victim of abuse. I was never hit or punched but I was abused none-the-less.
I am a recovering victim of verbal abuse.
I still have problems with boundaries but I have come very far in the last 3 years.
People see me now as very confident and assertive, it wasn't always the case. I was a frumpy haus-frau that made peace and took a lot of bullshit in order to keep the peace and keep the vision of "family" alive although it was always a delusion.
My kids are now seeing my ex as an abuser themselves. He has the tendency to control others and say whatever it takes to get his way. My daughter called him an abuser to his face. I used to think of her as exaggerating, but I have come around to seeing the truth. After reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, I was chilled to the bone. It was as though she had been an unseen witness to my relationship.
He was always wonderful in front of others, only to turn into Mr. Hyde when we were alone. He still does the same thing whenever I'm forced to deal with him because of our kids. He does that with the kids too. They've told me he's great when others are around and turns into a screaming lunatic when it's just them. My daughter refuses to see him anymore. I am trying to give her some coping skills so she can have a relationship with him but still refuse the abuse. Is that even possible? I'm not entirely sure.
I had even fallen as far as to utilize some of the manipulative techniques towards my children. I was a child in many ways when I married and grew up learning the ways of relationships with my ex. I'm very careful now not to do that with them anymore.
He's a victim too. His family dynamic is the reason he is abusive. But he refuses to see anything wrong in the way he conducts himself. I just want to break the cycle in my children. I am already seeing the signs of the illness presenting itself in them. At this point I am still reluctant in my dealings with him. I have 16 years of experience with this man. Now though, I have had 7 years away from him. It's better from this side.

I like cooking with wine-sometimes I even add it to the food.

I have inadvertantly become a hermit.

Anyone that knows me will tell you I am a very outgoing sociable person. I am loud, boisterous and fun loving. Lately, however, when I attempt to make connections, I fall flat. I am finding it is very difficult to make friends at 42. Lacking in the commonality that I relied on in high school, I no longer belong to a particular social group. I am usually among the oldest of students at college. I no longer attend church and Phi Theta Kappa was boring to me.
I do not suffer fools and my standards are high. I have a wicked sense of humor, I read, I make conversation, but most of my human contact consists of people I help in my store at the mall. Simply by virtue of their "consumerism", I tend to find little in common.
My greatest friends lately have been books, especially in the form of biographies.
My companions in the last couple of weeks have been Lord Curzon and his daughters, Alva and Consuelo Vanderbilt, Janice Joplin, W.C. Fields, and Augusten Burroughs.
For sheer obnoxiousness, I would relish a friendship with Burroughs or Fields.
All of these folks are flawed, yet so compelling. I like taking time to look beyond imperfection to find the nugget of sublime bliss. I don't find others around me inclined to the same.
Often I'm sad about my self-imposed exile, but an evening of W.C. Fields is my idea of fun! So, off to Amazon I go to seek him out on DVD.

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

Listening to NPR the other day made me remember Once upon a time I was a young woman perched on the edge of the rest of my life. I was not a privileged child. My Mom made F1 tanks and my grandma cut meat at A&P.
None the less, I had a God given talent in vocal music which reached it's pinnacle in high school. My teacher, Paula Robinson, took me and trained me and more importantly believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. I was training in music performance and even contemplated being an opera singer.I threw it all away on a man.
DUMB!!!!!
Classical music became my life. I devoted a minimum of 3 hours per day to perfecting my craft. I went to solo and ensemble, I rehearsed before and after school. I found myself loving something that I had never been exposed to. My emotions would sway to the music. When performing and really doing it right, I could peer beyond the gilded veil and touch the face of God. That's really what it felt like. I had been allowed entrance to the Holy of Holies. Now my days are spent worrying about making money. I have to, but I still long for once last peek behind that veil.