All the D Words

I have had a lot of time to think since losing my job. I am trying to narrow down what is really important to me.
Here are some of the conclusions I have come to:

#1) I am worshiping at a Catholic church. I like it a lot because the focus, at this church at least, is WORSHIP; nothing but me and God and my relationship to Him. No floor show, no popularity contest, no big screen with graphics, just worship. People come in jeans, suits, fancy and laid back, and all are welcome. No one looks down their nose. I’m really happy here. I look forward to going to Mass every week. I’m not a Catholic, and it doesn’t seem to matter in this congregation. The Father said last week, “all are welcome, whether Catholic, Protestant- all believers in Christ have a home here”
I know the history of the Roman Catholic church, I know their stance on Gay rights, and feminism, but it hasn’t been discussed and I don’t want to politicize my worship. I am certainly not the only person to disagree with them. One lady had her Obama pin on at church and I’m sure she’s not a Conservative either.

#2) I am tired of uncaring people. There seems to be a National Crisis of Selfishness that has permeated our culture. I don’t remember ever feeling this negative about people as I do right now. Wall Street is the penultimate example. “Screw the Nation, just make sure I get mine” I was raised to give, often even if it hurts because, I really believe that God will bless me for it. The old “ there but for the Grace of God go I” mentality. The nastiest thing I find in the Neo-Conservative culture is this attitude that The Haves have because they’re better than the Have Nots. The idea that poor people deserve whatever misery the world gives them, because they’re stupid and maybe just plain bad. Personally, I will plead guilty to stupidity. I was stupid enough to think I had married a man that wouldn’t penalize me for being a stay at home mom by leaving me without an education, setting up all sorts of roadblocks to getting one. I STUPIDLY put my life in the hands of another. But, does this mean there is no redemption for me ? Should I just give up? I did do something in all of the years I was home. I raised two great kids. Not perfect, but loving and kind.

#3) Getting the college thing going is a friggen nightmare! It seems as though the entire process is set up to frustrate participants into giving up on the notion of going at all. My daughter had no problem. Me? The State is making me prove I’m worthy of going to get State money. I’ve ALREADY gone to college. I had really good grades. But I suck at math, hell, I’m downright remedial. So I have to pass a test to get the money. It has me wanting to say “screw it, I’ll pay for it myself.” But I qualify for all of the financial aid there is, so I wouldn’t pay anyway. Always hoops to jump through; I’ll take extra classes, whatever it takes, but no. I have to pass their little test.
Ehhhhh!!!! It’s so frustrating. Bureaucracy reigns! It makes me feel stupid and unworthy.

#4) Will I ever meet people that aren’t jerks, people that read books, think and don’t care solely about the Almighty Dollar? I feel so disenfranchised, disillusioned, detached and devoid of meaningful human interaction.
How can everyone suck? It seems the nicer I am to people, the worse they treat me. I want to retaliate, but I try to rise above, thus leaving me to feel like their “bitch” I’m running out of cheeks to turn folks.


I guess none of this would bother me if I didn’t expect better from the world at large.
So I either compromise my sense of right and wrong, or I spend my life alone. No friends, no mate, an island.