Nightmare

When I was married in 1986, I had visions of a long marriage, children, working to have a nice home, maybe a cottage up north, children's weddings, grandchildren and large family dinners around a family table for Christmas.
I see many of my high school friends enjoying this same dream. They've had divorce, death, tragedy and sadness in their lives too, no doubt.
I've lived the last 15 years like a zombie; I sailed through the last 4 years with my ex trying to hang on to a corpse of a marriage because I didn't know what else to do. When it was mutually decided that the ex should leave, I put my energies into working and going to school. My dream then shifted to getting an education and then fixing my home, getting the kids through school and then college. I lost a job, found a new one and continued in college. Then my house became toxic with black mold. I didn't make enough money to fix the roof, and several homes in my neighborhood had black mold, so the spores found their way into my home. Because of the economy, my commissions- based income went south. The house was the next dream to die. It wasn't the nicest place but it was mine. The house was foreclosed on.
The program I finished in college lead to low paying part time jobs. Another dream died.
I moved to a new flat that was nicer and larger than my house. Then after a year, the job was gone. This dream too was short lived due to poverty. I went to college for nursing but my GPA was only 3.6 and not 4.0 so I didn't make the cut for clinical's. Dead dream.
My daughter moved to Colorado to try and escape Michigan's horror.
I was offered a position working in senior assisted living and then moved nearly 50 miles away to avoid the drive and to be available 24 hours a day to the job. I had to leave my son behind to finish high school, which was heart wrenching.
I have lost the job and another dream dies.
I am moving 160 miles north to live with my parents, work part time and get my bachelors degree in Gerontology. I am a dreamer. I pray that this dream will not turn into yet another nightmare.
The idea of a Holiday dinner spent with family seems like an unattainable fantasy. Thoughts of being an old woman living alone in poverty seem like the future to me now. Any nightmare I've had pales in comparison and my waking hours are far more terrifying than any dream. Will everything I dream end in death?

It's official; I've lost my job.
It actually comes as a relief. With time comes perspective. There were signs from the beginning that this was not the place for me. Without details, suffice to say that the management style of intimidation is not one I have ever found to work efficiently.I am the type of employee that will give 100% for someone that appreciates me and gives me positive encouragement.
Ever the optimist, I am moving to live with my parents so that I can finish getting my degree in Gerontology.I can work part time while in college and then I hope start working in the career that fulfills me. My parents are very supportive and I thank God for them.
My blog will now take a new turn. I will be writing a lot more about my observations of nature, God and family. I will most likely never return to the city life.

Once more with feeling

Things change rapidly. My job is not secure, I am reconsidering my career choice entirely. I do love and adore seniors but I think that I need to work elsewhere.
I have also had to confront some negative personality traits within myself.
I am a brutally honest person. I am no good at game playing and workplace pissing contests. I also can't stomach BS .I also have the tendency to say what I'm thinking, which gets me into trouble. I am working on me during this time of strife. There are no second chances for me here, so sadly, it's time to move on I guess. I have to get past my stinking thinking, wherein my mind tells me I am a horrible loser. I guess it's a learning curve for me. I have only been in the workforce for 10 years this year. I have had a delayed adulthood from my time as a housewife and years of being told how stupid and lazy I was has made me sensitive to criticism. I am getting better and better with this and all I can do is pray that Gd has a plan for me. I may have contributed to the unfavorable outcome with this job but I also realize that I am not the ONLY problematic person in this situation. Is there such thing as a job for an altruistic person that loves senior citizens?