Penne with Asparagus and Lemon

I can't help shake the feeling I am on the verge of something wonderful and exciting.
The new flat, Spring in the air.
I am seeing things as if with new eyes. I found myself transfixed by a lemon. The way it looked, it's fresh scent and the powerful taste and fragrance from the juice.
It pleasured me again in my penne pasta and asparagus, as well as a tall glass of iced water.
I watched Joyce Meyer before bed. She admonished all of us to live simply.It must have stayed on my mind through the night. I woke up to see things in a new light.
Even though my job is crappy right now and moving is a nightmare, I am so excited about my new home,that I have found my mind drifting to it. It represents a new start for me. I can see myself entertaining in it, relaxing it it, and even making love there. The last one especially has been filed away in the back of my mind.I dared not even consider ever allowing myself to dream of relationships. I am quite tentative still, but I find that I am open to the possibility of dating.
I am, not unlike others of my age group, set in my ways. I like doing what I like. My kids are still at home but probably for only another 6 years or so. I find joy in reading books that are a bit removed from the norm, like Forensic Pathology. I obsess over the history of my neighborhood. I enjoy one-sided conversations with my dog, watching ducks with their ducklings, geese with their goslings and swans with their cygnets, hummingbirds at the feeder, and wondering at the inner secrets of Lake St.Clair. I can hardly wait to plant my scarlet lillies, pumpkins and tomatoes in the tiny flower bed in our miniature yard. I like to go on My Space or watch The Chiller Network as well as Forensic Files. I look forward to my pathogenic microbiology class in the Fall. I love being a dork!
I just wonder, can a woman of 42 find someone that will allow me to continue my interests unabated and that will like the quirkiness that I exude? I care, but I will never stop being "me".

Friends of Dorothy

So what's with all of the "gay" links to my blog?
I am not gay. I am straight,although right now, asexual is more to the fact.
My brother is gay. My parents and most of my family are okay with that. My son tells his friends that he has 2 uncles, just like the book where Heather Has Two Mommies.
I am constantly amazed by people that are so freaked out by homosexuality. My former church is my former church partly because of that sort of attitude. I simply don't have time for hate.
They're here- they're queer- get used to it people.
Gay Pride Parade in The D- June 3rd.

Tempest In A Teapot

You'd think after being with someone for 16 years you'd know their M.O.
My ex has a history of ruining every single holiday or birthday during our relationship. So regardless of his insanity, I really believe in retrospect,that his craziness was more apt to be 1) rage in general. He has issues with this.
2) wrecking my birthday, which was the next day after
the confrontation.
I am learning that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. I am DONE being the victim.
My kids are happy, healthy, decent human beings. I may not be a perfect parent, but I am doing my best. My lack of money doesn't mean they're suffering. I guess this is all of the process of making me stronger. His rantings and ravings set me back a bit, but it won't happen next time.
Just like a summer storm, he came in strong and has since blown away.

On a positive note:
I have begun moving things into the apartment. I LOVE THAT PLACE!!!!! I took the dog with me so he can get used to the place and he'll be less likely to flip out when we're there for good.

Also: reading "The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove" by Christopher Moore. If you have a sense of humor, read his books. He's funny and witty. Descriptives such as " her laugh sounded like a metallic hyena" keep me coming back for more.
Or
" Please do not endorken yourself to me. Do not sully your hottie image in my head by further reciting your nerdy scholastic agenda" from You Suck
Just friggen hilarious.

I Will Survive (?)

Although I tend to come off as confident, I have deep fears.
I am moving from my house to a rental. The house became too much for me. The cost is high and it was slowly falling apart. The roof is bad,the driveway collapsed, and the foundation is cracked.
I got married at 21.I went from my Mom,to my ex husband. I had two apartments with my ex, one for a year and another for 12 years. Then this house where my ex lived for less than 2 years. I have lived in this house without my ex since 2000. It was a fixer-upper. But it never got fixed up. I had no money to do it. The economy in Michigan collapsed right along with my house. Although I went to college, I can't find a job in my field.
I got the news that the house was no longer mine. It had been forclosed, then auctioned. The same night, I went online and discovered the rental I now have. I am a firm believer in God's grace and His ability to use what was planned for Evil to be used instead for good. Finding this apartment was a " God Thing"

Now,onto the problem du jour: My ex is acting physchotic. Seriously, in the Cho sort of way. He has decided that "I've had the kids long enough." He'll give me money as long as I " give the kids to him". 3 phone calls to my cell phone Friday night at work. Lots of yelling. But I'm not "supposed to feel threatened". Funny, I do. He never hit me, but it was only a matter of time until it happened. What he did verbally, was as bad as a punch to the face. Just not as easy to see.
So, here's my Achillies Heel: I always feel inadequate.My ex knows that. He always knows which buttons to push. I have support but my parents live 200 miles away. My friends and brother are over in Ferndale. My sister, although capable of killing with her bare hands from Navy training, lives all over the place. They've all "got my back" but considering recent events in Virginia, are any of us safe? No support group can keep you safe from crazy. I have only rare glimpes of feeling safe. Those people either turned out to be anything but,or they've gone away.I try to remember to find security in God. But He doesn't have arms to hold me. He doesn't screen my phone when "Crazy" calls.
I am insecure yes.This is, I suppose, all part of Denise growing up. I am 42,but I was so sheltered,that I'm really like a kid. This is the first apartment I've ever rented on my own. My very first Big Decision, so I'm a little scared.
But who isn't scared of craziness?I just don't know what he might do. He's enraged.
Does anyone ever feel as though they're okay? That they'll survive? They can rely on themselves? Because I never feel that way.

Moving On

Although I haven't picked up the keys , I am already haunted by my new apartment.
It has original features like push button light switches, beveled leaded glass windows, huge sash double hung windows, small closets with little square windows inside apparently for light. The house was built in 1920. It was a single dwelling of appx. 2800 square feet before being split into 2 apartments. I have the upstairs which is 1300 sq. ft.
The first day I looked at the apartment, I heard church bells playing "How Great Thou Art". I asked the agent what church it was and he told me it's St.Ambrose. I feel drawn to this Gothic- Style church. I'm not Catholic, but I do feel compelled to attend worship there and seek solitude for prayer.I don't know if they'll mind a lapsed Lutheran hanging out. Maybe they'll try to convert me?
This entire area is made up of old streets named for original families like Vernor,after the ginger ale folks, Morang,and Allard, ancient churches, and homes built during the time period of the Golden Age of Grosse Pointe ( 1860- 1930). I am surrounded by history, lifestyles of the rich, and culture of a forgotten era.
It does exude a feeling of being haunted. I am very sensitive to this sort of thing and it really doesn't frighten me.I look at it as a welcome distraction since I hate my job and most other facets of my current life. I can lose myself in the past and mix it up with the future.
I have the landlord's permission to rearrange the kitchen and with the addition of my appliances; dishawasher,frige and new countertop with built-in cutting board surface,I will make something workable as a kitchen,which it currently barely passes for. I bought perfect lace curtains for the dining room, and I am searching for a sideboard or buffet for the dining room as well.
I'm nosy and I want to know the history of my home and neighborhood. There is an old library within walking distance to my house.
I'll find the microfiche and I'm not afraid to use it.

Delicious Life

In my mind, life has become a buffet of tantalizing variety.
My life lately has been a daily dose of oatmeal, plain no sugar. Boring, dull, yet filling and healthy. The daily grind of work, clean, pay bills, same old.
In my last post, I referred to losing my home. It happened. My house was foreclosed on, and auctioned off. (That delicacy would probably be raw dandelion greens, bitter.)
Then, doing a search online I found an flat that is bigger and in a better neighborhood, and still in my kids school district. Also, $150 less a month. It is walking distance to The Village of Grosse Pointe, I'll get a Park Pass to one of the best parks the city has to offer.( This tastes like the first ice cream cone of the summer season)
I thought I would be devastated. I figured I'd have to consider the possiblilty of losing my kids because they would opt to live with their dad.
Apparently,none of these are in the works. My kids are excited about moving. I can even take the dog. All of my friends are volunteering their assistance.
The surprise? (The hot fudge ice cream puff when you weren't expecting it) I have a
date for an upcoming wedding. Nothing romantic. Just a really nice guy I can talk to and interrogate for my upcoming book. He has knowledge in the area of police procedure.
Auntie Mame said " Life is a banquet and some poor suckers are starving"
I concur.