Debbie Downer

I have been giving a lot of thought to accusations of being negative. I can, like most people, fall into a fugue. I have been treated for depression especially after my stroke and subsequent brain injury.However, I get really pissed off when people assume that my take on things is in some way a "character flaw".
First of all, I have had several life altering circumstances that were mostly due to other's life choices like my Mom's disaterous marriages, my ex's philandering, and things I had just happen to me like my stroke, losing my home etc. ad nauseum. My outlook is rather colored by those situations. I have definite trust issues and I am the first to admit I am very gun-shy when it comes to people.I was kind of shy as a child and because of things that were said to me by my ex ie: that no one could stand me and I was useless, I feel insecure and unsure of myself. I have had brief periods of really liking myself and also found that "haters" couldn't line up fast enough to knock me back down. As if to say "oh, you feel good about yourself? Well, don't forget, you're still fat and you don't have a job". I know what's wrong with me thanks. I know I have a weight issue although I am convinced it's not problem for me, only others. I know I need a job and that is why I am trying my damnedest to finish my degree and why I fill out applications daily. I always want to scream " THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!! I KNOW I NEED A FRIGGING JOB!!!" I am happiest with a handful of friends, a few acquaintances, and lots of people that I have nothing to do with.Secondly, I was raised to be nice to people, even if you don't mean it or feel like it. I expect the same from others which always is disappointing and leads me to avoid people again for a while. I prefer very real people without pretense and let me tell you, those kind of people are very rare indeed. Everybody has to "front" these days. So, when you want to call me or anyone else negative, just don't. You're only making a situation worse. Try being kind instead and you may change someone's outlook on life, mine included.

Your just can't trust hapiness

People have commented that I seem happier than ever and how glad they are to see that.
That bugged me a lot and then I had to muddle it about in my mind until I understood why.
I lost my job. It was the job that was supposed to be the start of a new career for me.I gave up custody of my son so that he could stay in his school district for his senior year. I moved 50 miles away to live next door to my job. I worked for a less-than- ethical person with dollar signs in front of their eyes and was fired for "talking to the employees" aka telling the truth.After losing my job I had no alternative but to move 186 miles north to live with my parents.
It is not an empowering thing at 46 to run home and live with Mom and Dad. I have a bedroom, food and utilities. I have my dog and guinea pig with me. I am in college full time and i will have my Bachelor's of Science Gerontology degree in appx.5 semesters. I am living on loans so that I am not a burden on my parents. I pay for my insurance, car repair, gasoline, my extra groceries since I eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. I bought a bike too. All of my next loan will buy a car since mine is 18 years old and has 200,000 miles on it and its third engine.
What I am doing is allowing myself to enjoy life more. I have denied myself extras while raising my kids because that's what you do when you're a responsible parent. I hope to help out my parents when they need it in the future after completing my education.
The main component in my ability to enjoy life has been the removal of fear. I don't have homelessness breathing down my neck, and I did have that kind of stress from 2009 to 2011 on a daily basis.
I have been unsuccessful in finding employment up here, even part-time minimum wage jobs. I am not too proud to stock shelves and sweep floors, but I am not getting any response to the countless applications I have filled out, nor the dozens of calls I have made.
I wish that I could find a full time job, finish college and work in my field, live independently and help my Mom and Dad. I work towards that goal and I am prayerful that God has a plan. So I am happy, but it feels like a false happiness. I guess that's why it bugs me. Also, getting rid of negative people has been the best gift I've given myself. I have never been one to be a people pleas(er) and Lord knows that's still what society expects of a woman. Too bad!