The Next Step

Nothing worth doing is easy, boy do I know that!
Trying to get into college is a battle. I have to pass a test given by the state to prove my proficiency of at least 9th grade. Then the pre req.'s, then another test, then I can be accepted into nursing school. I am seriously thinking about RN rather than LPN. It takes longer and as long as my unemployment can hold out, I can do it.
I am attempting to get my computer fixed so I can do my writing, and take online classes as much as possible to save on gas money and time.
I feel altogether too old to be in this position, but I am, so why bitch?
I'll keep everyone posted as to this epic adventure. make your teenagers read this as a lesson of why to continue their education.

The Woods

The recent period following my termination from my job, I spent my time catching up on household duties usually neglected by lack of time. Dealing with the run around necessary to get my needed compensation such as unemployment, food stamps, and 401K
left me feeling overwhelmed and stressed. The anxiety disorder cranks me into a state of neurosis that requires either xanax, prayer, sleep or a combination of all three. I feel, at times, as though I am a criminal trying to steal from someone, with all of the bullshit I go through to get what is rightfully mine.
I decided enough was enough and left for the woods of Northern Michigan and my family. My Dad drives truck across the country, my sister is career Navy and was here on leave, my Mom is the Supervisor of the township in her community.It was great visiting. My Dad had to go back on the road and my sister had to return to Mississippi.
I took the dog out this morning and sniffed the crisp fall air, as I noticed at least 4 species of fungi on the ground.I took notice of the fall colors and all of the acorns on the ground as well as all of the squirrels gathering them for the Winter to come. A thought occurred to me:
While I have been wrapped up in my own world of fear, the natural world has continued on. Nature has followed it's course. The trees are seemingly dying, yet I know this Spring, they will burst forth with new greenery.
My life is in a state of flux, but I have to remember that just as God oversees the needs of the sparrow, He'll also see to mine. I trust God, but not all of the bureaucracy of my government to see to my needs.

Purpose Driven Life?

In a state of personal crisis I have discovered what really makes me feel so anxiety ridden. It’s a big topic.
What is my purpose?
I was a Mom and wife for most of my adult life. Now I have to have a career. I need to be able to support myself. Just having a job is no longer a reality in today’s world.
The corporate retail sales world has rejected me because I’m not money driven and soulless enough to put money before human life.
I know what I’m good at. I put people at ease. I am friendly, outgoing and down to Earth. I feel better about serving others. Just knowing my kindness made someone else feel good is enough for me. I do want to make a difference in the lives of others. I want to feel needed.
I have always felt as though I wasn’t good enough; never enough money, the wrong side of the tracks, not thin enough, not pretty enough. I married a man told me I was NEVER good enough in looks or in value as a wife. I didn’t clean well enough, cook well enough, I didn’t look like a porn star. I drove myself nuts trying to be perfect. My feelings have been reinforced by the world. It’s what the world has told me for 43 years; that I’m useless. My only value seems to be in what I can earn or whatever accolades I can bring to myself. I want to earn a living but I want to do more.
The Bible says :

Romans 8:28
We know that in all things God works for the
good of those who love Him, who have been
called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:24-25
Who hopes for what he already has? But if we
hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it
patiently.

Philippians 2:3-5
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or in vain conceit
but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but
also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same
as Christ Jesus.


To the world, I’m useless. But to God, well, it seems I have a purpose. Just show me the way Lord.

All the D Words

I have had a lot of time to think since losing my job. I am trying to narrow down what is really important to me.
Here are some of the conclusions I have come to:

#1) I am worshiping at a Catholic church. I like it a lot because the focus, at this church at least, is WORSHIP; nothing but me and God and my relationship to Him. No floor show, no popularity contest, no big screen with graphics, just worship. People come in jeans, suits, fancy and laid back, and all are welcome. No one looks down their nose. I’m really happy here. I look forward to going to Mass every week. I’m not a Catholic, and it doesn’t seem to matter in this congregation. The Father said last week, “all are welcome, whether Catholic, Protestant- all believers in Christ have a home here”
I know the history of the Roman Catholic church, I know their stance on Gay rights, and feminism, but it hasn’t been discussed and I don’t want to politicize my worship. I am certainly not the only person to disagree with them. One lady had her Obama pin on at church and I’m sure she’s not a Conservative either.

#2) I am tired of uncaring people. There seems to be a National Crisis of Selfishness that has permeated our culture. I don’t remember ever feeling this negative about people as I do right now. Wall Street is the penultimate example. “Screw the Nation, just make sure I get mine” I was raised to give, often even if it hurts because, I really believe that God will bless me for it. The old “ there but for the Grace of God go I” mentality. The nastiest thing I find in the Neo-Conservative culture is this attitude that The Haves have because they’re better than the Have Nots. The idea that poor people deserve whatever misery the world gives them, because they’re stupid and maybe just plain bad. Personally, I will plead guilty to stupidity. I was stupid enough to think I had married a man that wouldn’t penalize me for being a stay at home mom by leaving me without an education, setting up all sorts of roadblocks to getting one. I STUPIDLY put my life in the hands of another. But, does this mean there is no redemption for me ? Should I just give up? I did do something in all of the years I was home. I raised two great kids. Not perfect, but loving and kind.

#3) Getting the college thing going is a friggen nightmare! It seems as though the entire process is set up to frustrate participants into giving up on the notion of going at all. My daughter had no problem. Me? The State is making me prove I’m worthy of going to get State money. I’ve ALREADY gone to college. I had really good grades. But I suck at math, hell, I’m downright remedial. So I have to pass a test to get the money. It has me wanting to say “screw it, I’ll pay for it myself.” But I qualify for all of the financial aid there is, so I wouldn’t pay anyway. Always hoops to jump through; I’ll take extra classes, whatever it takes, but no. I have to pass their little test.
Ehhhhh!!!! It’s so frustrating. Bureaucracy reigns! It makes me feel stupid and unworthy.

#4) Will I ever meet people that aren’t jerks, people that read books, think and don’t care solely about the Almighty Dollar? I feel so disenfranchised, disillusioned, detached and devoid of meaningful human interaction.
How can everyone suck? It seems the nicer I am to people, the worse they treat me. I want to retaliate, but I try to rise above, thus leaving me to feel like their “bitch” I’m running out of cheeks to turn folks.


I guess none of this would bother me if I didn’t expect better from the world at large.
So I either compromise my sense of right and wrong, or I spend my life alone. No friends, no mate, an island.

Sarah- Smile- cuz that's all you know how to do

I found this online

Palin said if she and John McCain win, they will “put government back on the side of the people of Joe Six-pack like me.”

Palin said she and her husband, Todd, have been affected by the economic downturn.

“The relatively low number of investments that we have, looking at the hit that we’re taking, probably $20,000 last week in his 401(k) plan that was hit. I’m thinking, geez, the rest of America, they’re facing the exact same thing that we are,” she said.

“I know what Americans are going through,” she said a day after a record 778-point plunge on Wall Street. “Todd and I, heck, we’re going through that right now even as we speak, which may put me again kind of on the outs of those Washington elite who don’t like the idea of just an everyday, working-class American running for such an office.”

Palin makes $125,000 yearly as governor, and her husband makes about $90,000 a year combined from his commercial fishing business and his part-time job as a production operator on the North Slope.

Doesn’t sound like an average Joe to me.

I have always known that the Republican party regards me, as a woman, and especially as a stay-at-home mom, to be a simple creature that must be guided by A MAN, because I lack the intelligence to make an informed decision regarding my vote. After all... I'm only a woman right?
Guess what you crazy bitch- that $20,000 hit your retirement account took, well that's all I made in a year. I worked my ass off to sell shit to people that didn't need it, drove 30 miles one way to do so, and in the end was given the shaft. I am starting over at 43 in a new career path. What's the likelihood I'll ever get to retire huh?
I'm not stupid. I am a member of Phi Theta Kappa, I have an IQ of 142 but, I am poor and working class. I was told by a person at Michigan Works that a "good" paying job was $8.50 and hour. I said sure, as long as I can live in my car.
The Republicans, as well as many others, have absolutely NO GRASP on what an average American has to do to earn a living. Not to say that the Democrats have that firm of an idea. Nor have I found anyone financially comfortable necessarily having empathy for those with less.I can't tell you how many folks are surprised that I'm intelligent because I don't have a degree.
We as women aren't fooled McCain- She may be a woman, but she's still Republican. And for the record- I don't drink Six packs either. I prefer a nice white wine.

UPDATE: After watching the debate, I liken Sarah Palin to the insipid cheerleaders from high school: Pretty to look at, not a lot going on between the ears. Rather cultlike with her "John McCain says" POV. All in all- scary. I dislike her as much as Hillary. ( See, I'm non- partisan)