A Reason To Get Up

I am one of those people always looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing to happen. I know it's coming and I'll keep myself on edge looking for it.
Let's face it, there's never enough money or time in life. I tend to live in either denial about my finances or in sheer terror. I simply cannot live like most of my friends. I don't have the means. I can't drop a $100 on a family visit to the waterpark, or even spend the money to go to the movies. It simply isn't there. The denial comes when I feel as though I should have some discretionary income. I spend and then I fall behind.That's when the terror begins. I am resolving to keep myself on task and within my means.
I have to and here's why;I have been sick since I lived in my mold infested home, which I lost to foreclosure. I slept in a bedroom blanketed with mold in the attic and in my closet. I spent nights sleeping on one side of my bed while a pan caught the dripping water on the other side of my bed. I was very sick with pneumonia several times and my immune system hasn't been the same ever since. Living in such a way gave me an inkling of what homelessness would be like. The horror of living in something unihabitable, never knowing whether you would even have that miserable place as shelter. My unemployment will run out in 6 months. I need to find job that will pay at least $1000 a month and work around my college schedule. My nursing degree is the thing that gives me hope for a future, so it is THE priority.
These are the things that keep me from living life joyfully. It all comes down to fear. I have a reasonable fear of where my poverty could lead to. I have seen people in my same situation fall by the wayside into homelessness and misery, and I am realistic enough to know that a simple click of my heels and wishing on a star isn't going to change things.
The unreasonable fears keep me from doing anything at all. I have this idea that I cannot enjoy anything until I have absolute security.That "God" will get me for enjoying myself when my life is hanging by a thread.I'm not sure there will ever be such a time. But I do know that life isn't worth living if I can't enjoy some of it.
I am poor and often sick, but like most folks, I want to feel as though there is something worth getting up for. I'm still looking, but I can't find it.