God Bless The Child That's Got His Own

I had a customer today that used to be a member of my former church, so we're both "formers".I asked how his brother was, as he'd been in an accident that was nearly fatal. That led to his telling me that his brother had left the church too.
I guess I was just one of the first in a long line of "leavers"
This church wasn't evil. It had been started by a dozen families. It was oriented towards a personal touch, loving others in Christ's name. Amidst the growing many of us became disillusioned by our church. No longer was there a sense of belonging, knowing someone had your back. What was left was a sense that your tithe envelope better be full, and just what were you doing to help out. I was a big helper until my divorce. I was working full time for the first time ever at 36. I had a 11 yr old and a 8 yr old at the time. I had begun college. 3 yrs later I was finishing college, working full time, doing a 12 hour a week externship , and relying heavily on financial assistance from my church. I began to get the feeling that they were sick of helping me and felt I wasn't "worthy" of such help. Every time I asked for help, I was met with an enquiry, not unlike you get from social services as in " just why do you think we should help you?" I had been led to believe that Christ helps his followers through His church. I, being well below the poverty line, needed help not unlike the poor widows in the parables. But I could never escape the feeling that I was annoying them.
I didn't have deep pockets to donate. I wasn't glamorous, rich, successful, so I no longer fit their image. Plus, I wasn't a "sheep" in the sense of a blind follower either.
I had to drive 26 miles to go to this church. ONE WAY! I decided that the time had come to leave. I had felt God had wanted me to leave nearly a year before, but I held on out of fear because they were helping me. Just as God can use what Satan intends for harm, to change and be for the good, the opposite can also be true. Satan can use Christ's own church to do harm. Only if they let him.
I was only there because I didn't know if I could survive without the help. But I didn't recognise where this church was going anymore, and the drive was killing me. We left and I have taken a sabbatical from church. I still believe in Christ, but His "church" on Earth here, leaves a bit to be desired.
I have found comfort in a group of people that give all outward appearances of the Fruits of the Spirit-patience, kindness, love, joy, peace, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and gentleness. Not one of them is a Christian. In fact, they describe themselves as Atheists.I have never felt as loved and accepted by the "flock of Christ" as I do these friends. They love me and encourage me. They open their arms to me and don't judge me.
I find I need to Worship. I am a child of God. I want to worship. But, it's hard trusting again. I prefer to attend but not join churches now. I can observe, but I don't have to put myself out there to be let down. Kind of why I find dating to be so odorous. Rather not try than be rejected. But, that's no way to live life at all. So try again I shall. Both in love and in church.