While longing for companionship and feeling lonely, I find that I am probably in need of self-induced exile from this world.
I need to stop looking for people to fulfill me, because they always disappoint and lead me to believe I am unworthy of their time. I have a lot of anxiety about doing things by myself. Partly because I am insecure,partly because I have had some unfortunate incidents of public humiliation that cause even more anxiety.
I have a lot to do including; organizing my house, looking for a better paying job that will allow me to remain in my home, writing my book, college in fall,getting my yard in shape, and keeping my kids from running amok. (My kids have 2 parents,but the other one is not all that involved.)
I have always looked outside of myself for completion. I certainly wasn't enough. The media tells me daily how I am not worthy of love or anything good life has to offer. I'm too fat, not educated enough,too poor, and too dorky.
I think perhaps it is time for me to just make myself feel comfortable with being alone. Just to know I am okay because I am a creation of God. That should be good enough, but in the past has just left me feeling unloved, unappreciated and depressed. I feel as though I am only usefull to people when I am giving of myself,but I have no right to expect anything in return,like kindness or friendship.It's expected of me,just not returned.
I know I am a good person. I just feel as though no one else knows or cares. I am an intelligent person.I just don't "get" people.