Empty Nest

Life often goes into weird cycles.
I have spent the last 10 some years busting my butt with college and working jobs for people that thought of me as an expendable commodity. My worth valued only in how much money I made for them and how much butt I kissed. I did all of this so that my kids could have what they needed. Often, it didn't work very well and they went without what they found valuable. I tried to keep them in their childhood home but the repairs were too costly since I worked the kind of crappy job one gets after being a stay-at-home mom for 10 years. The house grew nasty black mold, made me sick as hell and I had to let it go into foreclosure. We moved into a nice place, well, nice at first. Spacious and in a good neighborhood, allowing my kids to stay in Grosse Pointe schools. In 2008, I lost my job and spent 2 years on unemployment, fell behind and then no longer had child support for my daughter. I could no longer afford that place either.
A year ago I began working in my chosen field; I assist in managing an assisted living home. I love my work and it's fulfilling to make a difference. I also moved into a 2 bedroom condo that I can afford, I walk 102 steps to work, and my utilities are less than half than I was paying in Grosse Pointe Park. I am financially stable now.
My daughter has moved to Colorado in order to figure out what she wants to do. My son stayed with his dad. I am alone for the first time in 25 years. I enjoy many facets of it, but I find myself envious of friends that are still close to their kids. I have become a pariah to mine. It's too soon to tell if this will be a permanent thing, but I have to look back and reevaluate whether making them THE PRIORITY was such a great move. I try to keep in touch, but one kid is far away and another is seemingly shunning me. All I can say is that I did my best.

Half a dozen

It's been a whirlwind of activity since I moved. I am in a constant state of learning and along with a lifetime of experience I have determined several things to be true.

1) People will work hard if they feel as though what they do is valuable and they are valued.Threats, bad treatment and rude behavior never leads to a positive work environment, To quote a movie I have found to be very true to life in the business realm, "That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled; that, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired."- Office Space

2) I don't mind living by myself. It has it's lonely moments and sometimes I wonder how healthy it is that my main source of engagement is with a 9 year old dog.

3) I have made a human friend that I finally feel is a decent, honest, TRUE friend- a rare commodity indeed.

4)Getting my bachelors degree is more important than ever!

5) My "religious" life is very important to me and has been neglected because of my working hours and lack of transportation, but now that my car is running again, I can return to worship; the downside is that I can only go at 7:30 a.m. on Saturdays- sigh.

6)I find that I really like myself more and more.

Make your move

Just when I was discouraged, God allowed an wonderful opportunity to present itself and my life is looking great again.
I have been driving 420 miles a week for a job that nets $22,000 annually.This is causing me to live in poverty, although my lifestyle is kept to a minimum.
I noticed that there was a rental sign on a condo next door to my place of employment. I called just to see what it was renting for, to find that it was $150 less a month than my current place. I will save another $400 a month in gas money. The utilities and my car insurance are cheaper and my commute to work is about 300 feet. It is a two bedroom, bath and a half condo with all new appliances and carpet. I am deliriously happy and have begun the de-junking and will begin the packing Monday. Move in day is April 28th and I consider this the best birthday present ever! The only drawback is that my son has 6 weeks of school to finish, but he'll be staying with his dad. Hopefully that will go well.

The Spiraling Effect of Poverty

The tale all begins with a horrible marriage,a lack of higher education, and a newly divorced mom. The mom worked retail,making next to nothing, and worked hard to complete her education. Then the bottom dropped out of the economy. The jobs market got worse, so the college program she had worked so hard to get was worthless. The mom kept working at her retail job until she was within one week of full vestment in the companies benefit/ retirement/ stocks program. Then the company fired her. The mom lost her home and moved to a nice apartment. She began the process of going to college with the assurance that she would be able to get an RN's license. She worked hard and continuously looked for work. In those 2 years, the federal government played games with unemployment,often receiving no money for a month, the mom got behind in her bills. She went for 3 weeks in late fall without heat, and was blessed by the Society of St. Vincent De Paul, who got her caught up with utilities.Then she found out that although she had a 3.6 GPA,it wasn't good enough to get into the clinicals part of nursing, which required a 4.0. The mom now has $20,000 debt for a degree she can never get. She was blessed to get a job again, although $3 less per hour than the promised rate. The mom drove 84 miles round trip daily to earn $22,000 a year. Now behind in rent, the mom has to pay double rent to get caught up. Recently, the mom had to pay a ticket, but because of a paperwork snafu, she didn't get her child support. Child support owed has now reached $1200. Her license was suspended. While still waiting for the money to pay the ticket and fine, she was pulled over by The Macomb Co. Sheriff, who randomly ran her plates. Thankfully, the mom didn't have to go to jail, but they did impound her car.
The moral of this story? Poverty causes devastation. Quit hating the poor. We know that corporate America, many Republicans and State Governors wants us gone, but is America a Fascist country? It sure feels like one to me. So when Pontiac Michigan is taken over and becomes The City of Bud Light, don't act surprised. That's what our Governor has planned for Michigan.

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.- Voltaire

A new year usually calls for a reevaluation of my life's journey.
I have made baby steps in self esteem this last year. By trial and error I know exactly how much bullshit I am willing to deal with; that would be NONE. I am in a good place about my worth as a human being. I am smart, funny, caring and naughty; all in all, a good combination. The only issue remaining is my body image. That has been a lifelong issue. I was always the chubby girl and I grew into an obese adult. I am changing my eating habits and trying to incorporate exercise into my plan. I need to follow a very strict nutrition regimen in order to lose weight.
I have yet to determine what sort of relationship I want, or if I want one at all. I like the idea of having someone to date, but I really like having little to no drama in my life and I wonder if the two are compatible.
I adore my new job and I hope to continue my education in Gerontology and advance in my position.
I foresee a move in the near future. My place is too expensive due to the 84 mile daily round trip to work. Nearly a third of my pay goes into my gas tank and I get 30 MPG. Being closer to work would be better, but I am not sure where I am going to live- I am SO NOT a country gal, so Romeo or Almont are probably never going to happen. Ferndale is a possibility, but it only shaves 20 miles off of the drive. On the plus side, I can rent cheaper than Grosse Pointe and I am still close to the city.
There's a lot still hanging regarding my life right now, but I am feeling optimistic about it for a change.

Outside Myself

I can unabashedly say that I am a great singer. It's the only thing I have a God- given talent for really. A major element in singing is putting forth a piece of yourself in the song- that's the part that makes you shudder when you hear it- the bearing of the soul. I am very good at this.
In daily life, I suck at it. I invariably bear my soul to those that stamp upon it. I trust the wrong person every time. The pain of CONSTANT rejection has taught me to trust no one. When I do , I ALWAYS get screwed. Those smarter than me say I have to "put myself out there" "be confident", but that doesn't work for me. I am an awkward person when it comes to connections of the heart. And I seem to attract only the worst person for me.
The song I'd pick for my theme song is "Outside Myself" by k.d. Lang
Here is a link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQYppJnbllk

Autophobia

Life has consistently taught me one thing- I'm better off keeping people at arms length. The writer in me craves interaction; the injured being that I am requires me to distance myself. The profoundly deep feeling that " I'm just not good enough" that was reinforced throughout my marriage.
I wish it weren't that way. My friends have the ability to have intimacy, while I find it to be a painful, degrading episode. The very moment I begin to feel as though I can be like other people, I get smacked down by the reality that I am not acceptable. If my outlook is one of protective loathing of human contact, at least I can avoid the pain of rejection.