Outside Myself

I can unabashedly say that I am a great singer. It's the only thing I have a God- given talent for really. A major element in singing is putting forth a piece of yourself in the song- that's the part that makes you shudder when you hear it- the bearing of the soul. I am very good at this.
In daily life, I suck at it. I invariably bear my soul to those that stamp upon it. I trust the wrong person every time. The pain of CONSTANT rejection has taught me to trust no one. When I do , I ALWAYS get screwed. Those smarter than me say I have to "put myself out there" "be confident", but that doesn't work for me. I am an awkward person when it comes to connections of the heart. And I seem to attract only the worst person for me.
The song I'd pick for my theme song is "Outside Myself" by k.d. Lang
Here is a link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQYppJnbllk

Autophobia

Life has consistently taught me one thing- I'm better off keeping people at arms length. The writer in me craves interaction; the injured being that I am requires me to distance myself. The profoundly deep feeling that " I'm just not good enough" that was reinforced throughout my marriage.
I wish it weren't that way. My friends have the ability to have intimacy, while I find it to be a painful, degrading episode. The very moment I begin to feel as though I can be like other people, I get smacked down by the reality that I am not acceptable. If my outlook is one of protective loathing of human contact, at least I can avoid the pain of rejection.

Once again- The Holidays * sigh*

Get Me Through December
Lyrics: Gordie Sampson & Fred Lavery
Based on the melody 'Neil Gow's Lament For The Death of His Second Wife'

How pale is the sky that brings forth the rain
As the changing of seasons prepares me again
For the long bitter nights and the wild Winter day
My heart has grown cold my love stored away
My heart has grown cold my love stored away

I've been to the mountain left my tracks in the snow
Where souls have been lost and the walking wounded go
I've taken the pain no girl should endure
But faith can move mountains of that I am sure
Faith can move mountains of that I am sure

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Just get me through December
So I can start again

No divine purpose brings freedom from sin
And peace is a gift that must come from within
I've looked for the love that will bring me to rest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest
Feeding this hunger beating strong in my chest

Get me through December
A promise I'll remember
Just get me through December
So I can start again

Friend or Foe?

FRIEND
1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement:
5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.
tr.v. friend·ed, friend·ing, friends
1. To add (someone) as a friend on a social networking website.
2. Archaic To befriend.


I have given a lot of thought to friendship lately. I find that while I have many acquaintances, I have only a handful of friends. For me a friend doesn't even need to be someone I spend a lot of time with. One such person lives in NYC, and I have seen him once in the last 25 years, but we are kindred spirits, as thus, I consider him a friend.
I am one of those folks on Facebook. I really like it. I can keep in touch with several friends and family members. The dark side however is that is has made my life accessible by people that I would not ordinarily deign to bother with. Two-faced, mean, rude and negative people have invaded my sanctuary. I tend to observe them for a while like some sort of specimen, and then when I can stand it no more, I hide, block or delete them. If it were only that simple in real life.

NO FAT CHICKS

I wish I had a better body.Losing weight is a very slow process for me. I can count on sucess only through drastic means like forgoing all carbs and a 75% raw diet, which has it's own unattractive side-effects.
I wish I had the ego most men have too. Seems every guy I meet is looking only for "perfection", especially the kind that can only be acheived through plastic surgery. I meet very few men that even inspire ANY sort of interest, but when I do it's great. Then I chit chat and get to know them. BAM- then it's all out on the table- they only find a certain type that is good enough to date; the body of a 15 year old with gigantic DDD boobs, tons of facial surgery and of course NO BODY FAT! This is from men that look to weigh as much as a defensive tackle. I don't get it?
So only perfect specimens are good enough? Those of us with body fat, great personalities, attractive and smart- we aren't even in the running? Everything I read about dating says " confidence is everything", but how confident are you going to be knowing the person you're interested in wouldn't look twice at you? This is why it's just easier to avoid relationships altogether for me. I just can't measure up.

Living Homeless Style

I have been without electricity for nearly a week now. Up until yesterday I was running my refrigerator from a cord plugged into the neighbors basement, they gave me permission when they moved. Now the utilities have transferred to my landlord and hence his building management company, so they pulled the plug and padlocked the basement door. I can still get in there because there is a hole between the rooms they don't know about, but I am sucking it up and doing without. My case worker assures me that my power will be back on by Thursday or Friday. I am certain of nothing.
All of this happened because I was unemployed for 2 years and paid sporadically. DTE usually sends shut off notices and then your case worker will help you with payments. They NEVER SENT ME ONE FOR OVER A YEAR and thus I could never get the assistance I needed before it got to be over $2000. I bought a propane heater and a camping lantern that runs on D batteries. I still have gas and can cook and shower. I have an oil lamp and I am currently at the library charging my phone, and laptop as well as blogging. I clean and cook during daylight, and I work days, so all I can do at night is bundle under my 3 comforters,listen to my battery operated radio and read. But now my son is sick. that changes everything. I have to take care of him. He has been staying with friends, but he has to come home now. I had to call in at work and miss a day. I don't have sick days or personal days, so I don't get paid. This is exactly how people become homeless- things spiral out of control and then they're on the streets. This is my waking nightmare. I continue to work with DHS, St. Vincent DePaul and work. I want to be a productive, working member of society. I just have to get through this. With God's Grace, I will.
I pray there is a special place in Hell for DTE management, right along side with Hitler and pals. They have blood and burnt babies on their hands.

It's a just a fantasy

The new job is all encompassing. When I am there, I barely find time to go to the bathroom or eat. All of my time is spent dealing with paperwork, cooking, organizing or interacting with the residents. I get two glorious days off and spend one of them cleaning up after my "kids". I use my time in the one hour drive to and from work, to think up stories, so I am back to the writing. I guess whatever the situation, I use my writing as a means of mental escape. Now just to find a way to make a living doing it and I will have reached my ultimate goal. I am writing again, and that's a great feeling!