Rising From The Ashes

I have been in an ongoing quest to rid myself from anxiety. Part of this process is identifying the sources of anxiety. This has been painful, insightful, cleansing and makes me feel even more anxious.
I can work through my insecurities from my weight and my looks. I can actually deal with that. Being fat can change and I'm not hideous.
My biggest source of anxiety is my inability to find employment. I have unemployment through the summer, as long as all of the expected extensions go through the Senate. Then, however, I am on my own. If I can't get a job to make at least $400 a month, I will be evicted, my son will be forced to live with his dad,and I will have to move in with my parents up north, where I can finish my education, but my possibilities of employment will be even less. I try to remain hopeful, but this is the source of my major anxiety, insomnia and digestive problems. Plain and simple; STRESS. This stress and feeling of being a complete loser keeps me from wanting to be near other people. I am very fragile and fearful. I actively avoid people because I need to believe in myself, trust in God and I have a history of letting other's define me. I am going to keep working on me and part of that is surrounding myself with kind and caring people Also being strong enough to not allow others to make me feel bad about myself. I am doing my part in looking for employment and I am trusting in God, but I know God isn't a Genie to grant wishes, and even those with Faith can lose everything.

Antisocial

Since high school, I have always felt like an outsider. I like different things than most people, I don't indulge in "fake" behaviors. I am what I am. I say what I feel and I mean what I say.
Lately I have been avoiding people even more than normal and it has me worried. I have been suffering with anxiety for a few years now. I think to some extent, I've always had it. I really would rather stay home than go out most of the time. I miss human interaction so I do go out, but groups of people really put me off.
I know a lot of it is insecurity. I wasn't the "cute" girl in HS. I only had one boyfriend in HS and he was gay (literally). I never fit in and I marched to my own tune even then.
What I am trying to sort out is whether I am doing something to make others dislike me, or whether I am just too "sensitive". Part of me really wants to know, but the other part of me wants to shut the door and be alone.

Defective

After a great deal of thought, a little research, and several confrontations initiated by hateful conservatives, I have decided that this "new" conservatism is nothing but old fashioned social Darwinism. Survival of the fittest.
So, if you're gay, old,fat, disabled, sick, mentally challenged, or in any way less than perfect- you need to just go away and die already. It's the right thing to do.(sarcasm) They stop short of concentration camps, but who knows- I can envision Rush as Karl Fritzsch.
See what you think. Here are some links:


http://www.scrapbookpages.com/AuschwitzScrapbook/History/Articles/Birkenau01.html

http://www.trueorigin.org/holocaust.asp

http://newsbusters.org/blogs/warner-todd-huston/2008/05/07/new-study-conservatives-are-happier-because-they-hate-everyone

There but for the grace of God go I.......

I am very determined to get employment by April. I will be applying for jobs daily instead of weekly and trying to get out and apply in my immediate area. I have classes Mon and Wed mornings and Tue and Thur afternoons. I will also be sticking to a regimen of writing so that I can finish my book.
All of the hate filled tea-baggers will be thrilled to note that I no longer get Medicaid and I get $50 a month in food stamps. I will be buying 90% of my food from www.angelfoodministries.com ,and I thank God that they are around. I have worked since my ex left the family and I want to do so again. I am used to being poor and that doesn't frighten me, but homelessness does. I will be homeless if I cannot find at least part-time employment. It's easy for many to be flippant about poverty, but try living that way for a while. I drive a 15 year old car, I have no credit cards, I rent month to month,and can rarely afford to buy clothes and fear is a daily opponent.
I am strong willed, determined to succeed and hard working. I am faithful to God and kind to others, but guess what? That doesn't mean I can't be homeless, hungry or sick. Frighteningly, you can't be that certain either. I guess that's why you like to attack me?

Thanks for kicking me while I'm down

I have taken crap for some time now because I've needed to get my income from unemployment and DHS ( food stamps, medicaid) and it makes me wonder what causes this sort of aggression?
One viewpoint is that people are fearful to succumbing to your fate so they pretend it could never happen to them. They tend to also subscribe to the "click your heels" mentality that states " stay positive and positive things will happen for you". Sounds great in a fairy tale world, but doesn't work so well in this one. I do believe in trying to stay positive, but just like being of a certain religious persuasion doesn't save you from disaster, just feeling positive won't either, sorry.
The other, nastier viewpoint is that I am somehow a loser, and un- American to have lost my job and applied for welfare.These are the same folks that like to go to "tea-bag" parties and bitch about all of the lowlifes, like me, that are trying to ruin their ability to make money and not pay taxes.I guess I shouldn't
have lost my job- well, I'd rather have a job but the company I work for likes to get rid of employees that can take advantage of vestment in the company, so they fired me one week before I could. I only made 20K a year with them,full time.
I paid into welfare for the 9 years I worked full time after my divorce. I went to college to get a better job, but when the economy went to hell, so did my job prospects. I go to college full time now and hope to get a full time job and pay taxes again, because I'm not one of the elite that gets away with not paying them.
I try not to get frustrated but I am fed up with blowhard conservatives flinging their shit on me and wide eyed optimists insisting that if I envision success, I'll be successful. Bullshit..... If I work really hard and think positively, I'll be successful. The difference is, when I get my job, I won't be a friggin jerk to those that are still struggling.

Sick of being sick

First week back to classes after Christmas and I caught the flu. It started with a sore throat, progressed on to a runny nose, headache, cough and fever. This time I was very careful about taking natural meds and tried Mucinex. I have to say that Wellness Formula from Source Naturals is what helped me to get better faster. Since I'm asthmatic, I usually get a secondary infection,most often bronchitis or pneumonia. My glands were swollen and I took 2 WF, 3X a day. My glands went down and I am pretty much better after 4 days. I also took EmergenC 2X a day and drank a lot of liquids, ate chicken soup and the usual home remedies.
Now I need to find a way to boost my immune system so that I don't catch something so often. I had the flu in the Spring and Fall last year and in the Fall it was the
H1N1. I seem to get sick a lot and I worry that my career aspirations as a nurse may be derailed by this repeated illness.

Good News

Finally some GOOD NEWS! I have gotten food stamps, assistance with utilities ( which kept me from being shut off) and an increase in child support. This means I will have enough money to pay my rent on time, pay for my utilities, and have enough money to buy my son shoes and clothing.
We haven't gone hungry, but I have been very creative in stretching the food to last. Food stamps will mean that I can buy fresh fruits and vegetables weekly and stay on an eating plan that will allow me to lose the weight necessary for my health. I can relax and bit and enjoy the holidays too.
The last of the anxiety lies in the stress of needing a job by the end of February, when my unemployment is exhausted. I am praying and accepting the many prayers of others on my behalf. I have never been desirous of wealth but rather just to be able to pay my bills and have a nice place to live and decent food to eat. My car is 15 years old and on it's last legs. I need it to last until God provides a way for me to buy another one. God is in charge but I am doing my part- I am actively seeking a job, going to college and getting A's and B's. The rest is in His hands.