You're What?

I have been asked recently by family members and even by the church, why I want to be Catholic. I had to struggle for several months with the decision and an answer.
First, after being part of a church that was in a community I no longer lived in, it was important to be involved in a local church. This church is 6 doors down the street. My former church was part of the affluent suburbs and not very understanding of those struggling to make a living. This church is very close, I can walk there and it’s made up of people in my own neighborhood and town. I know them and they know me. There is no pretence. I don’t have to be embarrassed that I’m not rolling in money, and that I don’t have nice clothes to wear to church. People come to Mass in jeans, dresses, suits, and sweat pants. What they wear is irrelevant.
Secondly, there is a nasty underbelly to the “Worship Leading” going on in some churches. I was part of it at one time and found myself uneasy. The ugly side to some of this Worship is that it is pure showmanship. “Ooo, look at me, see how reverent and led by the Holy Spirit I am. Why, it makes me lift up my hands, shed a tear, and stop everything to focus on Him (me).” I know acting when I see it and I’d had my fill. It’s nice to find a church that worships with classical music, up in the loft, being led by local talent and a choir director that teaches music at Wayne State University. Strings, horns and organ, it’s all there and there is interesting and culturally diverse choir music.
One of the things I love is symbolism and the Catholic Church has tons of it. There s a reason behind everything they do; the procession, the holding aloft the body of Christ, the colors worn by the priests, and the Feasts that we seemingly endlessly celebrate. There is some of that in other churches, but not as richly presented.
The real questions seem to pertain to my former Protestant/ Lutheranism. Okay, I have been a Lutheran for 30 years. When I began in the Lutheran Church, the biggest difference between Catholic and Lutheran worship were the lack of prayers to The Virgin Mary and The Saints. Otherwise, it was nearly exact, which is why I know the responsive words to the priest’s cantor. Our pastors wore cassocks just like the priests and in Catechism class, we learned about the saints (with a little s) and the symbols used in the church as well as the Lutheran Symbolism. I have always been interested in symbolism, history and traditions so a return to this in the Catholic Church feels familiar.
Finally, I have always been rebellious and I am one of those people who are seemingly full of contradictions while I prefer to view them as contrasts. I consider myself to be a feminist. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, but I am personally conflicted. I DO believe that the “products” of abortion are, in fact, a child. I do not stand in the way of others who believe differently. I think priests should be able to marry and women should be able to become priests. I also believe in equal rights for same sex couples and feel they should be embraced like everyone else by the church. I have found that in this church, I can have opinions that differ and I don’t have to fear excommunication or being shunned. There are a lot of people there that have differing opinions. I don’t feel like taking my toys and playing elsewhere. The Catholic Church has made changes but admittedly slow. I can live with that. I may be one of the voices that force change. The fighting that Luther did, led to the demise of those stupid Indulgences or “Get out of Hell Free Cards” the Catholic Church used to sell. Luther and others, confronted the sexual frolicking of the priests, the Popes fathering children, and the convents that were little different from brothels and in doing so, forced change. (Read a World Lit Only By Fire) Our RCIA teacher knows the history of the church quite well and says its proof positive of God’s existence, that being as corrupt as it was, God allowed the Catholic Church to continue. Because I’ve read a lot about the Reformation from varying sides, I know there are skeletons in nearly ALL of the closets of the churches of today.
My kids are cranky about having to eat fish during Lent, my plans of following a fast, and me pestering them to go to Mass with me. They don’t like me being different. They aren’t entirely surprised. Our living room is full of Jesus in two paintings and loads of candles with Saints and The Blessed Virgin, a Virgin snow globe and several books on Christianity. I’m not dumping Protestantism; I’m embracing Catholicism, so shoot me.
I HAVE decided to become Catholic and on March 1st, I will go to Detroit to the Cathedral of the Most Blessed Sacrament, for a ceremony called The Rite of Election in which the church says “We accept you”. I’m very excited to take my first communion as a Catholic on Easter Vigil Saturday night, with or without the blessing of friends and family. I’ve never been known to “go with the flow” all that well and they should know that by now.

Christmas time is here

Things are looking up in my meager financial situation. I will still get some food stamps and my kids and I can stay on Medicaid. I am all registered for college which begins January 14th. I don't know where I am financially with college though. If I have to take out loans, so be it.
This might actually be the first Christmas I've enjoyed, poverty and all, in nearly 9 years. I'm not working retail, so it's not the over- commercialized pile of poop it normally is for me. My plans are a family evening Christmas eve, Midnight Mass at St. Ambrose and Christmas day at my brother's. I have no money, half a tank of gas left and the food stamps are long gone,but it's still nicer than dealing with the obnoxious consumerism of the mall and the mall zombies that suck all of the meaning out of the holiday.
I finally get to enjoy Christmas again! That's worth more than money can buy!

Hesitate to Burn the Buildings

I was inspired to write this blog after a forum was inadvertently started by the Facebook comment of a friend. I do not live right in Detroit, but if I walk to the end of my street and down two streets on Jefferson, I am in the city. I have a vested interest in what happens to Detroit.
So many people view the auto industry's decline as something outside of themselves that can't touch them either because they don't work for the industry or live in or near Detroit. Those people are sadly mistaken and foolish.
When 3 Million people could lose their jobs, not only will the infrastructure of Detroit collapse, so will the country.
I see the faces of those living in the state that aren't just struggling, but rather are homeless, starving, freezing and hopeless. There are 2 intersections near my home where there are folks begging either for food or work to get food. Yeah, some of them are drunks, druggies, the mentally ill. But there's a new face to poverty.
These kids in Detroit are homeless. Perhaps their parents are drunks, druggies or whatever, but they aren't. It is just a plausible that their parents are the unskilled labor let go by the auto industry. Flint collapsed and Michael Moore made a movie about what happened to those people.
One hideous point always made is about what auto workers make and how it's not fair that "unskilled" people make so much. So how much should those of us in the serfdom be allowed to make? What sort of lifestyle should be an allowable amount? $10 an hour?
Take me for example:
My crime? I was a house wife that got left in the dust with two kids then 7 and 10.
I was a house wife from age 25 to 35. I took care of my home and kids. Then my ex decided he wanted out. I have no skills other than sales. I couldn't keep up with my bills. I lost my house to foreclosure. I made $20,000 a year including child support. Now in 2008, I made the same amount of money and I moved to an apartment.
Then I lost my job. Now I make $1200 a month. Keep in mind, I have a certification as a medical assistant. I can't find a job. I am currently going back to school through a State funded program called No Worker Left Behind. But Michigan is in finacial trouble so the funding could dry up very quickly.
I have a 15 year old car that breaks down all of the time. I can barely afford insurance. My rent is $825 a month. My utilities are $200. Food is $400. I don't even make that much. I also have a cell phone that is $50 for unlimited minutes.
I don't have a home phone, cable, a computer,or internet. I only get new clothes when my tax return comes in Spring. My jeans are literally 12 years old. My kids work in the summer to buy their clothes. They only get new things at Christmas and for Birthdays, and not from me.
The state says that because my daughter has a part time job, I am going to lose my food stamps,and Medicaid. She may be moving out because if she has to give me her money, college is out for her.I am not homeless and I thank God everyday that I'm not, but for those of you in your secure little lives: look around- we're not so different from you. As a retail manager I did have more than one person with a MA come to my store looking for work at minimum wage.The next time you're feeling smug just remember:YOUR TOWN MAY BE NEXT AND YOU MAY BECOME THE NEW FACE OF POVERTY.

Damned if I do

In my fight to make a life for my kids and I , I have hit head first into another obstacle.
I owed money for State taxes last year. I tried to make arrangements to pay after my federal return this year, but they decided to yank it out of my unemployment. keep in mind I only get $900 a month to live on. So no money until December for me. Oh and since my daughter works part time to pay for college, the state yanked all of my food stamps because " our family has income".
I am going to go to school if it kills me. If the state knows they'll take unemployment away too.
How in the hell is anyone supposed to get ahead in life? How can I ever get off of welfare if they screw me for trying?
I'll survive, but barely. I can't have any mishaps with my car or anything else.
I'm not belly achin but this is what it's really like for people living in poverty. It aint no picnic

Computer ADD

I have been slowly recovering from the bout of mono. I have no home computer, so I have to rely on the 1" square screen of my cell phone to entertain me. I have had chronic insomnia since my twenties. I have to take sleeping pills to sleep and even then it's a challenge. My body may be toast but my mind is still going full speed ahead. I thought it might be amusing to take a look at the stuff I look up and find on my web phone so here ya go.
I was in the midst of germ warfare with the mono so I looked up microbes. This is what I found:

They are plush microbes you can order. Absolutely hilarious. I want some.
My fascination with all things old and trying to pinpoint the architectural style of my home had me on a mad chase for nearly an hour. It led to this:

and it is just like my house except mine is a duplex and much larger. Each floor is 1300 sq. ft.
I also look up stupid things like poop and farts and any number of useless words but they always lead to something interesting. Or at least entertaining.

Schrodinger's Cat

I’m not overly into television. I have my favorite shows but having recently been stricken with mono, I couldn’t do anything but watch TV. It coincided with my purchase of my digital boxes. I now have extra channels to distract me. I won’t watch just anything though.
I have a thing for history. I live in a Arts and Crafts style home from 1920. I love anything to do with the 1920’s and 30’s. With my new digital box, I have 3 PBS channels. My 2 favorite history shows are “Secrets Of The Dead” and “History Detectives”.With the new digital box, those shows are on daily. Woo-hoo!
The only comedy I watch is The Big Bang Theory. It's about a bunch of nerdy scientists that work together and hang out together. It often cites many scientific theories and being the nerd that I am, I look them up on the web to see what they're about. Recently they used Schrödinger's Cat as an example of 2 possible outcomes in one of the character's life. So I looked it up. I look things up everyday;words, ideas, literary references, stuff Evan G. writes to me. There's a lot I don't know so and I want to learn.
Also, I enjoy Nova and especially a recent episode called Parallel Lives, featuring Mark Everett, formerly of the indie band, The Eels. He happens to be the son of Hugh Everett, a physicist known for his theory of “relative state”, “many worlds” in quantum physics. The same theory as Schrödinger's Cat; alternative universe. (The cat is both alive and dead.)
It seems Mark, though living in the same home as his father for his entire life, didn’t know a thing about his father or his radical ideas. Talk about an alternative universe. It's a really interesting story. I want to read his book.
It's called “Things The Grandchildren Should Know” You can buy it on Amazon for under $20. I'm ordering one as soon as possible.
I love strings of coincidence!
Yeah,I'm a nerd.......

Read more at
http://m.usatoday.com/detail.jsp?key=917054&rc=tv_li&p=6

www.phobe.com/s cat?s_cat.html

blogs.whataslacker.com/2008/05/19/s
(including a link to get a Schrödinger's cat t-shirt!)

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Self- another four letter word

I realize, after much self examination I have some major issues to resolve.
I tend to live in the past in an attempt to figure out what things I’ve screwed up and how it could all be different if better choices had been made. I have found it difficult to even look back at my time as a homemaker and full time mommy. I was a wonderful time for me. I finally felt I had done something exceptional; I was raising two great kids to be interested in learning, kind to others, and steeped in arts music and literature. I taught my children at home in an attempt to ensure a life-long love of learning.
I knew from personal experience that public schools often destroy this passion in children by the warehousing of students; one way to teach, hence one way to learn. What if you’re the square peg? I had capabilities that were known to my high school English teachers and one particular middle school teacher. I read and had the vocabulary of a college level student in 5th grade. By high school, no one ever mentioned my level of achievement again. I had some emotional problems due to family issues and admittedly, I was a bit of a problematic teen. Back in 1979, the school authorities knew I had been sexually abused at 13 and I was told to never discuss it. No counseling was offered and I was written off as another “loser”; a bad seed from a bad family. The scar their uncaring attitude left on me was something I wasn’t willing to expose my children to. . I cannot allow myself to look back at my kids early years without regretting that I married their father, who ended up leaving me feeling worthless and thwarted my attempts to help my kids. He made me feel I was a failure in everything including teaching my kids.
He did have to eat his words after our divorce when teachers commented on the kid’s high vocabulary, reading ability and advanced musical skills. He had to admit it was my doing but he could only see me as damaged.
After I nearly died in 1994, my ex husband grew weary of my disabilities.
I have permanent damage to my brain from an aneurysm that led to a stroke in 1994, that I fear may keep me from ever doing anything significant in life. I have an excellent mind, but a weak body. The stroke makes me question my abilities pertaining to my efforts to become a nurse.
I have ephasia which means often I can’t remember words I need when speaking. I don’t have that problem when writing (it’s a different part of the brain). I have some numbness in my left hand which affects my typing, and some fine motor skills.
My immune system seems to be very low and I catch things very easily. I have limited energy now. I will give all to my job, but I have little left at the end of the day to be Super Mom, Super Wife or Super anything. According to my doctor, this may never change.
The past seems to creep into my future like a thief. I have a bright mind, but can I do anything about my inadequacies? I am trying to keep the small flicker of hope I have burning, but constant obstacles take their toll.
I hesitate to look to another person as inspiration because I know that I need to find the power from within to endure life’s trials. While the idea of a person cheer leading from the sidelines sounds great, I have no idea who would want that job. I have no control over the obstacles I face, but I know it’s my decision how I respond.
I have a lot of work to do on my self esteem. Operative word: SELF.