Livin Near The D

Detroit has been in the news recently because of the Mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick.
Is it as bad as it sounds? Yes, in fact, worse.
Most of my friends and I agree what will probably bring him down is when they find the link between him, the police and a stripper that was shot to death, that had filed charges against the mayors wife for beating her during a strip show at the Manoogian mansion. OOoophhh! Such a lot of crap always goin'on in the D!
I'm a white suburban girl with an East side Detroit mentality. I was raised in the lily-white burbs of Rochester.But my mom was a shop rat. She working in a plastics factory, then a paper mill and finally made tanks in Warren.I grew up surrounded by prosperity, but I hadn't much myself. My mom didn't make much money until I was a senior in high school. I thinks that's why I can relate to the D and it's troubles. My family was for the most part, blue collar from farmer stock. Now my kids are in the same type of situation being in Grosse Pointe Park, The Wrong Side of The Tracks. Their mom works in retail. We're pretty poor still, but my kids are getting an excellent education. Not everyone in GP is a snob. Usually the snobs are from GP Woods and are just Wanna Be's, or as I refer to them, douchebags. They're not very rich or cultured, just arrogant and rude. I am poor but educated. Still working on that well paying job business.
I'm so sad for Detroit. I love it. I'm a architecture junkie. Such cool stuff to be found. There are really great things to do in the D. As I've written in some of my first blogs though, The D has a shady history when it comes to it's government. Their own leaders, black or white, seen to thrive on nepotism, corruption and greed.

Sticks and stones......

I am a victim of abuse. I was never hit or punched but I was abused none-the-less.
I am a recovering victim of verbal abuse.
I still have problems with boundaries but I have come very far in the last 3 years.
People see me now as very confident and assertive, it wasn't always the case. I was a frumpy haus-frau that made peace and took a lot of bullshit in order to keep the peace and keep the vision of "family" alive although it was always a delusion.
My kids are now seeing my ex as an abuser themselves. He has the tendency to control others and say whatever it takes to get his way. My daughter called him an abuser to his face. I used to think of her as exaggerating, but I have come around to seeing the truth. After reading The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, I was chilled to the bone. It was as though she had been an unseen witness to my relationship.
He was always wonderful in front of others, only to turn into Mr. Hyde when we were alone. He still does the same thing whenever I'm forced to deal with him because of our kids. He does that with the kids too. They've told me he's great when others are around and turns into a screaming lunatic when it's just them. My daughter refuses to see him anymore. I am trying to give her some coping skills so she can have a relationship with him but still refuse the abuse. Is that even possible? I'm not entirely sure.
I had even fallen as far as to utilize some of the manipulative techniques towards my children. I was a child in many ways when I married and grew up learning the ways of relationships with my ex. I'm very careful now not to do that with them anymore.
He's a victim too. His family dynamic is the reason he is abusive. But he refuses to see anything wrong in the way he conducts himself. I just want to break the cycle in my children. I am already seeing the signs of the illness presenting itself in them. At this point I am still reluctant in my dealings with him. I have 16 years of experience with this man. Now though, I have had 7 years away from him. It's better from this side.

I like cooking with wine-sometimes I even add it to the food.

I have inadvertantly become a hermit.

Anyone that knows me will tell you I am a very outgoing sociable person. I am loud, boisterous and fun loving. Lately, however, when I attempt to make connections, I fall flat. I am finding it is very difficult to make friends at 42. Lacking in the commonality that I relied on in high school, I no longer belong to a particular social group. I am usually among the oldest of students at college. I no longer attend church and Phi Theta Kappa was boring to me.
I do not suffer fools and my standards are high. I have a wicked sense of humor, I read, I make conversation, but most of my human contact consists of people I help in my store at the mall. Simply by virtue of their "consumerism", I tend to find little in common.
My greatest friends lately have been books, especially in the form of biographies.
My companions in the last couple of weeks have been Lord Curzon and his daughters, Alva and Consuelo Vanderbilt, Janice Joplin, W.C. Fields, and Augusten Burroughs.
For sheer obnoxiousness, I would relish a friendship with Burroughs or Fields.
All of these folks are flawed, yet so compelling. I like taking time to look beyond imperfection to find the nugget of sublime bliss. I don't find others around me inclined to the same.
Often I'm sad about my self-imposed exile, but an evening of W.C. Fields is my idea of fun! So, off to Amazon I go to seek him out on DVD.

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

Listening to NPR the other day made me remember Once upon a time I was a young woman perched on the edge of the rest of my life. I was not a privileged child. My Mom made F1 tanks and my grandma cut meat at A&P.
None the less, I had a God given talent in vocal music which reached it's pinnacle in high school. My teacher, Paula Robinson, took me and trained me and more importantly believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. I was training in music performance and even contemplated being an opera singer.I threw it all away on a man.
DUMB!!!!!
Classical music became my life. I devoted a minimum of 3 hours per day to perfecting my craft. I went to solo and ensemble, I rehearsed before and after school. I found myself loving something that I had never been exposed to. My emotions would sway to the music. When performing and really doing it right, I could peer beyond the gilded veil and touch the face of God. That's really what it felt like. I had been allowed entrance to the Holy of Holies. Now my days are spent worrying about making money. I have to, but I still long for once last peek behind that veil.

Talkin' 'bout a resolution

I am looking forward to 2008. 2007 sucked and I am hoping an eventual change in administration and personal changes in my attitude are going to have a big impact.
I am returning to the diet program that allowed me to lose 35 pounds to shed the rest of the weight which will take the entire year to do.
One of the main changes in my life is going to be how I handle other people.
Because of a damaged self image, from years of emotional abuse, I often allow "friends" to treat me in a way that is very disrespectful. I have cast myself forever in the role of sad little girl just pleading for the other kids to play with her. After having several bad starts last year I am quite determined to rid myself of that thinking. I am a valuable person. I shouldn't be waiting breathlessly for the small scraps of love, attention and human kindness. I give lovingly to others. I care about people, I have tired of the one-sided relationships.I have decided I have enough self love to not allow others to talk down to me or ignore me. Are you my friend? Prove it! Act like one!
An old friend of mine said it best
"Don't get all in my Kool-Aid, when you don't even know what flavor it is"

Haunted Holiday

I wrote this last year and it still seems appropriate. I don't feel as sad as I was last year, and I have a new feisty attitude that holds promises of taking me far.
Here's to Christmas, whatever they may hold!




I am haunted by memories.
Memories of holidays spent with cousins I knew would always be my best friends.
Memories of Grandmothers that made crafts, cookies and always had one of us read the Book of Luke description of the birth of Jesus on Christmas Eve..
First Christmas's spent with new lovers, first trees together that were entirely too big and expensive, making love by the glow of the holiday lights.
First Christmas's with new babies; dressed up for holiday photos.
Singing with friends at school or in Madrigal tours.
But friends move away, so do cousins, lovers leave, babies grow up, and Grandmas die.
It's all different now. Holidays mean longer hours at work, nights alone by the tree, kids busy with their own friends. I don't sing anymore either.
I hope my Holiday's change soon.

Powerful

I've decided that I can either be powerful or pitiful.

I've been pitiful and that doesn't get me anywhere. So powerful it is. I'll journey ahead afraid of all of the situations I'll confront, but full steam ahead it is.

Working 2 jobs, dealing with teenagers, and ongoing poverty do tend to stress one.

I shall prevail however!

To quote Chumbawumba " I get knocked down, but I get up again".

God that band sucked, but I applaud the sentiment.