I have embarked on a plan to find out what I like. I have barely focused on this since my life after divorce had been one of scratching out an existence and basic survival. I like quiet time. I watch TV when I am bored, which is a terrible habit. I thought back to when I lived on my own and my TV was only on when there was a particular show I really wanted to watch. I watched TV almost exclusively on one of my 2 days off since I had Comcast and could utilize On Demand. Otherwise I watched shows online. I liked sitting in my livingroom with no lights on and candles or my fireplace burning. I also like time outside exploring. I love to take pictures and nothing excites me more than a really old cemetery. All of these things allows my mind to wander and "write" stories in my head. I like conversations with people. I especially like to talk to people that are a bit odd, without being psychotic, to get a different point of view. I like antiques. Anything from the 20's or 30's gives me a thrill. I like being alone; most of the time, I prefer it. Other people = someone else's agenda. I am still trying to figure out my own agenda, thank you.I like birds, squirrels, fish and flowers. I like living with nature instead of trying to make it conform to my humanity. I have also discovered what I don't like. I intensely dislike, on the verge of hate, people that play power games. It is always someone either narcissistic or insecure. They're unable to function unless they're fucking with someone else's life. Isn't running our own lives difficult enough? I hate politics. I understand that we have to fight for rights. I will march along and put my voice out there, but I don't trust either side of the aisle enough to say I'm a democrat or republican. People for the most part want to protect their own family or stuff even if it means screwing you and yours. That's just base human nature. I don't like configuring my life around other people's agenda. Oh you love living in your community? Great. Good for you. I don't happen to like it myself but you insist it's the ONLY decent place to live.Your yammering on about yours makes you seem like an elitist douchebag. Different strokes people. When people carry on about their town, church, lifestyle endlessly, I always wonder if they're trying to convince me or themselves how uber cool they really are. I stand unconvinced. If you want to impress me, show me what you're doing to make the world a better place. Who did you uplift or inspire? Did you create anything? Tell me about that. I am trying to organize my life into something I want to live rather than something to be endured. I need a delicate balance of work, play, creativity and rest. Mostly I need to get (find) a life to call my own.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I am no longer in school for gerontology and I have reentered college for nursing. I begin classes next week. I found a new job at a grocery store as a cashier and I really enjoy it. I work with nice people and my work is appreciated. I get breaks and everything. Another thing that happened is not so pleasant. A person intregal to the music at church was arrested for 1st degree criminal sexual conduct with a child 13-15 years old. This person is a teacher that engaged in oral sex with a male student. The initial response of the church council, of which I am a member, was to keep this person, who is employed by the church, out of the church until the court case was decided. But...... the pastor wanted to show real "Christianity" by having us be good forgiving Christians and asking him to return to our church. My response was shock, tears and an overwhelming sense of betrayal and fear. Let me tell you a story........ I was a 13 year old girl that had never had a boyfriend and was barely past the urge to wrestle and fight with boys. My mother had recently re-married and within a year, the man she married began sexually abusing me. He stopped short of actual sex but just barely. At first I pretended that I was asleep as he visited my bedroom and touched me. Once when he caught me awake, I told him to leave me alone. He told me that if I told anyone what happened he would tell my Mom that I seduced him and that she would believe him and not me. I would be responsible for causing a problem with her 3rd marriage and she would blame me. I then began to sleep with a knife near my bed. I did tell my mom. She was blindsided and wasn't really sure what to do. I started counseling and I was told by a counselor that we could be repaired as a "family". I attended church with my abuser where he was perceived as an upstanding citizen. We didn't last long with that counselor. I was having a lot of problems at school with a male teacher that was very controlling and I was acting out. I confided in a friend that I had been being sexually abused and he did the right thing and told the school. The school called my home and and my abuser told them that I was mentally unstable and being treated my a psychiatrist. I was being treated due to his perversion! My friend was told to stop speaking to me about this. I was called into the office and told to stop lying about things and making things up about my family. Remember, this was 1979, but still no one ever spoke to my Mom, my only legal parent. They spoke to her when they decided I should be evaluated. I was tested and then they found out that I had an IQ of 142 and normal, albeit the trauma inflicted by the pervert. One day I was doing dishes when my abuser decided to if he couldn't sexually abuse me that physical abuse would do. He tried choking me when he didn't like that way I "sassed" him. I grabbed a knife, told him that if he ever touched me again I'D FUCKING KILL HIM! By now I was 14 and I packed my things and moved in with my grandma. Within a week, he left my Mom and moved in with the woman he'd been having an affair with. I was let down by every single institution that I encountered. The persistant response was "shhhhhhh, keep this quiet" and solidly reinforced that I was dirty, bad and had been abused because I asked for it. It took weekly visits to a psychologist for 4 years before I felt I was able to deal with my trauma and I then returned to church as well. I find myself unable to return to church in the presence of this person. I refuse to participate in the denial of his "alleged" treachery. I can not and will not look the other way and click my heels together waiting for the Magic Genie "God" to allow my heart to be softened and to embrace and love this "person". You know what would make me feel better? JUSTICE! I never got any but I hope this young man that was victimized will. I hope this person is never ignored and downplayed so much that he is allowed to do this again. There is such a thing as right and wrong and good and evil. For fucks sake, act like you understand that! Weekly we yammer on about the "seen and unseen" and satan, yet when we find a person that participates in evil we treat them like the victim. I am disgusted. I will seek council elsewhere until then.

Would you like fries with that?

Maybe I'm getting old but whatever happened to the casual part time job? I recently applied and was hired to work in a casual dining restaurant. I am a full time college student right now and really working hard at making my studies my priority. I am used to working in retail and I am learning an entirely new industry. We are being set up in a brand new store with corporate trainers. The premise of proving ourselves "worthy" of this minimum wage job is that we are available to them for any hours. Currently, this has meant working 6, 4 hour shifts a week. Okay so do the math; 7.4 X 24= $150 after taxes. That's actually fine as an income for me right now, but the next part means driving nearly and hour to work at another store which requires carpooling at 5:15 am. I cannot drive my car that far since it's on it's last legs with it's 3rd engine and 190,000 miles. Pardon me, but this is a friggin' part time job which consists of making sandwiches, soup, ice cream, coffee and donuts. Most of the time I am on the register, which I have done for most of my life. In addition, there is a not-so-subtle hinting that if we want our jobs and if we want to get any raises, we have to give in to their every demand. This is what we have come to. I am not too proud to sweep, mop, clean toilets, and wash dishes, which I have done in several of my positions. It does speak to the way we treat people is business: LIKE SLAVES. Trying to work 3-4 days a week to give myself a little wiggle room while I finish college does not mean I am willing to forfeit my studies. This is why so many people just give up on trying to do better. The mentality of corporate America is get 'em, threaten them, and keep them worrying so they'll do whatever they are told to keep their job. I don't know anyone that refuses to do any type of work.But why do we make folks feel demeaned, obligated and insecure to supply our workforce. As a manager I tried to teach, be an example, uplift and encourage my employees. I must be a dinosaur, because I don't see that happening anywhere. We devalue people and then wonder why taking a life seems to be so inconsequential. If you treat people poorly and tell them they're nothing, after a while, they will believe you. Come on America! Can't we do better than that?

Debbie Downer

I have been giving a lot of thought to accusations of being negative. I can, like most people, fall into a fugue. I have been treated for depression especially after my stroke and subsequent brain injury.However, I get really pissed off when people assume that my take on things is in some way a "character flaw".
First of all, I have had several life altering circumstances that were mostly due to other's life choices like my Mom's disaterous marriages, my ex's philandering, and things I had just happen to me like my stroke, losing my home etc. ad nauseum. My outlook is rather colored by those situations. I have definite trust issues and I am the first to admit I am very gun-shy when it comes to people.I was kind of shy as a child and because of things that were said to me by my ex ie: that no one could stand me and I was useless, I feel insecure and unsure of myself. I have had brief periods of really liking myself and also found that "haters" couldn't line up fast enough to knock me back down. As if to say "oh, you feel good about yourself? Well, don't forget, you're still fat and you don't have a job". I know what's wrong with me thanks. I know I have a weight issue although I am convinced it's not problem for me, only others. I know I need a job and that is why I am trying my damnedest to finish my degree and why I fill out applications daily. I always want to scream " THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!! I KNOW I NEED A FRIGGING JOB!!!" I am happiest with a handful of friends, a few acquaintances, and lots of people that I have nothing to do with.Secondly, I was raised to be nice to people, even if you don't mean it or feel like it. I expect the same from others which always is disappointing and leads me to avoid people again for a while. I prefer very real people without pretense and let me tell you, those kind of people are very rare indeed. Everybody has to "front" these days. So, when you want to call me or anyone else negative, just don't. You're only making a situation worse. Try being kind instead and you may change someone's outlook on life, mine included.

Your just can't trust hapiness

People have commented that I seem happier than ever and how glad they are to see that.
That bugged me a lot and then I had to muddle it about in my mind until I understood why.
I lost my job. It was the job that was supposed to be the start of a new career for me.I gave up custody of my son so that he could stay in his school district for his senior year. I moved 50 miles away to live next door to my job. I worked for a less-than- ethical person with dollar signs in front of their eyes and was fired for "talking to the employees" aka telling the truth.After losing my job I had no alternative but to move 186 miles north to live with my parents.
It is not an empowering thing at 46 to run home and live with Mom and Dad. I have a bedroom, food and utilities. I have my dog and guinea pig with me. I am in college full time and i will have my Bachelor's of Science Gerontology degree in appx.5 semesters. I am living on loans so that I am not a burden on my parents. I pay for my insurance, car repair, gasoline, my extra groceries since I eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. I bought a bike too. All of my next loan will buy a car since mine is 18 years old and has 200,000 miles on it and its third engine.
What I am doing is allowing myself to enjoy life more. I have denied myself extras while raising my kids because that's what you do when you're a responsible parent. I hope to help out my parents when they need it in the future after completing my education.
The main component in my ability to enjoy life has been the removal of fear. I don't have homelessness breathing down my neck, and I did have that kind of stress from 2009 to 2011 on a daily basis.
I have been unsuccessful in finding employment up here, even part-time minimum wage jobs. I am not too proud to stock shelves and sweep floors, but I am not getting any response to the countless applications I have filled out, nor the dozens of calls I have made.
I wish that I could find a full time job, finish college and work in my field, live independently and help my Mom and Dad. I work towards that goal and I am prayerful that God has a plan. So I am happy, but it feels like a false happiness. I guess that's why it bugs me. Also, getting rid of negative people has been the best gift I've given myself. I have never been one to be a people pleas(er) and Lord knows that's still what society expects of a woman. Too bad!

Anal Cranial Inversion

My selectivity as it pertains to people has led me to befriend an interesting cast of people I'd actually like to hang out with.

The "elderly" ladies at my church are very progressive when it comes to reproductive rights, equality in marriage and woman power which I am in awe of. They are in their 70's and 80's and I see them both at church and at Red Hat meetings. They are a feisty and inspiring bunch.

At choir there is an odd little farmer that has long dirty hair and dirty overalls and a full beard. He has an astonishing grasp on modern day politics and religion. He is decidedly a lefty and speaks about the people taking back their country and making it work for us instead of us being led around by the nose by government and big business and doing their bidding. He is an strange character to be sure, but he makes a lot more sense to me than the people I see everyday that only talk about TV shows and casino trips.

Somewhere this horrible notion that God blesses His chosen with wealth seems to have indoctrinated the Republican Party and infested the American thinking process. I remember hearing about people like the Roosevelt's that felt that wealth was a sign that they needed to show gratitude to God by helping their fellow man. I can respect a church that aspires to that sort of belief.

When did people become so stupid? Maybe the conformity of the 1950's? That old feeling that Patriotism equaled Godliness? I thought the 60's was about questioning authority, but I see a whole bunch of the members of that generation selling out and giving up.
Being a follower of Christ means that I follow His teachings and seek to be like Him. In no way does that equal being a racist, sexist or homophobe. I know what the Bible says because I HAVE READ IT ALONG WITH THE TEACHINGS OF ALL OF THE MAJOR RELIGIONS! I have said it before so once again " READ A DAMN BOOK AND THINK" PLEASE!!!
This is why people exasperate me to the point of nausea and why I come off as a "negative" person. I expect so much of my fellow man alas; they seem to have their heads up their asses.

Just call me Thoreau

People disappoint and make me believe that they are really not out for their own benefit, but in the end, I find that they are. I like being a hermit because I can take or leave people at a whim. I have a few actual friends and they do not seek me out for their own adornment, enhancement or selfishness, but rather because they value me as a person. I can be myself around them and I never feel as though I have to defend myself or my views. I like to take others as they are also, but I lose all interest when someone tries to push their agenda or make broad sweeping statements and generalizations which rely on their narrow point of view. Often I have found those people to also be devoid of kindness and a desire to see others be successful or happy. Different strokes as they say; everyone will find their own happiness but it should at least NOT be at another’s expense.
I value the past for its simplicity. I would love to make a simple living and be allowed to have a small place to live and grow my own vegetables and flowers and attend worship. Clothing, expensive cars, jewelry and the like hold no sway with me. If I had 3-4 nice dresses, 2 sturdy pairs of shoes, some jeans, boots and t-shirts, I am well heeled enough in my estimation.
My goals are to live on my own, grow some food, eat sparingly and cheaply, have time to read and study, and sing. While I would love interpersonal relationships, I do not seem to have them with anyone currently available. I have learned discernment in my 47 years. I find that I value humans more when I have limited contact and that I prefer contact in which I am in their service. Everyone wants to be of value and just maybe, since we seem to devalue most people that don't meet up to our own perceptions, we miss seeing the incredible person that God made them to be, warts and all.