Love Thy Neighbor

So many things on my mind lately.

Not the least is my on going struggle with unemployment and poverty. I'm not homeless, but it's really tough. One unexpected expense equals disaster that takes weeks to recover from. I have enough to survive but nothing left over.It stresses out my kids because they can't have the fun their friends do, and it stresses me out for the same reasons. I can't afford to go out to dinner, the zoo, the water park or anything else that costs money. My only luxury is the Internet. I am clever enough to find things that are free, but I miss things like going to The Henry Ford. If I manage to grab some extra cash, I have to consider my gas tank as well. It's all very discouraging.

I have been channeling all of this frustration into cleaning and organizing. I am getting my house into the shape I want it to be. It's really nice having a home in which people can drop by for a visit and I don't have to panic.

The political storm about Health Care is interesting. The age-old battle of the Haves Vs. The Have Nots. All of the protesters in West Bloomfield are so angry that they might have to share. They're horrified by the idea that the Surfdom actually feel as though we deserve to have minimal health care. I don't remember ever seeing the Democrat and Republican parties being so divided. It really does feel like the Right Wing is all about The Haves keeping all they feel is due them and claiming some sort of "Christian" superiority. All of this lead me to seek where this comes from. It lead me to Calvinism and predestination. Here are some of links I found, but please research on your own.
http://www.bringyou.to/apologetics/num21.htm
http://www.apuritansmind.com/PuritanWorship/McMahonABriefCritiqueOfHyper-Calvinism.htm
http://reformedtheology.org/SiteFiles/Fall2006/Essay_AmericanMethodists.html
I visited many sites and researched for an entire afternoon. This is the religion of the Pilgrims. The one that excludes any one that is an independent thinker. It's all VERY UN AMERICAN. It was an eye-opener for me. I was a Lutheran for 20 years and have recently converted to Catholicism. It wasn't a huge jump. I NEVER hear my parish speak of other religions disparagingly, but I sure do hear it a lot about Catholics from Protestants. I was never taught to dislike the poor and defenseless in either the Lutheran Church or in The Catholic church. Is it any wonder Ireland has had religious battles forever? I don't understand a position of superiority based on wealth. Being a history buff, I do remember reading about the wealthy families such as the Roosevelt's, believing their wealth was a blessing from God which gave them a sense of obligation to help those in need. That makes sense to me; a hell of a lot more than looking down on someone for being poor as though it was "sin" that brought them there.

Hate abounds all around me and I am always startled by it. Perhaps I'm naive. I look at life as an opportunity to help and love my fellow man. I'm no saint, but aren't we all just trying to enjoy our lives, and love and be loved along the way

Romans 12;1-2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Matthew 25:41-45
Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least among you, you did not do for me.'

A Reason To Get Up

I am one of those people always looking over my shoulder for the next bad thing to happen. I know it's coming and I'll keep myself on edge looking for it.
Let's face it, there's never enough money or time in life. I tend to live in either denial about my finances or in sheer terror. I simply cannot live like most of my friends. I don't have the means. I can't drop a $100 on a family visit to the waterpark, or even spend the money to go to the movies. It simply isn't there. The denial comes when I feel as though I should have some discretionary income. I spend and then I fall behind.That's when the terror begins. I am resolving to keep myself on task and within my means.
I have to and here's why;I have been sick since I lived in my mold infested home, which I lost to foreclosure. I slept in a bedroom blanketed with mold in the attic and in my closet. I spent nights sleeping on one side of my bed while a pan caught the dripping water on the other side of my bed. I was very sick with pneumonia several times and my immune system hasn't been the same ever since. Living in such a way gave me an inkling of what homelessness would be like. The horror of living in something unihabitable, never knowing whether you would even have that miserable place as shelter. My unemployment will run out in 6 months. I need to find job that will pay at least $1000 a month and work around my college schedule. My nursing degree is the thing that gives me hope for a future, so it is THE priority.
These are the things that keep me from living life joyfully. It all comes down to fear. I have a reasonable fear of where my poverty could lead to. I have seen people in my same situation fall by the wayside into homelessness and misery, and I am realistic enough to know that a simple click of my heels and wishing on a star isn't going to change things.
The unreasonable fears keep me from doing anything at all. I have this idea that I cannot enjoy anything until I have absolute security.That "God" will get me for enjoying myself when my life is hanging by a thread.I'm not sure there will ever be such a time. But I do know that life isn't worth living if I can't enjoy some of it.
I am poor and often sick, but like most folks, I want to feel as though there is something worth getting up for. I'm still looking, but I can't find it.

Right Wing

I am so sick of hate.
It's everywhere. Some of it stems from fear. People often hate what they don't understand.There is another form of hate that makes me fearful. Arrogance.
During my disastrous marriage, I bought into that Right Wing Religious Based type of arrogance wrapped in a feeling of righteousness and superiority. God's blessed and chosen crap. I see this sort of arrogance daily now from so-called Republicans. Oh there's plenty of hate to go around; Catholics,gays, single moms, minorities,the poor, fat people, or anyone else deemed less-than-desirable. These same people call themselves "Christians", which horrifies me to my very core. Here's the thing; Christ would condemn their behavior. We were never called to hate. Politics aside, since when is it weak to help the helpless?


The Gospel: ( Thanks Be to God)
Jesus said, "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on the throne of his glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats, and he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. Then the king will say to those at his right hand, 'Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world; for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.' Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food, or thirsty and gave you something to drink? And when was it that we saw you a stranger and welcomed you, or naked and gave you clothing? And when was it that we saw you sick or in prison and visited you?' And the king will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.' Then he will say to those at his left hand, 'You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels; for I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not give me clothing, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.' Then they also will answer, 'Lord, when was it that we saw you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not take care of you?' Then he will answer them, 'Truly I tell you, just as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

Matthew 25:31

It's all about love people, not hate.

Unemployed Stream of Conciousness

gotta get something done today
Gawd I feel crappy
this house is a mess
I'm still so tired
Coffee, where's the coffee?
That's better
what should I do, who cares?
maybe I'll just play some Wii
okay, now I'm tired
guesss I'll take a nap
zzzzzzzzzzzzz
repeat until bedtime ( around 1 a.m.)

The Hermit

Sliding into my flannel cocoon, I reach for another book. This time it is The Book of William by Paul Collins. I am savoring it like fine wine. I should be embracing the outside world, or so everyone tells me, but all in good time. I know my time in this unemployed state of leisure is coming to an end. I want to enjoy it a bit longer. You can have your parties, barbecues, and such. Leave me alone with a book or 10, my pajamas and a snugly comforter and I'm in heaven.........

High School

Tonight is another mini reunion of folks from high school. I am looking forward to it, but not with out trepidation.
In many cases, I'd rather be remembered as the amusing, sarcastic, singer that I was, rather than the unemployed divorced mom that I am now. I have done some cool stuff, and I've overcome some rather horrifying obstacles, but one tends to measure in regards to wealth, educational achievement and such.
I was very guarded in high school. People saw me as confident, when I was far from it. I am dumbfounded by people that thought I was "popular" and dated. (Wasn't and didn't.) A friend that remained so after high school remarked that some people grow and change for the better and some just become bigger jerks. Indeed, the people that I find fascinating are the regular kids that weren't so "popular" and are just happy and confortable with themselves. The most surprising thing are all of the people my age (44) with little kids. Also, the kids that were "stoners" that have gone on to be pillars of health and success. As a writer, these people are far more interesting to me than the jocks and girlies that everyone noticed. We've been getting together every 3 months and it's been fun. Some of the people I want to see the most, are out of state and can't make it.
Ah, well..... even if it sucks and no one talks to me, I will be eavesdropping and using as much for my writing as I can. ( Tee-hee)

Coming Out of the Fog

The ongoing battle with insomnia had me watching TV at 1:00 a.m. and I stumbled across POV on PBS. The show was about a guitarist, Eric Metzgar, that suffered a brain hemmorhage and his recovery back from a vegative-like state. I went back to my own time when an anuerysm struck at 29 and led to a stroke.
My recollections are that it was like being drugged. I felt like a zombie. I had no facial expressions, and I recall feeling disconnected from my emotions as if I were watching my life from the outside. I wanted to go back to my life before, but I had no idea how to do it. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't remember how to do simple things. My kids pre-school teacher had to call me to remind me to get my kids from Story Hour. I couldn't remember how to get to the grocery store about a mile from the house. I had been deemed " not damaged enough" to require rehabilitation, so my family doctor, knowing better, recommended role playing and memory games on the computer. ( Thank God my parents had one, this was 1994) I could barely take care of my kids or myself and there I was, doing it anyway. The death knell had been sounded on my marriage (unknown to me at the time) and I had to get better fast to survive. It took 3 years and survive I have. Recently, my algebra prof asked if I was aware of my loss of abilities at the time and when I told him I was, he was horrified.It's been scary as hell, and I still shed tears. There are still residuals, though most people wouldn't notice. I thank God everyday that I survived. That being said, if I have another stroke- I hope it kills me. I'd rather never go through this again.