I like cooking with wine-sometimes I even add it to the food.

I have inadvertantly become a hermit.

Anyone that knows me will tell you I am a very outgoing sociable person. I am loud, boisterous and fun loving. Lately, however, when I attempt to make connections, I fall flat. I am finding it is very difficult to make friends at 42. Lacking in the commonality that I relied on in high school, I no longer belong to a particular social group. I am usually among the oldest of students at college. I no longer attend church and Phi Theta Kappa was boring to me.
I do not suffer fools and my standards are high. I have a wicked sense of humor, I read, I make conversation, but most of my human contact consists of people I help in my store at the mall. Simply by virtue of their "consumerism", I tend to find little in common.
My greatest friends lately have been books, especially in the form of biographies.
My companions in the last couple of weeks have been Lord Curzon and his daughters, Alva and Consuelo Vanderbilt, Janice Joplin, W.C. Fields, and Augusten Burroughs.
For sheer obnoxiousness, I would relish a friendship with Burroughs or Fields.
All of these folks are flawed, yet so compelling. I like taking time to look beyond imperfection to find the nugget of sublime bliss. I don't find others around me inclined to the same.
Often I'm sad about my self-imposed exile, but an evening of W.C. Fields is my idea of fun! So, off to Amazon I go to seek him out on DVD.

Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah

Listening to NPR the other day made me remember Once upon a time I was a young woman perched on the edge of the rest of my life. I was not a privileged child. My Mom made F1 tanks and my grandma cut meat at A&P.
None the less, I had a God given talent in vocal music which reached it's pinnacle in high school. My teacher, Paula Robinson, took me and trained me and more importantly believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. I was training in music performance and even contemplated being an opera singer.I threw it all away on a man.
DUMB!!!!!
Classical music became my life. I devoted a minimum of 3 hours per day to perfecting my craft. I went to solo and ensemble, I rehearsed before and after school. I found myself loving something that I had never been exposed to. My emotions would sway to the music. When performing and really doing it right, I could peer beyond the gilded veil and touch the face of God. That's really what it felt like. I had been allowed entrance to the Holy of Holies. Now my days are spent worrying about making money. I have to, but I still long for once last peek behind that veil.

Talkin' 'bout a resolution

I am looking forward to 2008. 2007 sucked and I am hoping an eventual change in administration and personal changes in my attitude are going to have a big impact.
I am returning to the diet program that allowed me to lose 35 pounds to shed the rest of the weight which will take the entire year to do.
One of the main changes in my life is going to be how I handle other people.
Because of a damaged self image, from years of emotional abuse, I often allow "friends" to treat me in a way that is very disrespectful. I have cast myself forever in the role of sad little girl just pleading for the other kids to play with her. After having several bad starts last year I am quite determined to rid myself of that thinking. I am a valuable person. I shouldn't be waiting breathlessly for the small scraps of love, attention and human kindness. I give lovingly to others. I care about people, I have tired of the one-sided relationships.I have decided I have enough self love to not allow others to talk down to me or ignore me. Are you my friend? Prove it! Act like one!
An old friend of mine said it best
"Don't get all in my Kool-Aid, when you don't even know what flavor it is"

Haunted Holiday

I wrote this last year and it still seems appropriate. I don't feel as sad as I was last year, and I have a new feisty attitude that holds promises of taking me far.
Here's to Christmas, whatever they may hold!




I am haunted by memories.
Memories of holidays spent with cousins I knew would always be my best friends.
Memories of Grandmothers that made crafts, cookies and always had one of us read the Book of Luke description of the birth of Jesus on Christmas Eve..
First Christmas's spent with new lovers, first trees together that were entirely too big and expensive, making love by the glow of the holiday lights.
First Christmas's with new babies; dressed up for holiday photos.
Singing with friends at school or in Madrigal tours.
But friends move away, so do cousins, lovers leave, babies grow up, and Grandmas die.
It's all different now. Holidays mean longer hours at work, nights alone by the tree, kids busy with their own friends. I don't sing anymore either.
I hope my Holiday's change soon.

Powerful

I've decided that I can either be powerful or pitiful.

I've been pitiful and that doesn't get me anywhere. So powerful it is. I'll journey ahead afraid of all of the situations I'll confront, but full steam ahead it is.

Working 2 jobs, dealing with teenagers, and ongoing poverty do tend to stress one.

I shall prevail however!

To quote Chumbawumba " I get knocked down, but I get up again".

God that band sucked, but I applaud the sentiment.

The Story

Alas, I feel uninspired to write further. My time is at a premium, my life is hectic and the endless cycle of poverty takes it's toll. My computer is dead. I have no phone line to dial out with anyway.

I will finish the story. Later.

My life really sucks right now. I feel paralyzed by poverty, and not having a relationship is finally wearing me down. I am confronting the fact that my life, as it stands right now, is unacceptable. What I can do to change it is my focus. College is a must this fall. Because the economy in Michigan is wretched, I may have to do so while working two jobs. How can I do that? Because I have to. I have no choice

Weird thing is; I'm not depressed. I am looking hard and clear at reality. My imaginitive side has gone into hibernation.

I often wonder if I will EVER find a realtionship that is mutually fullfilling. I wonder if I'll ever find the same in a career.

Bleh....... I just wonder if I'll survive the winter.

The Sisterhood Part 5

Kari woke up refreshed as her alarm went off at 8:00 a.m. Rudy yawned from the bed and rested his head back down.
“Not used to getting up huh boy?” As if understanding, he yawned stretched and went back to his resting position. Kari took her shower, and having ironed the green dress last night, she put it on with some cute sandals. She looked at herself in the mirror and decided that leaving Rob certainly agreed with her. She looked rested and her red hair shone. It was a sunny and warm day. The forecast on the radio said a high of 74 was expected with low humidity. June was turning into a beautiful month. She filled Rudy’s dish with water and the other with food and took him outside. He was quick about his business and she took him upstairs and gave him a new rawhide bone to chew on.
“That’ll keep you busy” she said as she finished the last of her coffee. It wasn’t sitting on her stomach very well. She dumped the dregs into the sink and brushed her teeth. It was time to go to church. She grabbed her purse and started her journey. She enjoyed the warmth of the early day. Everything was so green and bright today. Within minutes she arrived at the little stone church. There were 4 cars in the parking lot. She made her way inside.
The ladies were all arranged around a small table in the church. There was a statue in the center of the table. Edith looked up, smiled brightly and said “Oh Kari, I’m so glad you decided to come. Let me introduce you.”
She went around the table and introduced a dozen ladies. Kari could remember the tiny lady with the bad wig and her name was Beulah. Another plump red haired lady was Maxine. They along with Edith did most of the talking.
“Well, isn’t your dress cute? Where did you get it? Did you make it?” said Maxine quickly.
“I actually found it in the apartment I just moved into” and she told them the story of finding the dress and the odd dream she had.
She noticed exchanged glances between a few of the ladies and wondered what that was about.
“Well dreams are often just a manifestation of whatever we ate before going to bed. I know if I have anything spicy or chocolate before bed, I have terrible dreams” said Maxine. She seemed the bossy know it all type, like a lot of older Aunts in Kari’s own family. She probably didn’t mean anything by it. She was probably used to running her life by herself and was set in her ways.
“Beulah, move a chair in for Kari so she can join us” said Maxine.
Beulah moved another chair over from the wall and set Kari right next to her.
Kari noticed the statue in the center of the table. It was a woman dressed in a red shawl. Sort of a variance of the Virgin Mary with different colored attire.
“Is that Mary? The Virgin?”
“No it’s not that Mary silly” said Beulah weakly with a smile.
“It is The Magdalene. That is the Mary we worship; a symbol of power in womanhood. Many refer to her as a prostitute. That was the way in ancient times as well as today. A strong woman is scorned, ridiculed and called names. I told you we were a different sort of church” said Edith with great pride.
Kari remembered stories in Sunday school about Mary Magdalene being a fallen woman.
“Yes we are a Sisterhood” said Maxine emphatically. “Women helping one another”
The service began with a prayer to The Magdalene and then a sort of chant began with the ladies. Kari felt out of place and more than a little lost. Soon they were talking about the service they’d done for others of the Sisterhood this week. Many of the ladies had taken hot meals and specially prepared teas to ladies in the community. Some had crocheted and knitted shawls and blankets for new moms and their babies. Kari’s heart had warmed to hear these wonderful deeds. They again said a prayer asking The Magdalene to give them strength and to bless Kari in her path. Kari felt touched.
When the meeting was over, tea and cupcakes were served.
“Tea Kari?” asked Beulah.
“Yes please” answered Kari and her cup was filled with a heady scent of cinnamon and orange. “Yummy tea” she said.
“Why thank you dear, I made it myself” said Edith
Kari nibbled her cupcake and found that it was orange flavored with cream cheese frosting. She was asked about her divorce and she told them about Rob’s cheating and abuse.
“All men are the same” said Maxine emphatically
“Were you ever married?” asked Kari
“We all have been, it what was expected in our day. None of us ever remarried after our husbands died and none of us ever had children. That’s probably how we found each other. We weren’t preoccupied with little ones. We have all been friends since we were young women” said Edith.
“It’s so nice that you had each other to rely on” said Kari.
“Where do you live Kari?”
“Right down the street on 1029”
“Ah, we know the house. We have all been here for many years”
“I really like it. It feels like home”
“Well, it is your home isn’t it dear?” said Edith.
“Yeah I guess it is. Well, I guess I’ll be going now”
“Please come back again Kari. We’ve enjoyed having you”
“Oh I will” she said as she left the church. She felt giddy. She stopped at the market and bought some canned soup. Her stomach felt really weird and she figured soup might help settle it.
Kari made the soup and ate it slowly. She felt very tired and out of sorts. If this continued, she’d have to make an appointment with the doctor. The soup felt okay on her stomach and she decided she’d take a little nap; although the prospects of another dream were unsettling. Fatigue won out however and soon she and Rudy were snuggled under the throw on the couch and resting peacefully.
It didn’t last.

Adi woke up to see all of the ladies surrounding her bed.
“The baby is coming Adi dear” said Erma
Adi remembered feeling unwell and drinking some tea and then nothing.
“What was in that tea?”
“Just some herbs to help you relax dear, don’t worry about anything”
Adi felt an intense pain and gasped.
“It’s almost time now”
A few minutes later Adi had a strong urge to push. The ladies encouraged her and soon the baby’s head was showing. Adi felt a burning sensation.
“Okay now, push really hard, with all your might”
Soon the baby was born. Adi was all at once excited and exhausted.
“How is my baby?” she asked
“Just a minute dear, we’re making sure your baby is well”
Erma came in with another cup of tea. This one had a sharp smell and a bitter taste.
“ Drink this dear. It’ll help with recovery.”
Adi drank it obediently shuddering at its horrible taste. Adi felt herself drifting away. She was now viewing herself from above the room. There she lay looking pale and tired.
Then she heard the ladies in the next room. She somehow managed to float over to them. There she saw her baby! It was a boy! She knew she’d name him Edward after his father.
“I can’t believe she had a boy” hissed Mary.
“Did she drink the tea; the castor tea?”
“Yes Mary As soon as I saw it was a boy, I knew which tea to give her” said Erma
“She’ll be dead soon enough then” said Mary as an evil smile crept over her face.
Adi didn’t understand. Who was dead? Why were they keeping her baby from her?
She watched as the ladies wrapped the baby up in a blanket and walked down the stairs.
Where were they going?
Somehow, Adi followed them out the door, down the street and to the church.
They went into the church leaving her baby on the altar. He was crying and kicking.
Adi wanted to rush to him and comfort him. He was so sweet with his blond hair and chubby face. The ladies came back out in long black robes that covered their faces.
“Let it begin” said Mary gravely.
The cupboard behind the altar was opened and long black and red candles were taken out and placed on the far ends of the altar. A piece of the wood insignia on the pulpit
Flipped down and there was an odd looking star shape within a circle. Chanting began and she saw them take out a small vial of what looked to be oil. They poured out the black liquid on the baby’s head. Adi thought for a moment they were going to bless her baby until she saw them remove a long curved blade from a black velvet lined case. When she looked at the ladies saw to her horror that their faces had changed. They all looked ancient. Like mummies she had seen in the newspapers.
All of them were bald and had dark ringed sunken eyes. How had she not noticed it before?
“We are weak and hungry. Bless our eternal life Goddess. Let this male sacrifice nourish us” spoke Mary.
She saw the blade of the knife come to the throat of her new baby and slice through it, taking his head completely off . Mary picked up the body of the child and drained the spurting blood into the altar chalice. The women lined up and greedily drained their share of his blood. Then Mary took the child and divided his body up into pieces and the women ate her child! They smacked their lips as though eating chicken at a picnic.
“Delicious! It always amazes me how something so loathsome could taste so good” chirped Erma.
Adi watched in amazement as their faces slowly returned to normal. They all took off their robes, stored them in the choir cupboard and put their wigs back on.
She was struck with such horror! What had happened? Then she heard Edward’s voice.
“Adi, come to us now. Into the light”
Adi saw a shaft of light appear outside of the church doors. In the light she saw her dear husband holding their newborn baby.
“It’s all over now Adi. Come with us into the light”
Adi floated over to them. She felt the warm embrace of Edward and felt the soft baby skin of her son. In an instant she was gone.

“What in the hell was that?” thought Kari as she woke up. She felt vomit rise in her throat, and barely made it to the bathroom. She threw up all of the soup she had just eaten. That was it. First thing tomorrow, she was calling the doctor.
That horror of a dream had to be whatever illness she was coming down with, and all of the new life events. What else could it be? She decided to call Nick. She told him about he most recent dream.
“God Kari, that’s gross. Are you okay?”
‘I guess so. I just don’t feel good”
“Go to the doctor tomorrow. Hopefully, it’s just a virus or maybe nerves from all of the changes in your life right now. When you’re feeling better, let’s call Marc and see if there’s anything he can do to make you feel more at ease”
“Okay Nick. I’m going to go now. Love you”
Adi turned on the TV in an attempt to lose herself. No matter how sick she felt, she was sure she didn’t want to go back to sleep.