Maybe I'm paranoid but.................. there have been several family occasions I've attended and I never appear in any of the family photos. It has led me to believe: 1) I am entirely too repulsive for photographs because I'm fat or 2) The people taking the photos really don't like me so they erase me from the occasion through their pictures.Either way, I am trying to find the ability to like what I look like, even though it's not perfect. I am fat. I make no apologies for being fat. I simply am. I have tried dieting but I lose about 10 pounds and then nothing. I am diabetic now so I have cut carbohydrates drastically and have lost about 12 pounds. But I am okay with being fat. Obviously, others are not. After my stroke, I went on medication that caused an autoimmune reaction and I lost a large percentage of my hair, so it's very thin. I get good professional haircuts and I color it with highlights. I think it looks cute but once again, not perfect. I have very little money. I am in classes for nursing so I am limited in the hours I can work. I will be looking for a second job in January so that I can buy a car. (Mine is 21 years old) Because of this, I have less than stellar clothing. I don't always look super fashionable. Mostly, all of this makes me VERY angry. Angry because I feel this way, angry because I feel sub-standard and unwanted. My initial reaction is to avoid everyone and stay in my room, but the HAES ( Health At Every Size) activist in my makes me want to put on a bikini and tell everyone to kiss my big fat ass! Also,it pisses me off that I even have to question this. Unfortunately, the occasional deletion is one thing but repeatedly occurrences just makes me feel slighted. Fuck it! I am changing my profile pic on Facebook to a real picture of me! I do realize that 50% of this is my issue. If family members don't like me well, I guess don't invite me to gatherings. For several years after my divorce, I had very little contact with my family and that was fine.If people aren't supportive or just don't like me then I'll stay away. But it makes me sad to be left out of family pictures.

e.

I am a person that needs to feed my brain. I need adventures and interesting things to do and read. Not unlike most folks, my day-to-day life is boring. I work at a job I don't really like much, I am in a holding pattern waiting to hear whether or not I have been accepted into the nursing program. I have cleaning to do, cooking to do, and a dog to walk. I have found something that helps relieve the drudgery. I plan little get-aways so that I have something to look forward to. I like to travel. It's a recent development for me. I was the recipient of a wonderful Christmas gift, a round trip ticket to Denver Colorado, to visit my kids. I was stuck at the airport for 12 hours in January and had to lose a day by overnighting in Baltimore so I was given a voucher to fly again. I took a second trip to Colorado in August to see my kids again. It was awesome! Just being able to see different things and experience different things was such a lift. Now that flying anywhere is not in the works, I have found that little day trips are an excellent substitute. Very recently, I took a trip to East Tawas Michigan. I got to see the Lake Huron shoreline, a lighthouse, and a creepy old cemetery. My next trip will be to Alpena Michigan for a shipwreck tour in a glass bottomed boat. I have also started to plan a trip to a ghost town called Pere Cheney near Grayling Michigan. If I am accepted into nursing clinicals (God willing, I pray), I will not have time to go anywhere except the library. I just feel the need to have a little bit of fun once in awhile. Lately, my dream life and writing is far more interesting than anything in real life. Travel is my attempt to keep from sliding into deep depression. It's cheaper than therapy and healthier for me than pills, so............

Lemme tell ya somthin'

Home Sweet Home

I never had a home in the true sense. I lived in a house in Ohio as a young child, but that ended with when my Mom left her abusive husband. We lived with my grandma for a while and then moved to an apartment above a store. The year before I got married I moved back with grandma until I got married at 21. We lived in an apartment in Pontiac, and another apartment in Mt. Clemens where I had a stroke and was disabled for 3 years. My ex-husband and I bought our first home in Harper Woods. My ex lived there for 2 years and then we divorced in 2001. Due to financial challenges after the divorce and black mold growing in the house that I was unable to repair, I lost that home to foreclosure in 2007. My kids and I moved to Grosse Pointe Park, which was the first place I had ever lived in that I found for myself. After losing my job in 2008, I went to college and looked for work which didn’t come until 2010. I had to move to Romeo in April of 2010 and then lost that job in September, and moved up north with Mom and Dad in October. It was bad enough never feeling like I didn’t belong as a child, but as an adult, it has nearly become a burden too heavy to bear. My panic is that I will never be able to financially be able to support myself. I have been instilled with a sense that everything falls apart eventually, so while I strive to have a better life, in my darkest moments, deep down I think I will probably never achieve it. When I look at other’s lives from Facebook , I wonder if they know how blessed and lucky they are to have a home, a job, a family. My kids are far away in another state. I am too poor to travel to see them. I consider it a great week when I get enough hours to make $100. My car is almost 20 years old and has 200,000 miles on it and it’s on its 3rd engine. I know things could be worse, but I also wonder why I’ve had such a crappy life. Did I do something to deserve this? Did I offend God in a previous life somehow? Without some sort of miracle, I will never have a home sweet home, a Christmas dinner surrounded by friends and family around the table, a sense of belonging. I really just want a place to call home. I just wonder how everyone else has done it.

Do Unto Others

This summer has been an interesting summer of learning. I am learning to trust my instincts regarding what is best for me and what is not in my best interest. Because of poor decisions made in my past about marriage, education and employment, I had become distrustful of my own judgement. After deep and slow contemplation, I have discovered that right now especially, I am in full command of the brightest mind I have, thus far, possessed. After a disappointing session of algebra wherein I didn't pass, (by a mere 2 points), I have evaluated and discerned what is the best course to take to learn algebra. For me it is repetition and reading about how to solve equations. I retain the majority of what I read quite easily. Math has always been tough because it is not memorization based. I am using memory to retain the process and then using my problem solving skills to do the math. I rely on my calculator because my mind is easily fatigued by math. As a consequence,I feel more confident in my abilities. In regards to employment, I have learned that it is better in this financial climate to give less information. I have lost jobs due to be "overqualified". I have found with my current job that letting anyone know I was ever in management and in college has marked me as a "smarty pants" with my 20 something, drug-addled, barely literate slacker co-workers. I have re-discovered that only people with severe self esteem isssues like to bully their underlings. From a psychological standpoint, a person that has little self-esteem and is stuck in a dead-end crappy poorly paying job and is angry about it will pass along that frustration to others aka displaced agression. I am dealing with this kind of a person right now. My difficulty is rising above it and just getting the paycheck. The leader in me wants to change the way things are done since they follow none of the rules of good customer service. Therefore, I am learning to switch off my feelings and carry on, which goes against the grain of everything I stand for regarding being a good retail worker. The biggest hurdle I've yet to jump is regarding dealing with people. I always thought that most people were nice and wanted to be kind and do their best. I am realizing this is a lost value. I want to do the best job I can regardless of the pay, who's watching, and whatever glory is achieved. Everyone seems so paranoid about anyone finding their "weakness" that they all walk around in a sumo wrestler stance. Gossip and backstabbing are an everyday occurance in nearly every single job I've had in the last 13 years. I feel like I am austistic in some way. I DO NOT GET PEOPLE ANYMORE!!

What a wonderful world

I am not working or currently in school right now, so my brain is working overtime on deep thoughts. I was out walking the dog and my brain went to the place where I think about my perfect life, whatever that is. I have, unfortunately, bought into the fallacy that until everything is perfect, (i.e.: a degree, great job, my own home, money and time to spare),I cannot enjoy life. I live in a resort area. We have lakes, beaches, woods and lots of wildlife to enjoy. I disallow myself these pleasures because I am unemployed. My "stinking thinking" tells me I have no right to be happy or enjoy myself because I am not self supporting. I like to write and make jewelry but inside of me is the feeling that I am wasting my time because these are not big money-making ventures. I fill out applications and have been on interviews but I am in a holding pattern right now.I want to take care of myself, but I have to finish college in order to make enough money to pay for rent, food and transportation. I am doing now, what I should have done at 20. Being in college actually makes me a pariah in the job market because they 1) know I am bettering myself and thus I am not deeply devoted to my "career" in minimum wage, and 2) I require time off from 10-1 on Mondays and Wednesdays, and in this world of greed, expecting a time slot for my personal education is too much to ask of my part-time minimum wage employer. I must be available to them at any time and any day. So while the Earth spins, seasons change and the God designed beauty of my world is all about me, I have denied myself it's pleasures. I know where this horrible thought process comes from, but what to do about it? There are a lot of people in this world that are angered by a happy person I have found. How dare you be happy when you have NO RIGHT TO BE? I'm afraid I have no profound thoughts or solutions to this struggle. But I am going to choose to enjoy my time now. Even IF I don't deserve to.

I have been spending a lot of time lately decorating and designing my "imaginary" home. I am currently not in the position to buy a used car or even a full tank of gas, so it is just for fun. This seems to bother my Mom a great deal. She looks at me incredulously as I share my excitement over a painting I've found or my favorite bedroom decor. She doesn't get it at all. My entire adult life after the divorce was one of survival. There weren't choices for me really. I had the stroke at 29 and that limited my abilities for several years. The divorce left me feeling helpless and defeated. I have always heard other's estimation of my worthiness and took it to heart. "You're too old to keep going to college" " You're too fat to be a nurse, or to be taken seriously in the profession" "You should really lose the weight and then maybe you could get married again" "You're lazy, fat, and no good to anyone" I know what I am good at. I sing really well, I am a fairly good writer, I can cook well, and I am a great caregiver. I would make a good wife FOR THE RIGHT PERSON. I am not really looking for a husband. I can't even seem to find a male that I'd like as a friend. But I am good at things that seemingly have no material value. IF I can get published, I think I'd be a great writer. WHEN I finish college, I'll be a great nurse. IF I was skinny and adorable, I could have been a great singer. My past is something I tend to look at with deeply felt pain over what could have been. I should have finished college. I wish I had been in a better financial situation. I wish I hadn't married the person I did. I am fucking over other people's thought of who and what I am. Yes, I am FAT. SO???? It hasn't limited me. I can still do things I want to do. My health isn't that bad. I have had high blood pressure since before I was fat. I have low to normal blood sugar and cholesterol.I am smart, although passing college algebra has been trying for me. My kids both tell me I did a great job in raising them to be moral, kind and loving people. My son even told me I was the best Mom and Dad he had. Since this is a materialistic society, I guess I have very little to show for my years of hard work in crappy jobs. I don't have a house, my car is ancient and barely runs and I am still working on my degree at 48. All I have left is the future. That is why I decorate a house I don't even own and plan for things I may never have. Besides my kids, the future is all I have left.

I have embarked on a plan to find out what I like. I have barely focused on this since my life after divorce had been one of scratching out an existence and basic survival. I like quiet time. I watch TV when I am bored, which is a terrible habit. I thought back to when I lived on my own and my TV was only on when there was a particular show I really wanted to watch. I watched TV almost exclusively on one of my 2 days off since I had Comcast and could utilize On Demand. Otherwise I watched shows online. I liked sitting in my livingroom with no lights on and candles or my fireplace burning. I also like time outside exploring. I love to take pictures and nothing excites me more than a really old cemetery. All of these things allows my mind to wander and "write" stories in my head. I like conversations with people. I especially like to talk to people that are a bit odd, without being psychotic, to get a different point of view. I like antiques. Anything from the 20's or 30's gives me a thrill. I like being alone; most of the time, I prefer it. Other people = someone else's agenda. I am still trying to figure out my own agenda, thank you.I like birds, squirrels, fish and flowers. I like living with nature instead of trying to make it conform to my humanity. I have also discovered what I don't like. I intensely dislike, on the verge of hate, people that play power games. It is always someone either narcissistic or insecure. They're unable to function unless they're fucking with someone else's life. Isn't running our own lives difficult enough? I hate politics. I understand that we have to fight for rights. I will march along and put my voice out there, but I don't trust either side of the aisle enough to say I'm a democrat or republican. People for the most part want to protect their own family or stuff even if it means screwing you and yours. That's just base human nature. I don't like configuring my life around other people's agenda. Oh you love living in your community? Great. Good for you. I don't happen to like it myself but you insist it's the ONLY decent place to live.Your yammering on about yours makes you seem like an elitist douchebag. Different strokes people. When people carry on about their town, church, lifestyle endlessly, I always wonder if they're trying to convince me or themselves how uber cool they really are. I stand unconvinced. If you want to impress me, show me what you're doing to make the world a better place. Who did you uplift or inspire? Did you create anything? Tell me about that. I am trying to organize my life into something I want to live rather than something to be endured. I need a delicate balance of work, play, creativity and rest. Mostly I need to get (find) a life to call my own.

A lot has happened since I last posted. I am no longer in school for gerontology and I have reentered college for nursing. I begin classes next week. I found a new job at a grocery store as a cashier and I really enjoy it. I work with nice people and my work is appreciated. I get breaks and everything. Another thing that happened is not so pleasant. A person intregal to the music at church was arrested for 1st degree criminal sexual conduct with a child 13-15 years old. This person is a teacher that engaged in oral sex with a male student. The initial response of the church council, of which I am a member, was to keep this person, who is employed by the church, out of the church until the court case was decided. But...... the pastor wanted to show real "Christianity" by having us be good forgiving Christians and asking him to return to our church. My response was shock, tears and an overwhelming sense of betrayal and fear. Let me tell you a story........ I was a 13 year old girl that had never had a boyfriend and was barely past the urge to wrestle and fight with boys. My mother had recently re-married and within a year, the man she married began sexually abusing me. He stopped short of actual sex but just barely. At first I pretended that I was asleep as he visited my bedroom and touched me. Once when he caught me awake, I told him to leave me alone. He told me that if I told anyone what happened he would tell my Mom that I seduced him and that she would believe him and not me. I would be responsible for causing a problem with her 3rd marriage and she would blame me. I then began to sleep with a knife near my bed. I did tell my mom. She was blindsided and wasn't really sure what to do. I started counseling and I was told by a counselor that we could be repaired as a "family". I attended church with my abuser where he was perceived as an upstanding citizen. We didn't last long with that counselor. I was having a lot of problems at school with a male teacher that was very controlling and I was acting out. I confided in a friend that I had been being sexually abused and he did the right thing and told the school. The school called my home and and my abuser told them that I was mentally unstable and being treated my a psychiatrist. I was being treated due to his perversion! My friend was told to stop speaking to me about this. I was called into the office and told to stop lying about things and making things up about my family. Remember, this was 1979, but still no one ever spoke to my Mom, my only legal parent. They spoke to her when they decided I should be evaluated. I was tested and then they found out that I had an IQ of 142 and normal, albeit the trauma inflicted by the pervert. One day I was doing dishes when my abuser decided to if he couldn't sexually abuse me that physical abuse would do. He tried choking me when he didn't like that way I "sassed" him. I grabbed a knife, told him that if he ever touched me again I'D FUCKING KILL HIM! By now I was 14 and I packed my things and moved in with my grandma. Within a week, he left my Mom and moved in with the woman he'd been having an affair with. I was let down by every single institution that I encountered. The persistant response was "shhhhhhh, keep this quiet" and solidly reinforced that I was dirty, bad and had been abused because I asked for it. It took weekly visits to a psychologist for 4 years before I felt I was able to deal with my trauma and I then returned to church as well. I find myself unable to return to church in the presence of this person. I refuse to participate in the denial of his "alleged" treachery. I can not and will not look the other way and click my heels together waiting for the Magic Genie "God" to allow my heart to be softened and to embrace and love this "person". You know what would make me feel better? JUSTICE! I never got any but I hope this young man that was victimized will. I hope this person is never ignored and downplayed so much that he is allowed to do this again. There is such a thing as right and wrong and good and evil. For fucks sake, act like you understand that! Weekly we yammer on about the "seen and unseen" and satan, yet when we find a person that participates in evil we treat them like the victim. I am disgusted. I will seek council elsewhere until then.

Would you like fries with that?

Maybe I'm getting old but whatever happened to the casual part time job? I recently applied and was hired to work in a casual dining restaurant. I am a full time college student right now and really working hard at making my studies my priority. I am used to working in retail and I am learning an entirely new industry. We are being set up in a brand new store with corporate trainers. The premise of proving ourselves "worthy" of this minimum wage job is that we are available to them for any hours. Currently, this has meant working 6, 4 hour shifts a week. Okay so do the math; 7.4 X 24= $150 after taxes. That's actually fine as an income for me right now, but the next part means driving nearly and hour to work at another store which requires carpooling at 5:15 am. I cannot drive my car that far since it's on it's last legs with it's 3rd engine and 190,000 miles. Pardon me, but this is a friggin' part time job which consists of making sandwiches, soup, ice cream, coffee and donuts. Most of the time I am on the register, which I have done for most of my life. In addition, there is a not-so-subtle hinting that if we want our jobs and if we want to get any raises, we have to give in to their every demand. This is what we have come to. I am not too proud to sweep, mop, clean toilets, and wash dishes, which I have done in several of my positions. It does speak to the way we treat people is business: LIKE SLAVES. Trying to work 3-4 days a week to give myself a little wiggle room while I finish college does not mean I am willing to forfeit my studies. This is why so many people just give up on trying to do better. The mentality of corporate America is get 'em, threaten them, and keep them worrying so they'll do whatever they are told to keep their job. I don't know anyone that refuses to do any type of work.But why do we make folks feel demeaned, obligated and insecure to supply our workforce. As a manager I tried to teach, be an example, uplift and encourage my employees. I must be a dinosaur, because I don't see that happening anywhere. We devalue people and then wonder why taking a life seems to be so inconsequential. If you treat people poorly and tell them they're nothing, after a while, they will believe you. Come on America! Can't we do better than that?

Debbie Downer

I have been giving a lot of thought to accusations of being negative. I can, like most people, fall into a fugue. I have been treated for depression especially after my stroke and subsequent brain injury.However, I get really pissed off when people assume that my take on things is in some way a "character flaw".
First of all, I have had several life altering circumstances that were mostly due to other's life choices like my Mom's disaterous marriages, my ex's philandering, and things I had just happen to me like my stroke, losing my home etc. ad nauseum. My outlook is rather colored by those situations. I have definite trust issues and I am the first to admit I am very gun-shy when it comes to people.I was kind of shy as a child and because of things that were said to me by my ex ie: that no one could stand me and I was useless, I feel insecure and unsure of myself. I have had brief periods of really liking myself and also found that "haters" couldn't line up fast enough to knock me back down. As if to say "oh, you feel good about yourself? Well, don't forget, you're still fat and you don't have a job". I know what's wrong with me thanks. I know I have a weight issue although I am convinced it's not problem for me, only others. I know I need a job and that is why I am trying my damnedest to finish my degree and why I fill out applications daily. I always want to scream " THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!! I KNOW I NEED A FRIGGING JOB!!!" I am happiest with a handful of friends, a few acquaintances, and lots of people that I have nothing to do with.Secondly, I was raised to be nice to people, even if you don't mean it or feel like it. I expect the same from others which always is disappointing and leads me to avoid people again for a while. I prefer very real people without pretense and let me tell you, those kind of people are very rare indeed. Everybody has to "front" these days. So, when you want to call me or anyone else negative, just don't. You're only making a situation worse. Try being kind instead and you may change someone's outlook on life, mine included.

Your just can't trust hapiness

People have commented that I seem happier than ever and how glad they are to see that.
That bugged me a lot and then I had to muddle it about in my mind until I understood why.
I lost my job. It was the job that was supposed to be the start of a new career for me.I gave up custody of my son so that he could stay in his school district for his senior year. I moved 50 miles away to live next door to my job. I worked for a less-than- ethical person with dollar signs in front of their eyes and was fired for "talking to the employees" aka telling the truth.After losing my job I had no alternative but to move 186 miles north to live with my parents.
It is not an empowering thing at 46 to run home and live with Mom and Dad. I have a bedroom, food and utilities. I have my dog and guinea pig with me. I am in college full time and i will have my Bachelor's of Science Gerontology degree in appx.5 semesters. I am living on loans so that I am not a burden on my parents. I pay for my insurance, car repair, gasoline, my extra groceries since I eat a lot of fresh fruits and vegetables. I bought a bike too. All of my next loan will buy a car since mine is 18 years old and has 200,000 miles on it and its third engine.
What I am doing is allowing myself to enjoy life more. I have denied myself extras while raising my kids because that's what you do when you're a responsible parent. I hope to help out my parents when they need it in the future after completing my education.
The main component in my ability to enjoy life has been the removal of fear. I don't have homelessness breathing down my neck, and I did have that kind of stress from 2009 to 2011 on a daily basis.
I have been unsuccessful in finding employment up here, even part-time minimum wage jobs. I am not too proud to stock shelves and sweep floors, but I am not getting any response to the countless applications I have filled out, nor the dozens of calls I have made.
I wish that I could find a full time job, finish college and work in my field, live independently and help my Mom and Dad. I work towards that goal and I am prayerful that God has a plan. So I am happy, but it feels like a false happiness. I guess that's why it bugs me. Also, getting rid of negative people has been the best gift I've given myself. I have never been one to be a people pleas(er) and Lord knows that's still what society expects of a woman. Too bad!

Anal Cranial Inversion

My selectivity as it pertains to people has led me to befriend an interesting cast of people I'd actually like to hang out with.

The "elderly" ladies at my church are very progressive when it comes to reproductive rights, equality in marriage and woman power which I am in awe of. They are in their 70's and 80's and I see them both at church and at Red Hat meetings. They are a feisty and inspiring bunch.

At choir there is an odd little farmer that has long dirty hair and dirty overalls and a full beard. He has an astonishing grasp on modern day politics and religion. He is decidedly a lefty and speaks about the people taking back their country and making it work for us instead of us being led around by the nose by government and big business and doing their bidding. He is an strange character to be sure, but he makes a lot more sense to me than the people I see everyday that only talk about TV shows and casino trips.

Somewhere this horrible notion that God blesses His chosen with wealth seems to have indoctrinated the Republican Party and infested the American thinking process. I remember hearing about people like the Roosevelt's that felt that wealth was a sign that they needed to show gratitude to God by helping their fellow man. I can respect a church that aspires to that sort of belief.

When did people become so stupid? Maybe the conformity of the 1950's? That old feeling that Patriotism equaled Godliness? I thought the 60's was about questioning authority, but I see a whole bunch of the members of that generation selling out and giving up.
Being a follower of Christ means that I follow His teachings and seek to be like Him. In no way does that equal being a racist, sexist or homophobe. I know what the Bible says because I HAVE READ IT ALONG WITH THE TEACHINGS OF ALL OF THE MAJOR RELIGIONS! I have said it before so once again " READ A DAMN BOOK AND THINK" PLEASE!!!
This is why people exasperate me to the point of nausea and why I come off as a "negative" person. I expect so much of my fellow man alas; they seem to have their heads up their asses.

Just call me Thoreau

People disappoint and make me believe that they are really not out for their own benefit, but in the end, I find that they are. I like being a hermit because I can take or leave people at a whim. I have a few actual friends and they do not seek me out for their own adornment, enhancement or selfishness, but rather because they value me as a person. I can be myself around them and I never feel as though I have to defend myself or my views. I like to take others as they are also, but I lose all interest when someone tries to push their agenda or make broad sweeping statements and generalizations which rely on their narrow point of view. Often I have found those people to also be devoid of kindness and a desire to see others be successful or happy. Different strokes as they say; everyone will find their own happiness but it should at least NOT be at another’s expense.
I value the past for its simplicity. I would love to make a simple living and be allowed to have a small place to live and grow my own vegetables and flowers and attend worship. Clothing, expensive cars, jewelry and the like hold no sway with me. If I had 3-4 nice dresses, 2 sturdy pairs of shoes, some jeans, boots and t-shirts, I am well heeled enough in my estimation.
My goals are to live on my own, grow some food, eat sparingly and cheaply, have time to read and study, and sing. While I would love interpersonal relationships, I do not seem to have them with anyone currently available. I have learned discernment in my 47 years. I find that I value humans more when I have limited contact and that I prefer contact in which I am in their service. Everyone wants to be of value and just maybe, since we seem to devalue most people that don't meet up to our own perceptions, we miss seeing the incredible person that God made them to be, warts and all.

Rainyday Rambling

I am in the middle of my first 8 week accelerated program for my bachelors of gerontology. I enjoy writing, but writing APA style factoid research is tedious and makes my eyes roll in my head. Reading the research makes me think," Can't you even try to make this crap readable"? It's makes even the most interesting subject bland and dull. Perhaps I'm undereducated, but I do know good reading when I read it and brother, this is shite. I'm not sure when this happened or why but YUCK! I hate it!!

I have been pretty much laid up for the last week and in pain for several weeks before that. I have been diagnosed with fairly severe arthritic inflammation of the knee by my orthopedist. This started originally when I lived in my 1920's dream home in Grosse Pointe Park. I had 3 flights of stairs to climb and descend to do laundry and it became nearly impossible to do after 3 years. Yes, I'm fat and need to lose weight, but exercise is nearly out-of-the-question when I can barely walk. I got a big ass shot of cortisone in my knee with a rather large diameter needle and some very viscous fluid and I am feeling a little less inflamed. I walk very strangely because the arthritis has somewhat deformed my knee causing me to walk with my leg projected out at an angle. I am trying to lose the lard and exercise, and my fondest dream at this point is to be able to ride a bike this summer around the lakes in my town. Time and the orthopedist will tell.

While pining for the intellectual stimulation of the city, I find myself much more at ease in the woods. The fact that I have a decent vocabulary, I am working on my college degree, I have several years of retail management and an associates degree
( LOL), have made me a pariah in the retail sector of this community. I am perceived as a threat and can't even get a part time job selling candles and lotions. UGH! I am anxiously awaiting a call from a nursing home in a community 30 miles away about a unit clerk job. They don't have the position defined or posted yet, but I am apparently at the top of their list. Now, if my former employer can live up to their promise of a good reference, I may have a shot, but I trust that person as far as I can throw them so.........

I have been singing a lot lately which is good. I am in a community choir and I do a lot of singing at church. It's a good thing for me to have a diversion other than my studies.

Still hoping to make more human connections that aren't facebook based, but I don't get out much. Also, after some of my facebook experiences, I think I'm better off never seeing actual people anyway LOL!

Happy Days Again?

I have spent the last 3 days looking at abandoned buildings online.
I am especially fascinated by the architecture of Detroit during it's 1920's building boom.In general I am enchanted by everything from the 1920's and 30's; the movies, the clothing, the homes, interior design, the Purple Gang and I collect objects from the era.
It is sickening to me that most of the beautiful buildings of that era are left to fall apart in Detroit. I look at urban exploration videos and photographs with a longing to restore the apartments, hotels and businesses to their former glory.I know Detroit has MAJOR issues with the economy, drugs and overall corruption by it's officials. After living in Grosse Pointe Park for several years, I am surprised that all of the Pointes haven't defected from Wayne County to Macomb long ago.
The 1920's were a time of change for our country. We were leaving an agricultural era and moving into an industrial era and it was the big boom before the Great Depression.
The correlation to today's situation are more than a little uncomfortable. I am one of the 99%. I am under-educated but trying to correct that by getting my Bachelor's Degree in Gerontology. My prospects are so-so for employment even with a degree.
If I weren't living with my parents, I'd be homeless right now. I feel like one of the buildings in Detroit. Abandoned, a shell of my former self, and just waiting for the miracle that will restore me.
I'm doing my part in going to college. I am letting God do His part by letting Him guide me. I am giving myself over to whatever tasks are neeeded in my church and barring finding suitable employment, I will be volunteering in some fashion with the seniors that I love.I want to succeed like the CCC camps did in turning the country around and create a job for myself. I need to write so it must be something else God has a plan for. My typing is horrible so I am thinking on investing in voice command software for my computer. Then I can finish the 4-5 book I've already written in my head.

EVERYBODY SING!!!!

Happy days are here again
The skies above are clear again
Let us sing a song of cheer again
Happy days are here again
Altogether shout it now!
There's no one who can doubt it now
So let's tell the world about it now
Happy days are here again
Your cares and troubles are gone;
There'll be no more from now on
Happy days are here again
The skies above are clear again
So let us sing a song of happycheer again
Happy happy happy days are here again

All Apologies

It's interesting the way that people treat you when you're poor.
God forbid you wear nice clothes ( obviously you spent your money unwisely)
Heaven help you if you color your hair, polish your nails, wear makeup or attempt in any way to make yourself look as though you're not a pitiful spectre. After all, aren't you supposed to be pious and be thankful that you're even allowed to breathe the same air as everyone else?
But, I had these clothes, which I bought while working in an office and some of them were kindly given to me by a cousin that lost weight. I color my hair since it's hard enough trying to find a job without having gray hair that leads employers to think you're OLD. I buy $1-2 nail polish and do my own nails so that I'll look professional and polished. I buy all of my clothes and toiletries at discount stores. I can state for a fact that I haven't paid more than $20 for a shirt or blouse in the last 5 years.
I apologize that I haven't taken on the air of beggar, nor have I ripped my clothes and covered myself with ashes. If it makes you feel better, I have gone without heat, food and proper attire within the last 3 years. My car is 17 years old and barely runs.
I'm sorry that I'm trying to survive rather than just slinking off to die somewhere.

The Only Thing To Fear...........

My constant companion for at least 15 years has been fear.
My ex husband was always unemployed in the winter. I would try to juggle making sure my kids had warm clothes, we had staples saved in the pantry and I went to Focus Hope in the winter for food as well as The Goodfellow's for Christmas presents. I feared the cold weather every year and tried my best to prepare.
I felt horrible fear in trying to keep a home for my children. My lack of skills and degree has kept me in precarious jobs and poverty.
My house became a trap when the mortgage amount was more than I could handle and it fell into disrepair. The roof was bad and leaked, causing black mold to grow. I had spent nights in fear of the sound of rain and to this day, rainfall sends me into panic mode. One night, exhausted after a long day at work, my ceiling fan began to leak right onto my bed. I had no choice but to move over to the corner of my bed and place a large storage container next to me to catch the water as I cried myself to sleep.
I moved into an apartment that leaked both in the living room and the bedroom closet. The landlord fixed the living room but not the closet. I kept all of my clothes in storage totes to protect them. The basement also leaked so everything had to be put up off of the floor.
Snowfall was another fear. My tires were often quite bald and being in a district that had no busing, it was the parents responsibility to drive their kids to school, regardless of the weather. I also drove anywhere from 50 to 100 miles round trip to work daily, so having a 1994 car with over 100000 miles on it was always a source of fear.
Having never made more than $24,000 a year the entire time I worked after my divorce, money was always in short supply and keeping the utilities on and food in the house wasn't an easy task. My children and I often had to rely on food stamps to survive and St. Vincent DePaul to keep our heat on. Making certain there is enough to pay the rent or mortgage has been yet another source of fear.
Now, I find myself, again unemployed. I am trying to find anything to do. I apply for jobs daily. If it weren't for my parents, I would be homeless right now and probably at a mission somewhere.
Fear has made me determined to get a degree, but as there is no guarantee of finding a job, I contend with a near obsession on living as cheaply as humanly possible. I fantasize about having a small cabin and living nearly as a survivalist in order to keep myself from being displaced. I entertain thoughts of growing my own food, canning,eating only the bare essentials to survive. I have lived several years without having lights on except when necessary, making due with eggs and potatoes for daily meals to save money,and keeping the heat on 66 and wearing sweaters and slippers or even a coat in the house.
Being poor has made a game of seeing how much fear I can tolerate. I guess I can tolerate quite a bit. It has become part of me now.

Nightmare

When I was married in 1986, I had visions of a long marriage, children, working to have a nice home, maybe a cottage up north, children's weddings, grandchildren and large family dinners around a family table for Christmas.
I see many of my high school friends enjoying this same dream. They've had divorce, death, tragedy and sadness in their lives too, no doubt.
I've lived the last 15 years like a zombie; I sailed through the last 4 years with my ex trying to hang on to a corpse of a marriage because I didn't know what else to do. When it was mutually decided that the ex should leave, I put my energies into working and going to school. My dream then shifted to getting an education and then fixing my home, getting the kids through school and then college. I lost a job, found a new one and continued in college. Then my house became toxic with black mold. I didn't make enough money to fix the roof, and several homes in my neighborhood had black mold, so the spores found their way into my home. Because of the economy, my commissions- based income went south. The house was the next dream to die. It wasn't the nicest place but it was mine. The house was foreclosed on.
The program I finished in college lead to low paying part time jobs. Another dream died.
I moved to a new flat that was nicer and larger than my house. Then after a year, the job was gone. This dream too was short lived due to poverty. I went to college for nursing but my GPA was only 3.6 and not 4.0 so I didn't make the cut for clinical's. Dead dream.
My daughter moved to Colorado to try and escape Michigan's horror.
I was offered a position working in senior assisted living and then moved nearly 50 miles away to avoid the drive and to be available 24 hours a day to the job. I had to leave my son behind to finish high school, which was heart wrenching.
I have lost the job and another dream dies.
I am moving 160 miles north to live with my parents, work part time and get my bachelors degree in Gerontology. I am a dreamer. I pray that this dream will not turn into yet another nightmare.
The idea of a Holiday dinner spent with family seems like an unattainable fantasy. Thoughts of being an old woman living alone in poverty seem like the future to me now. Any nightmare I've had pales in comparison and my waking hours are far more terrifying than any dream. Will everything I dream end in death?

It's official; I've lost my job.
It actually comes as a relief. With time comes perspective. There were signs from the beginning that this was not the place for me. Without details, suffice to say that the management style of intimidation is not one I have ever found to work efficiently.I am the type of employee that will give 100% for someone that appreciates me and gives me positive encouragement.
Ever the optimist, I am moving to live with my parents so that I can finish getting my degree in Gerontology.I can work part time while in college and then I hope start working in the career that fulfills me. My parents are very supportive and I thank God for them.
My blog will now take a new turn. I will be writing a lot more about my observations of nature, God and family. I will most likely never return to the city life.