Maybe I'm paranoid but.................. there have been several family occasions I've attended and I never appear in any of the family photos. It has led me to believe: 1) I am entirely too repulsive for photographs because I'm fat or 2) The people taking the photos really don't like me so they erase me from the occasion through their pictures.Either way, I am trying to find the ability to like what I look like, even though it's not perfect. I am fat. I make no apologies for being fat. I simply am. I have tried dieting but I lose about 10 pounds and then nothing. I am diabetic now so I have cut carbohydrates drastically and have lost about 12 pounds. But I am okay with being fat. Obviously, others are not. After my stroke, I went on medication that caused an autoimmune reaction and I lost a large percentage of my hair, so it's very thin. I get good professional haircuts and I color it with highlights. I think it looks cute but once again, not perfect. I have very little money. I am in classes for nursing so I am limited in the hours I can work. I will be looking for a second job in January so that I can buy a car. (Mine is 21 years old) Because of this, I have less than stellar clothing. I don't always look super fashionable. Mostly, all of this makes me VERY angry. Angry because I feel this way, angry because I feel sub-standard and unwanted. My initial reaction is to avoid everyone and stay in my room, but the HAES ( Health At Every Size) activist in my makes me want to put on a bikini and tell everyone to kiss my big fat ass! Also,it pisses me off that I even have to question this. Unfortunately, the occasional deletion is one thing but repeatedly occurrences just makes me feel slighted. Fuck it! I am changing my profile pic on Facebook to a real picture of me! I do realize that 50% of this is my issue. If family members don't like me well, I guess don't invite me to gatherings. For several years after my divorce, I had very little contact with my family and that was fine.If people aren't supportive or just don't like me then I'll stay away. But it makes me sad to be left out of family pictures.

e.

I am a person that needs to feed my brain. I need adventures and interesting things to do and read. Not unlike most folks, my day-to-day life is boring. I work at a job I don't really like much, I am in a holding pattern waiting to hear whether or not I have been accepted into the nursing program. I have cleaning to do, cooking to do, and a dog to walk. I have found something that helps relieve the drudgery. I plan little get-aways so that I have something to look forward to. I like to travel. It's a recent development for me. I was the recipient of a wonderful Christmas gift, a round trip ticket to Denver Colorado, to visit my kids. I was stuck at the airport for 12 hours in January and had to lose a day by overnighting in Baltimore so I was given a voucher to fly again. I took a second trip to Colorado in August to see my kids again. It was awesome! Just being able to see different things and experience different things was such a lift. Now that flying anywhere is not in the works, I have found that little day trips are an excellent substitute. Very recently, I took a trip to East Tawas Michigan. I got to see the Lake Huron shoreline, a lighthouse, and a creepy old cemetery. My next trip will be to Alpena Michigan for a shipwreck tour in a glass bottomed boat. I have also started to plan a trip to a ghost town called Pere Cheney near Grayling Michigan. If I am accepted into nursing clinicals (God willing, I pray), I will not have time to go anywhere except the library. I just feel the need to have a little bit of fun once in awhile. Lately, my dream life and writing is far more interesting than anything in real life. Travel is my attempt to keep from sliding into deep depression. It's cheaper than therapy and healthier for me than pills, so............

Lemme tell ya somthin'

Home Sweet Home

I never had a home in the true sense. I lived in a house in Ohio as a young child, but that ended with when my Mom left her abusive husband. We lived with my grandma for a while and then moved to an apartment above a store. The year before I got married I moved back with grandma until I got married at 21. We lived in an apartment in Pontiac, and another apartment in Mt. Clemens where I had a stroke and was disabled for 3 years. My ex-husband and I bought our first home in Harper Woods. My ex lived there for 2 years and then we divorced in 2001. Due to financial challenges after the divorce and black mold growing in the house that I was unable to repair, I lost that home to foreclosure in 2007. My kids and I moved to Grosse Pointe Park, which was the first place I had ever lived in that I found for myself. After losing my job in 2008, I went to college and looked for work which didn’t come until 2010. I had to move to Romeo in April of 2010 and then lost that job in September, and moved up north with Mom and Dad in October. It was bad enough never feeling like I didn’t belong as a child, but as an adult, it has nearly become a burden too heavy to bear. My panic is that I will never be able to financially be able to support myself. I have been instilled with a sense that everything falls apart eventually, so while I strive to have a better life, in my darkest moments, deep down I think I will probably never achieve it. When I look at other’s lives from Facebook , I wonder if they know how blessed and lucky they are to have a home, a job, a family. My kids are far away in another state. I am too poor to travel to see them. I consider it a great week when I get enough hours to make $100. My car is almost 20 years old and has 200,000 miles on it and it’s on its 3rd engine. I know things could be worse, but I also wonder why I’ve had such a crappy life. Did I do something to deserve this? Did I offend God in a previous life somehow? Without some sort of miracle, I will never have a home sweet home, a Christmas dinner surrounded by friends and family around the table, a sense of belonging. I really just want a place to call home. I just wonder how everyone else has done it.

Do Unto Others

This summer has been an interesting summer of learning. I am learning to trust my instincts regarding what is best for me and what is not in my best interest. Because of poor decisions made in my past about marriage, education and employment, I had become distrustful of my own judgement. After deep and slow contemplation, I have discovered that right now especially, I am in full command of the brightest mind I have, thus far, possessed. After a disappointing session of algebra wherein I didn't pass, (by a mere 2 points), I have evaluated and discerned what is the best course to take to learn algebra. For me it is repetition and reading about how to solve equations. I retain the majority of what I read quite easily. Math has always been tough because it is not memorization based. I am using memory to retain the process and then using my problem solving skills to do the math. I rely on my calculator because my mind is easily fatigued by math. As a consequence,I feel more confident in my abilities. In regards to employment, I have learned that it is better in this financial climate to give less information. I have lost jobs due to be "overqualified". I have found with my current job that letting anyone know I was ever in management and in college has marked me as a "smarty pants" with my 20 something, drug-addled, barely literate slacker co-workers. I have re-discovered that only people with severe self esteem isssues like to bully their underlings. From a psychological standpoint, a person that has little self-esteem and is stuck in a dead-end crappy poorly paying job and is angry about it will pass along that frustration to others aka displaced agression. I am dealing with this kind of a person right now. My difficulty is rising above it and just getting the paycheck. The leader in me wants to change the way things are done since they follow none of the rules of good customer service. Therefore, I am learning to switch off my feelings and carry on, which goes against the grain of everything I stand for regarding being a good retail worker. The biggest hurdle I've yet to jump is regarding dealing with people. I always thought that most people were nice and wanted to be kind and do their best. I am realizing this is a lost value. I want to do the best job I can regardless of the pay, who's watching, and whatever glory is achieved. Everyone seems so paranoid about anyone finding their "weakness" that they all walk around in a sumo wrestler stance. Gossip and backstabbing are an everyday occurance in nearly every single job I've had in the last 13 years. I feel like I am austistic in some way. I DO NOT GET PEOPLE ANYMORE!!

What a wonderful world

I am not working or currently in school right now, so my brain is working overtime on deep thoughts. I was out walking the dog and my brain went to the place where I think about my perfect life, whatever that is. I have, unfortunately, bought into the fallacy that until everything is perfect, (i.e.: a degree, great job, my own home, money and time to spare),I cannot enjoy life. I live in a resort area. We have lakes, beaches, woods and lots of wildlife to enjoy. I disallow myself these pleasures because I am unemployed. My "stinking thinking" tells me I have no right to be happy or enjoy myself because I am not self supporting. I like to write and make jewelry but inside of me is the feeling that I am wasting my time because these are not big money-making ventures. I fill out applications and have been on interviews but I am in a holding pattern right now.I want to take care of myself, but I have to finish college in order to make enough money to pay for rent, food and transportation. I am doing now, what I should have done at 20. Being in college actually makes me a pariah in the job market because they 1) know I am bettering myself and thus I am not deeply devoted to my "career" in minimum wage, and 2) I require time off from 10-1 on Mondays and Wednesdays, and in this world of greed, expecting a time slot for my personal education is too much to ask of my part-time minimum wage employer. I must be available to them at any time and any day. So while the Earth spins, seasons change and the God designed beauty of my world is all about me, I have denied myself it's pleasures. I know where this horrible thought process comes from, but what to do about it? There are a lot of people in this world that are angered by a happy person I have found. How dare you be happy when you have NO RIGHT TO BE? I'm afraid I have no profound thoughts or solutions to this struggle. But I am going to choose to enjoy my time now. Even IF I don't deserve to.

I have been spending a lot of time lately decorating and designing my "imaginary" home. I am currently not in the position to buy a used car or even a full tank of gas, so it is just for fun. This seems to bother my Mom a great deal. She looks at me incredulously as I share my excitement over a painting I've found or my favorite bedroom decor. She doesn't get it at all. My entire adult life after the divorce was one of survival. There weren't choices for me really. I had the stroke at 29 and that limited my abilities for several years. The divorce left me feeling helpless and defeated. I have always heard other's estimation of my worthiness and took it to heart. "You're too old to keep going to college" " You're too fat to be a nurse, or to be taken seriously in the profession" "You should really lose the weight and then maybe you could get married again" "You're lazy, fat, and no good to anyone" I know what I am good at. I sing really well, I am a fairly good writer, I can cook well, and I am a great caregiver. I would make a good wife FOR THE RIGHT PERSON. I am not really looking for a husband. I can't even seem to find a male that I'd like as a friend. But I am good at things that seemingly have no material value. IF I can get published, I think I'd be a great writer. WHEN I finish college, I'll be a great nurse. IF I was skinny and adorable, I could have been a great singer. My past is something I tend to look at with deeply felt pain over what could have been. I should have finished college. I wish I had been in a better financial situation. I wish I hadn't married the person I did. I am fucking over other people's thought of who and what I am. Yes, I am FAT. SO???? It hasn't limited me. I can still do things I want to do. My health isn't that bad. I have had high blood pressure since before I was fat. I have low to normal blood sugar and cholesterol.I am smart, although passing college algebra has been trying for me. My kids both tell me I did a great job in raising them to be moral, kind and loving people. My son even told me I was the best Mom and Dad he had. Since this is a materialistic society, I guess I have very little to show for my years of hard work in crappy jobs. I don't have a house, my car is ancient and barely runs and I am still working on my degree at 48. All I have left is the future. That is why I decorate a house I don't even own and plan for things I may never have. Besides my kids, the future is all I have left.